Case of the Ex

[Smiley]

I would like to pose a small question to you:

Can you hold up a decent, civilised, non awkward conversation with your Ex? If no, why? If yes, how?

Personally, Ive been single 74 days (according to this Days Until app) and Im happy. But my ex was my best friend before we started going out. I really want to try and hold up a decent conversation without him paying me out about something. It should be known that I did the breaking and therefore any spiteful tones he gives me are completely my fault. I just wanna know about your experiences. How do you deal with the awkwardness around your ex?

 

[Shaissa]

I'm going say a bit of both.

I am friends with a couple of my ex's and you know you can still hang out... in a group of people... but you know, you just see them with someone else, there is always going be that thought in the back of your mind "that use to be me" or a bit of jealousy...it just happens... key is to accept it's there and to not really show it.

I mean hey, if you were friends before you dated, should be no reason why you can't be friends after the fact, i mean...unless it was a very bad break up... but from what you sound like...it was kinda mutual so I think things should be ok, just don't be the best friend! Trust me on that one, being your ex's best friend is almost the worst thing in the world!

 

[Smiley]

I mean hey, if you were friends before you dated, should be no reason why you can't be friends after the fact, i mean...unless it was a very bad break up... but from what you sound like...it was kinda mutual so I think things should be ok, just don't be the best friend! Trust me on that one, being your ex's best friend is almost the worst thing in the world!

It wasn't a bad breakup...it was just unexpected. He didnt see it coming at all, but I explained to him that I still wanted to be his friend and that we could still hang out. To which he has resorted to patronising me and paying me out every time he sees me, which is kind of immature if you think about it. I mean, not like he foesnt have a reason to, but its just frustrating, you know? This may be a stupid question: not that Im going to try to be, but whats wrong with being best friends with your ex?

 

[Shaissa]

It wasn't a bad breakup...it was just unexpected. He didnt see it coming at all, but I explained to him that I still wanted to be his friend and that we could still hang out. To which he has resorted to patronising me and paying me out every time he sees me, which is kind of immature if you think about it. I mean, not like he foesnt have a reason to, but its just frustrating, you know? This may be a stupid question: not that Im going to try to be, but whats wrong with being best friends with your ex?

Well in my case... basically the ex goes to you with every relationship problem (in my case my ex has a lot of them with this guy) and I think to myself "seriously...dump his ass!" and you just get frustrated about all the relationship problems... but i mean...i guess it could be different with you.



Oh and if he is going act like that, it doesn't sound like he wants to be just friends with you. If that is the case, it is his lost!

 

[Squid]

Why on earth would he want to be your friend when you broke up with him?? :S honestly I don't get people who want to be friends with ex's! I really don't! You broke his heart by randomly dumping him. It's selfish of you to want to he friends when he clearly does not. It's immature that he mocks you when you see eachother but other than that he has every right to not want to see you or be pals with you. It hurts a lot just pretending to be friends with someone when you used to (or still) have feelings for them. Specially when you were the one being broken up with.Leave the poor boy alone.Also I'd never be friends with an ex. Not interested and see no point.

 

[Lirael]

I'm still great friends with four of five exes - the fifth I dated for one month only and we had absolutely nothing in common. There's no awkwardness when we talk and I've never experienced jealousy from either side. S---, W--- and C------- all have had girlfriends; W--- and C----- still do. I've never felt awkward about this; I've just been mega keen to meet them. Similarly, they don't feel jealous about my boyfriend Chris and ask how we're doing frequently, as a best friend would.

I don't think either of you are being selfish!

It's incredibly hard to distance yourself from your ex when you do the breaking up as, quite often, you will still care about them. You may even still love them as a friend; you just don't want to be a couple anymore.

It's also incredibly hard for the ex who's on the receiving end during a break up to return to being friends. It takes time and distance. My exes S---- and W--- both needed several months before they finally returned to being my friend. When I say distance, I mean deleting one another from Facebook, not talking via msn, never seeing one another at group events.

Your ex is being immature, but it's a defence mechanism as both his emotions and ego have been hurt. The fact the breakup was unexpected also means he's quite confused. He has to adjust to a life he didn't expect.

My advice is to give him time. Tell him that you still care about him and would like to be friends, but let him know that it's on his terms. He is welcome to contact you when he feels ready. If he continues to contact you to insult you...well, don't take his insults to heart. S---- did a number of things - he tried to turn my friends against me by spreading lies; he sent a message describing the various ways in which he'd like to maim, torture and then kill me - but once he had vented, he distanced himself for about a year. Over that year, he matured and developed and then contacted me again. He apologised for being bitter. We're now great friends.

 

[Sepalcure]

Regarding myself and Greg, I could hold decent and civilized conversations with him to a fault ... until he would allude to sexual undertones and then it would become rather awkward. I say awkward because unlike him, I was in the process of renewing my relationship with Shawn. Once you renew a relationship with someone and commit to that person it becomes pretty inconvenient to remain friends with an ex. I couldn't be friends with Greg anyway even if I was or wasn't with Shawn at this point, simply because ... why would I want to? How would it benefit me at this point, Greg and I are separated for a sole reason: distance difficulties. He doesn't have the necessary funds to come up to see me and vice versa.

Regarding your situation, it's really up to you. I'm not going to advise you to not contact him at all. I think that some exes can renew contact and be civil but I'm wary of crossing that friendship line--I feel like crossing that boundary will involuntarily lead to deeper feelings and if you're not prepared for renewing a relationship than it gets messy. If you want to remain friends or to be civil then it depends on if you've dumped the person, if they're open to contact, and if they don't despise you (which also would affect their contacting you). Establishing a relationship takes a lot time, because they must feel like they can trust you and you must "turn over a new leaf" with them--that's a whole other process unto itself. But I digress, yeah it's up to you, it takes time for someone who has been dumped to get past that feeling of animosity with you. For Shawn, I felt a lot of guilt even trying to contact him because I knew deep down he still had feelings for me and he even admitted it--the first two weeks without me made him angry--he didn't get why I would just dump him so abruptly with little to no explanation. In that same vein, your ex is entitled to his emotions--let him be, like Chuck said, and then when ever you feel ready you can contact him little by little. I wouldn't overwhelm him, just give him time to work through his emotions regarding you. I will say that it's incredibly immature, yes, for him to being patronizing with you but I think that's just his way of letting you know that he's still hurt over the breakup. Your ex has feelings to you, respect that. And if you're not ready to respect his feelings and let him work through his emotions, then maybe you shouldn't be civil with him much less friends with him.

 

[Apricots]

I can't even handle being reminded of him typically. He was abusive.

But as for your ex, yeah, I'd definitely say give him more time. 74 days isn't much in the grand scheme of things.

 

[Smiley]

I can't even handle being reminded of him typically. He was abusive.

But as for your ex, yeah, I'd definitely say give him more time. 74 days isn't much in the grand scheme of things.

He's actually okay now, we can have decent civilised conversations and its great! (We're texting atm)

As for your situation, I completely understand. There are certain massive barriers that keep you from even thinking about him, and I was actually going to say that that is a very important factor in this. If your ex was abusive, or he cheated on you, or it was a really messy bad breakup then of course you wouldn't even want to maintain a friendship. I completely understand, thanks for the post

 

[Tyler Breeze]

Of course we can. They always come back to me anyway. I am just that charming and dashing. I'm always the one to end the relationship. I get bored. I have to try new things, y'know? Okay, okay, I'm done with that. XDXD Seriously, I can. When I broke up with my "girlfriend" a few years ago, we were able to talk to each other just like normal at recess time. There was no animosity or anything like that. It was chill. And I'm gonna want to keep it like that after future relationships as well. >_>

 

[Kandy-Sugar]

Never spoke to them again and if I did it wouldn't be pleasant.

Never ever wanted to have anything to do with my ex's once they become an ex.

I don't get the whole, 'But I still want to be friends' especially if you're the dumpee.

Why would you want to watch someone you clearly have feelings for move on and only consider you a friend?

I think people are best to go their own paths after breaking up.

Can't answer the question due to having no experience with speaking to ex's afterwards but I know it would definitely be awkward.

 

[The Welsh Paddy]

Bit of both, really. My first ex was down to a mutual split and we'd been good friends since then. My second, I haven't actually seen since breaking up (It was me who decided to split), my third ex kinda went on a huge rampage. Threatened to commit suicide, turned extremely nasty and started turning friends on me. (Needless to say, I don't consider them friends anymore because if they were friends they wouldn't have been so quick to turn against me. ) She pretty much did a lot of things that have resulted in me not being able to look at her the same way ever again.

My fourth ex dumped me for reasons still unknown to me. I guess if I saw her regularly after that, it would be really awkward; mostly because I would have wanted some closure. But, I've moved on now. Happy living with my fiance and little one, so I don't even dwell on it anymore. I can imagine if I ever bump into my last ex, I'd be polite and civil enough but I don't know about being friends.

 

[Sir Kenneth]

Without any problem at all. It's been more than 2 years since we split and everything that's happened between us, the good and the bad, is water under the bridge now. We don't hang out or anything, nor are we BFF or anything like that, but when we do talk on occasion, it is always civil and polite.

She's kind of like those people from high school you weren't exactly friends with, but got along with okay anyway. If you run into them in the street, you will stop, say "hello", and ask them how they are going. But as long as they are safe, healthy and doing okay, you don't really care and you have no interest in seeing them in any other context than that.

Generally I agree with Kandy-Sugar though. I don't really have any interest in being friends with my ex-girlfriends and find the whole notion to be a bit American sitcom-ish. If things didn't end too badly though and/or if the relationship was generally a happy one, I don't see any reason not to take the high road and be decent about it though.

 

[iSmiff]

Meh, yes and no. We can chat but it's nowhere near as free-flowing and spontaneous as it was before, which is a shame as we used to talk alot.

 

[Shu]

Hmm, depends which one. Depends on the status of the break up as well. Was it full closure on both ends?

I hardly and by hardly, very very very seldom do I talk to any of my exes.

Here's why okay.

1) In high school had 2 girls who really just needed a little self awareness. The things they said about other people, and then we'd do our physical stuff, almost made me feel like I was taking part. I dropped one, and the other sort of.. we just stopped talking. We fell out.

2) In college I dated one girl for two years. I cheated on her while she studied abroad. Combination of things that happened, but mainly that I couldn't quite figure why I was with her anymore. Yes we had sex almost every day, but that wasn't it. Anyway, no, I doubt it. I doubt we will ever speak again. I don't regret it, it's just I cut every one of her friends out of my life too. She's a great person, great body, and great personality. I could see us talking, but meh, it's the past.

3) Separate time when I was in Franklin , I dated a girl in Georgia. The drive was a killer, and she drove me out of my mind (not in a good way). She was ultra ultra paranoid, but then played mind games on me. She actually ended it, which was funny to me, because I was already talking to girlfriend number 2. I gave too much of myself for someone, and they were always making stuff up about themselves. When I didn't pay attention to it, the tension grew and grew until she pretty much said eff it. So I would not speak to her ever again, because I have my fair share with crazy. Great sex, had some great deal of fun in Savannah, but ehh.

4) Other girl I dated for well.. not long actually, we ended it on really good terms. I don't know if you can call it dating if we never made out, never did much, it was just.. a very surreal connection. It almost made me believe in soul mates. I think was I was just too scared of this. I was going through a lot at the time, and I mean.. a lot. I didn't know how much I could take really. It was just a bad bag. She helped me through it, and I helped her through her stuff too. We were situationaly cut off from each other though. I went to college, and meh she stuck around town. If I saw her today, I have open arms for her. I would also have an open ear for her, but I am married so nothing more. I have been very faithful to my wife (as much as I go out around pretty ladies).

In summary.. I miss a lot of these girls in my mind. Though you can't tear down those walls that you built up. Hell I can't even shed tears anymore, I make the motions but nothing comes out yo. So yea, it's best if I don't talk to them. In utopia maybe I could bridge back those burned ones.

 

[L]

Heavily depends on why we broke up.

If it was betrayal, no. You got a better chance of going to an animal shelter and finding a cat that likes swimming. If it just wasn't working out or either of us had opportunities we needed to pursue and no time for a relationship, then sure.

 

[Coco]

i think it depends on stuff like how long you were together, how intimate you got, why you broke up (this, more than anything)

i broke up with my first boyfriend because my parents didn't approve because i was young and i felt the same eventually. i transferred schools right after we broke up which saved me a lot of awkward encounters with him. the last i heard of him, he had threatened the boyfriend i had then.

the second, i couldn't bear to talk to him. we broke up because he went to a uni that was far, then 2 weeks later he had another girlfriend. i was too angry and hurt to talk to him. he tried to text, call and see me but i avoided him completely. then one day, months later, i saw him again. the next day we left the person we were dating, and got back together.

the guy i was dating during that time i mentioned above did not want to talk to me anymore because of what i did, which i understand. i had hurt him. he and i were dating and one day i suddenly told him it had to end because i was getting back together with my ex.

so yeah based on my list, i don't talk to any of my exes. due to various reasons, but there it is.

 

[Rapture]

Never spoke to them again and if I did it wouldn't be pleasant.

Never ever wanted to have anything to do with my ex's once they become an ex.

I don't get the whole, 'But I still want to be friends' especially if you're the dumpee.

Why would you want to watch someone you clearly have feelings for move on and only consider you a friend?

I think people are best to go their own paths after breaking up.

Can't answer the question due to having no experience with speaking to ex's afterwards but I know it would definitely be awkward.

Thank you!!! Someone who finally agrees with my stance on why one shouldn't try and be besties with someone after you break up with them

I don't see the point in trying to be friends with someone after they hurt you (or you hurt them) emotionally, which is usually what happens...sour feelings with the other person after you break up. I don't think there's many relationships out there that end where both people are perfectly happy moving on from each other and rainbows, cupids, and butterflies shoot out everywhere and there's this perfectly happy ending with the two people going their separate ways.

There would have to be a reason to want to continue having them in your life after everything is said and done. One is you (or the other person) wants to continue being in each others lives for whatever reason...to always keep you on the back burner as a back up, or who knows. Another thing might be "ohhh yeah we are friends now, so I don't necessarily need to commit to you per say, but I still wouldn't mind getting with you every now and then (friends with benefits)." I've never been down for that and I never will be. I've always been completely committed to whomever I've been with and I deserve the same in return. To me, these are selfish reasons to try and hold on to the other person, or for you to try and hold on to them. These aren't reasons that lead to happiness as time goes on, it only furthers selfishness and heartache. ...I'm really NOT saying this is the case for everyone when they split up, it's just what I've known in the past and what I've seen in friend's relationships as well. Everyone's take on a break up is different, of course.

Holding on to people emotionally and physically gets draining after awhile. There's always that question of "what if we get back together at some point?" too and I think its that in particular that keeps you from meeting the RIGHT person down the road because you are holding on to something that just isn't and will likely never be there.

I'd rather just wash my hands of it and move on.

 

[The Welsh Paddy]

I honestly don't think that everyone has ulterior motives when it comes to wanting to be friends after breaking up. If a couple break up their romantic relationship but decide to maintain a friendly relationship, then all it is is a matter of not thinking of them as your girlfriend/boyfriend. It could very well be a case of simply taking something positive that might otherwise be a bad situation.

Of course, I still agree with what everyone says about it being dependent on the circumstances you break up on, but I don't think a friendship is so unreasonable if that's what the two of you want.

 

[Shu]

Thank you!!! Someone who finally agrees with my stance on why one shouldn't try and be besties with someone after you break up with them

I don't see the point in trying to be friends with someone after they hurt you (or you hurt them) emotionally, which is usually what happens...sour feelings with the other person after you break up. I don't think there's many relationships out there that end where both people are perfectly happy moving on from each other and rainbows, cupids, and butterflies shoot out everywhere and there's this perfectly happy ending with the two people going their separate ways.

There would have to be a reason to want to continue having them in your life after everything is said and done. One is you (or the other person) wants to continue being in each others lives for whatever reason...to always keep you on the back burner as a back up, or who knows. Another thing might be "ohhh yeah we are friends now, so I don't necessarily need to commit to you per say, but I still wouldn't mind getting with you every now and then (friends with benefits)." I've never been down for that and I never will be. I've always been completely committed to whomever I've been with and I deserve the same in return. To me, these are selfish reasons to try and hold on to the other person, or for you to try and hold on to them. These aren't reasons that lead to happiness as time goes on, it only furthers selfishness and heartache. ...I'm really NOT saying this is the case for everyone when they split up, it's just what I've known in the past and what I've seen in friend's relationships as well. Everyone's take on a break up is different, of course.

Holding on to people emotionally and physically gets draining after awhile. There's always that question of "what if we get back together at some point?" too and I think its that in particular that keeps you from meeting the RIGHT person down the road because you are holding on to something that just isn't and will likely never be there.

I'd rather just wash my hands of it and move on.

Hmm. Maybe I'm a guy here, but I still don't see those as valid reasons. You don't have to sleep with a guy to keep talking to him. I know often times we fellas are pigs, but not unless he has done something "really" effed up. Like lied to you about something very personal or relationship raped you (it happens and girls thinks it is okay if they have had sex with him before and the guy forces himself on you when you don't want it). There is also the mind effing bit. If he plays with you and basically sleeps around. I could see that.

Like I said the only reason I don't speak to one of my exes literally is because she was an act. She made herself out to be something she never was, and I paid for it. It was almost like being with a prostitute, but instead of daddy issues, she had "everything issues." It's like giving to a parasite, it balloons more and more the more you give and has a never ending desire, and when you stop caring due to seeing the true colors, it gets malignant.

Though you folks are down right "nah eff that." Sounds like a lot of folks don't have proper closure. If the closure is proper, you don't feel the need to tell every single life detail, but sometimes you just want to say "hey how you been?". No bragging about your life status, no being a needy person, just you being real to someone who you actually gave yourself to at one point.

No matter how much you think you can get yourself back after having sex or dating or marrying someone else, you never do get yourself back fully, unless there is complete closure.