Serious Relationships and different religions

Toshiya

Toshiya

I'm on another planet with you
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Joined
Dec 30, 2009
Messages
1,430
Age
31
Location
Cumbria, UK
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Right, I normally don't write stuff like this on forums at all. But I've been at uni 4 weeks so haven't met anyone close enough to have a massive whine to yet and all my friends from back home are busy with their new lives too. So I'm a bit lonely really

Basically for a couple of months I've been seeing this guy (a mutual friend introduced us as he realised we were going to the same uni and doing the same course) and now we're at uni together, on the same course (so I can't avoid him ever). It's developed into this strange situation. He's my best friend and we have feelings for each other but we're not officially together because we can't be. A couple of weeks after we initially got together, he dropped the bombshell that he's not actually allowed to date me because although he's English, his parents are strict Pakistani Muslims, so he has to date/marry a Muslim girl. We broke it off but we still see each other every day and basically do everything together - like I said, he's ended up my best friend. But it's just making my situation even harder really, and the same for him, spending so much time for him is only making me feel more sad (and angry) about the whole situation. Part of it is sadness that we can't be together and part of it's anger at his parents for not letting him have his own life. His family has been over in the UK for about 40 years so I'd have thought they'd have maybe relaxed just a little, but clearly not. I have nothing against religion it's just hard to swallow that that's what stands in the way of us actually staying together.

I don't even know what I want here, it's definitely not advice and I don't want sympathy either because the whole situation with feeling lonely at uni is my own fault. Just somewhere where I can write everything I think, and the whole thing sounds proper stupid now I've typed it up. It's just the whole thing has had a massive knock-on effect in that I haven't socialised as much as I could have with the people in my flat/block/course, and now I'm a bit detached from everyone... /sigh
The title is a bit misleading as well, I don't really want an argument over whether inter-religion marriage is right, if you wanna do that do it somewhere else. I don't know what else to call it.
I know I'll get over it blah blah blah but it's just hard since I see him all the bloody time!
This is the kind of stuff I've heard of and seen in films but I never thought would ever happen to me.

Oh well. Tl;dr :sad3:
 
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Sorry to hear that.. It is really fucked up that religion gets in the way of 2 people's love.. Isnt he an adult I mean.. Couldnt he just say fuck it.. He has freedom or he should. Bullshit stands in the way of happiness. Time will heal everything so ye that is all I can say.
 
Technically yeah he could just say 'fuck it'. :dave:
But it's basically a choice between me and his entire family who'd never forgive him if he ran off with an English Atheist... which isn't really much of a choice at all when you look at :hmmm:
 
Ye I get it.. It is really fucked up..Oh well, life is unfair. The only thing to do is to look forward to a hopefully better future.
 
Cultural differences tend to get in the way of a lot of things, unfortunately in your situation, it's love/romance/companionship.

One thing you don't want to do is allow him to choose you over his family. If things don't work out in the long run (or even if it were to), that'd be something he would always hold over your head. Hopefully things get better for you!
 
Sick of this forum eating my posts!!!

Realistically, do you think they would cut him off if you decided to pursue it, or do you think they'd get over it, what with him being their son an' all...? They might be dissaproving and leave you too it, in hope that its a phase, and if it develops into something lasting, they might just get used to you. I think the bottom line is, whether it's worth that risk?

the thing i dont get about these situations, is how do they not expect their children to become westernised, when really, its all they know?
 
I get what you're saying Kel, but yeah they're really strict apparently. One of my best friends from secondary school was a Muslim girl whose parents were Pakistani, she'd been in England all her life, but she was never allowed out with us because there were boys there, her family was that strict.
I think if there was a chance they'd get used to me and let it happen he wouldn't be so adamant now about breaking it off. I don't really want to push it because I'd never ditch my entire family for someone and don't see why he should for me, and I don't want to offend him by saying 'go against your family' etc :hmmm:

I know that's my point exactly... he's been in England all his life so it's bloody stupid IMO :hmph:

Like I said I'm not here for advice on what to do, there's only one thing I really can do and that's suck it up and it'll go away eventually, I just wanted a rant about how shit it is :sad3:
 
Complete bollockery D:

Make a point of bonding with your flatmates, and work your way outward to other groups. Youre students, mention beer and you're half way there lol
 
I know its shite :rage: arghhhhh

Hahaha yeah :lew: it's not like I'm a complete loner. I have more friends here, just nobody close enough to rant at about this. Hence the soppy forum post D:
 
Well either way his parents' expectations are that he marries a girl of the same lifestyle and beliefs as him... he explained it all to me. I don't know much about religion, I'm just going on what he said :lew: but his parents are strict. I think their marriage was arranged... so he might have his wife chosen in the end :hmmm:

...his parents don't even know I exist as a friend, let alone were seeing each other. Every time he gets a phone call I have to stay silent. It's so frustrating. But like I said, I just don't want to press him to talk about it or pressure him into seeing me. If he says he can't I believe him... it's just frustrating right now. I'll feel better soon :sad3:
 
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i have a friend who's Lebanese, her parents will not under any circumstance let her date anyone but another Lebanese guy...your situation kind of reminded me of hers but yours is about religion rather than race...I think it makes for a very lonely life for the kid with the parents who are like that...they don't understand they're doing more harm than good...or they don't care :S

I think you should find someone else...I know you don't want advice but think about if you two were to get together or something and it ended up lasting, what would his religion be expecting from you in the future? Would it make you guys clash and argue when it comes to decisions? I dunno, if his parents are anything like my friends parents who will disown her if she doesn't do as they say then I think it's kinda a lost cause.

Really strong religion and non religious people don't mix in a relationship in my eyes. If he believed in god but it wasn't a major part in his life then I think things could work but it's not :damon: it's a massive part of who he is.
 
Ah, I know Toni :lew: I intend to find someone else. We're not together any more we're just really good friends so it's still pretty painful :wacky: I guess I'd rather have him as a friend than nothing at all. He's already explained that he *could* stay with me in secret but he'd never be able to marry me so in the end it would have to finish. It's less painful to break it off now than when we graduate.

The thing that bothers me is that he doesn't follow his religion strictly at all. In the end it's just down to what the parents expect of him. He himself said it shouldn't matter who he marries but to his family, it does. It's a shame :hmmm: but you're right.

I feel better about it already. Thanks everyone.
 
my opinion.. love has no boundaries. no matter what race, religion or anything.. if two people love each other they should not be held back by religion and beliefs. i feel for you toshiya. i think in this day and age... people can date regardless of backgrounds. maybe his parents will see that he was happy with you and allow him to date you.. personally my attitude.. i'd have gone against the parents.. but that's just me.


Hahaha yeah :lew: it's not like I'm a complete loner. I have more friends here, just nobody close enough to rant at about this. Hence the soppy forum post D:
Click to expand...

no worries on that.. i posted something ranting a few months ago myself as well. :)
 
You know i cant imagine being in his position cuz im a believer of one having his or her own free will and of course im not from a strict Muslim family though i dont think religion should even matter.
In my opinion a man will take control of his own life and if he likes a girl he will do ANYTHING he can to get her despite what his parents may think of him. If he bends over to his parents ideals so easily to what i would call unfair and racist demands and expectations then hes not a man worth having as your partner as he lacks the courage to challenge his parents to be with you. If this guy is your age then hes gunna be 18 / 19. That says to me this person is a man not a child. If he was14 there wouldnt be much he could do. No hes a man and should act like one.

Find something worthy of you tosh and move on from this guy.
 
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I know, it saddens me actually that he can't do what he wants... I know I don't really understand his culture but I've always been free to do pretty much as I like. He knows no different so he just accepts it. He's mega close to his family so he accepts that they contol large parts of his life... each to their own I spose.

Thanks Lewis :ryan:
 
I hate to sound like an ass, but thank god I was born in a free country as far as culture stand point goes. There might be a lot of bad crap said about the USA, but living here has given me some appreciation, that I can say what I want and when I want, without having to worry about looking over my back. I also can be with who I want, though there are times people do get chastised for beliefs and such.

I know I grew up in a christian environment and they always, and I mean always said that I was never supposed to be with a non believer. Though Charlotte, I think you are dealing with more of a cultural thing. I hate it for you, but it's best to either not talk to him until you are dating someone, or try to break him of his family, which in my opinion is more than I have in me.

All I can say is.. best of luck!
 
Well Shu religious or culture thing I dont know perhaps a little bit of both,but yeah like Christians Muslims want their offspring to marry a believer preferrably. Some are not tht uptight and in this case yup uptight.

I know a friend who has a child now with a white girl and his family deserted him.
I know another friend who has chill parents and are ok with him dating a white girl.

It just depends. Overall Im sorry to say but forget about the guy. He better be pretty sure what he is losing of he goes for you and the other way around etc.

You are still young Charlotte. Plenty fish in the sea.
 
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