Serious How to win a girl's heart

Oblivion_XIII

Oblivion_XIII

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Yeah yeah, I know this seems stupid but I'm posting over problems with a girl.

So basically we met and we're starting a band and what not. Well her and I started liking each other but the thing is that she doesn't want to date me even though we have feelings for each other. Now I would like to know is why wont she act on her feelings? Because I know I want to...
 
So have you actually asked her out and she's rejected you? :hmmm: I'll assume yes?
so then has she given you any reasons as to why she wont date you or did she flat out go "I LIKE YOU BUT I WONT DATE YOU" and it ended there?

I think this info would be good before I offer my fantastical advice. :hmmm: mhm mhm.
 
First off, this started happening before we wanted to do a band. And I have tried asking her out and she has said no. She did flat out tell me she had feelings for me though after I asked her out.
 
Okay, it all confuses me lol. I like her a lot so I'm going to try harder I guess. Thanks for the advice
 
I think it's a bit of a waste of time going after her :hmmm: She doesn't seem to want you, you asked her and she said no without any explanation.
I agree with Cali when she says that she probably said it to make the rejection hurt less.

You should focus on other girls, act a little distant to this one, I think you'll find if she likes you she'll start paying you more attention if you're not paying her any :wacky:
If not then who cares, least you'll have made other female pals :hmmm:
 
How long have you two liked one another for? :hmmm: Did her previous relationship end well?

It is possible she's only saying she likes you to let you down 'kindly' (which isn't actually kind at all as it gives you hope). However, in order to offer some extra advice, I'll assume she does like you.

She may not want to date you for several reasons.

  1. Her previous relationship didn't end well and she wants to avoid getting hurt.
  2. She wants to remain independent so that she can focus on her own needs. Sometimes, relationships can complicate affairs as you're always worrying about the other person... though I suppose that depends on who you are. ;)
  3. She is worried about hurting you.
  4. She lacks confidence in herself. Perhaps she feels self conscious about a certain personality trait, one which she would eventually reveal if you were a couple. Perhaps she doesn't like the physical contact couples share and feels nervous about it.
  5. She isn't entirely sure how she feels. She likes you, fancies you, but wants to feel more than that before she enters into a relationship. People abide by different principles when it comes to relationships; some only want to commit when they feel strongly about another person. Fancying/liking someone isn't always enough. There are perfectly good reasons for this: it can get messy if you find out later that you're not emotionally compatible; ending a relationship because you entered into it too soon (before you felt much) is more painful than not going out with someone you only fancy. :hmmm:
  6. It is also possible that you are one of two or three people whom she fancies... Perhaps she likes someone else a little more but they are unavailable, and she feels it would be unfair to date you. This sort of links back to 4... She doesn't want to let you down later on down the road. :hmmm:

How much do you know about her previous relationships? Has she told you any of her secrets, fears or general concerns? Liking someone is enough for some, but others do need that little bit more in order to feel they can enter a relationship. They need to connect with someone, to catch of glimpse of what lies deep in their heart, and they need to feel confident that what lies deep in their heart can and will be accepted. :hmm:
 
It's hard to analyze what someone is thinking, especially when it concerns a girl. I do agree with Lirael's points though--their could be a myriad of reasons why she held off on going out with you but told you that she had feelings for you. It's that old, "I do like you buuuut ..." form of rejection; it could be that she was trying to lessen the proverbial sting of letting you down. It's the "letting them down gently" method and sometimes I use it when I genuinely fancy someone but I'm not magnetically attracted to them enough to pursue a relationship with them. I mean, you guys are going to be in a band together so engaging in a relationship with her, as Cali said, would make it very complex. Imagine if the band gets into some spat two months down the road and you're with her and it gets in the way of your relationship with her ... mixing business with pleasure in a sense, isn't always the brightest thing to do. So ... perhaps it's good that she's not adamantly pursuing you yet.

If I were in your position and someone was giving me mixed signals like that, I would move off to some other guys. If you can't be persistent and just outright tell me that you're not interested and that you don't want to date me, then why waste my time and effort trying to pursue you. I don't wait for someone to reciprocate, I'll move on and talk to other guys. Similarly, I'd suggest that you do what Toni said: talk to other girls. There are always plenty of people in the sea but I think some people make the mistake of settling too early --- investing too much of their feelings in someone without knowing that it's mutual -- especially when they're young and such. Don't invest too much of yourself in it, like you can continue to be friends with her, since she already rejected you but I wouldn't get my hopes up too much if I were you. For all you know, she could be talking to other guys and scoping them out too so don't expect her to miraculously come around and develop feelings for you. It's harsh, but it's ultimately true, I see these things happen all the time. Best of luck, dude.
 
Girls don't always pursue or favor the person they have feelings for.

In my case, there have been girls who had feelings for me or who were emotionally attached to me who didn't like it.

They didn't like the way they would constantly think of me. And, how if I did the smallest thing to make them upset they would be hurt or affected very easily.

They don't want the emotional attachment, sometimes, and prefer to have relations where feelings aren't involved as it tends to make them indecisive, second guess themselves and otherwise be afraid. Not a good feeling and not how anyone wants to feel about themselves. People generally want to feel confident and secure, they don't want to have doubts and emotions clouding their judgment and affecting their moods. Which may be one reason why she's hesitant.

If that is the case, then you might notice that its affecting her daily life. Her schoolwork, her social life, everything might be affected by it. Its not necessarily a thing where its only about you and her. It can affect a lot of things which might seem unrelated.

Best thing may be to leave her alone. Let her work it out in her own time and pace. Don't pressure her to do anything or give you an answer.

:grin:
 
The Meddler said:
I don't think that's the case.

For one, if a girl says or acts as if she doesn't like supposedly having... those "feelings" for a guy, chances are they're genuinely NOT INTERESTED in them-- no matter how egotistically self absorbed the guy is. The guy might be so into themselves that they think "I'M TOTALLY AWESOME OF COURSE SHE WANTS ME!" ... but that doesn'tmean that she actually "likes" him.

"Oh, she says she doesn't like me, but I'm too awesome for her to not like! I just know she's thinking about me!"

This type of thinking of "she wants me even though she told me no" is quite dangerous and usually forms an obsessive and or controlling tendency in the mind of the guy who wants to be pursued by said girl who supposedly "can't stop thinking of them".

Again, saying this sort of thing is a bit out there to claim. Unless the guy can read their minds somehow--then they are just ASSUMING the girl is thinking about them constantly, it's just that... an ASSUMPTION! If anything, it shows that the guy is constantly thinking about the girl, while she has made it clear she's not interested.

Stop perpetuating the sexist assumption that women don’t know their own mind. No means no and if she says she doesn't have feelings for you then that genuinely means she doesn't have feelings for you, and any other interpretation is rape culture at work.
Click to expand...


Just to clarify, I wasn't talking about anyone you know, Cali. :grin: I know full well what you and yours think and feel about me.

Part of the reason I know she liked me and was emotionally attached to me is because her sister told me (more than once) & it was obvious in other ways I won't mention.

As for the rest, I don't know if you know what its like. There are a lot of people who fantasize about being in love who decide they absolutely hate it when they get emotionally attached to someone. Many decide they want stability and comfort and relationships that don't deal so much with emotions rather than the type of rollercoaster ride those who pursue relationships based on emotion might deal with.

Bottom line, the more you love and care about someone, the more they can hurt you. There aren't necessarily a lot of people in the world who are trustworthy or moral enough not to take advantage of you if you really care about them. And, many of us will opt for relationships with people we have no feelings for simply because we're afraid of being hurt or don't want to deal with the complications inherent in being with people we have feelings for.

That may somewhat be the sad truth and reality of it.

Its like those people who say you shouldn't care about anything or give a shit about anything in the world. Its something people do to avoid being hurt. If you don't care about anything and nothing is important to you, no one can take away what you have & you can't feel pain or be hurt, right? So some believe...

You might be surprised how many people subscribe to that rationale and that line of thought. Not only in reference to the world, but also in regard to how they approach life, relationships, friends & other things.
 
Personally I'd just say give it time. Don't go expecting results when she doesn't really seem to have her head around what she feels herself. If she does, she's playing hard to get. If she doesn't, then forcing the issue just never works. Forcing emotion evolution in such a way is likely to end in disappointment and long term issues for you both, however tempting it might be to just get the awkward pre relationship phase over with.

I've always found it best to simply...not force your way into something that one or both sides aren't ready for. It's surprisingly simple, and incredibly practical, but the amount of people who let their hearts rule over their heads is staggering.

I think in a situation like this, the best thing to do is take a step back and think with a clear head. Anyone close to her would be giving her the same advice if they wanted the best for her. It really is as simple as just giving it time and thought.
 
Bowie said:
I think it's a bit of a waste of time going after her :hmmm: She doesn't seem to want you, you asked her and she said no without any explanation.
I agree with Cali when she says that she probably said it to make the rejection hurt less.

You should focus on other girls, act a little distant to this one, I think you'll find if she likes you she'll start paying you more attention if you're not paying her any :wacky:
If not then who cares, least you'll have made other female pals :hmmm:
Click to expand...


I think what Toni just said is the perfect advice.

I had a similar situation many many years ago. I liked this girl alot and she liked me back but she rejected all my offers. I knew the reason however and that was the age difference. I was 16 and she was 19. I think she woulda felt embarassed having a boyfriend way younger and who couldnt even legally sit in a pub. I did what toni said and stopped showing affection and she did get alot more interested upon noticing i wasnt bothering anymore. I left my job shortly after and that was the last i saw of her. In hindsight i think she was a bit of a hussy and took herself a bit too seriously i think.

I think you should just kick back for now and leave her be. See what happens. Plenty more fish in the sea is as cliche as it comes when reasuring someone. But its true.
 
The Meddler said:
:facepaw:

I've said my piece.
Click to expand...

It really doesn't matter if women have feelings for someone or not. They usually behave exactly the same. The only reason I brought it up is because men have a tendency to demand an answer and force the issue, sometimes. And, it helps if they can empathize with women and understand that the lack of a direct answer shouldn't necessarily be taken as an insult.

What's really sexist about this is how some think its all about sex. A person having feelings for someone has absolutely nothing to do with wanting them sexually. And, it has even less to do with rape culture. If you want someone to empathize, there's nothing wrong with pointing out how girls can be vulnerable and indecisive under certain circumstances... And, if men can understand just one of the potential reasons for it, then maybe it does become easier for them to tolerate it.

Bottom line, you get nothing by risking nothing. And, you gain more by making an effort to communicate than you do by silence.
 
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