Serious Conflicting Thoughts!

Squid

Squid

Suck my dick.
Veteran
Joined
Nov 29, 2010
Messages
3,512
Location
Australia
Gil
0
Heya everyone,

Just wanted to post this up for advice or even criticism and hopefully some people will kick my butt into gear.

Now i have been dating my current BF for a year and a half now. He's lovely, funny, sweet and he looks great.
he's also messy, childish, immature, has no future goals and doesn't really do things with me unless i plan them, we either just sit around at home watching movies or he goes out to see his friends. He does spoil me on special occasions though so its not like he neglects me.

Now the problem is, The other day my friend introduced me to this guy, he is very smart, 26, good looking, loves games and travels to Japan and just seems to lead an exciting fun life....
I've been thinking about this guy a lot to be honest and it is making me feel like a massive shit girlfriend!!

I love my BF so much but am having conflicting thoughts!!
I am bored with my relationship to be honest and I think I am having these thoughts because lately Sam (my bf) and I have been fighting a lot... like over everything...
So I dunno what to do or how to stop fighting with Sam so I stop looking at other men, hoping and wishing that I had a new one D:

What do you guys think?
 
not wanting to sound insensitive(coz thats so not me) but it maybe time to face the fact that this relationship has run its course, if as you say you argue over everything and you do nothing together then there is no joy left in the relationship.

You must grow as a couple, other wise it will die, if you have higher expectations than your current Boyfriend you have to ask your self that in the coming years when you establish the way you live your life whether you want to support or be supported by someone who will care for you the way you need and deserve.

And no thats not from a movie:hmph:
 
Well, most of us go through that "I'm bored with this relationship" deal at some point in our lives. It's normal, especially if you're young. We want that thrill and excitement, and maybe experience it with someone new. The temptation is there and who knows when it'll go away. Maybe it won't. Maybe you're really thinking about ending your current relationship with your boyfriend. Or maybe you're waiting for the feeling to pass because deep down, no matter how bored you are with the relationship, you want to stay and make it work. I wouldn't know what you really feel about it, but I'm sure you have many mixed emotions inside and you're at a loss.

I don't want to be judgemental because I don't know these two guys other than what you've mentioned so far, so I don't want to say anything that would make you lean more on either guy. That's totally up to you and I believe that even with the amount of advices and critiques you hear about everyone else's opinions, what we say shouldn't be a deciding factor for you. Sure, take the time and listen, but in the end only you can really figure things out on your own. Fighting with your SO is normal, though wishing that you are in a new relationship does make me wonder if you're really content with your current relationship. Is that your anger speaking though? Sorta like, a heat of the moment kinda thing. Because with you trying to seek advices on how to quit fighting with Sam (though in reality, arguments or lover's quarrel is something that is to be expected in every relationship), then it also tells me that you're finding ways for it to work for you both. But that's just what I think. Like I said, what do I really know? =]

You and your boyfriend are both young (I'm assuming he's around the same age as you?) so there's many room for growth and building a more steady and stable relationship. Whether you think it is with him or this new other guy, I really can't say, but I do wish you the very best nonetheless. Just remember...no one is perfect in a relationship, so don't focus too much on the new guy and expect things to be perfect as they seem. On the same note, don't focus too much on someone's flaws either - as long as it doesn't harm the relationship in any way, accept each other's flaws for what they are, though by all means, do find ways to mend things if it's really that big of a deal. You have many years ahead of you so who knows, maybe you might end up in a new relationship and be happier that way. But don't rush things, just enjoy being a young adult and see where it takes you from there. :)
 
I am gonna be bluntly honest. If a women comes to me saying she got "bored" of our relationship that would earn her a one way ticket out of my life....for a whole week. Period. Getting bored is normal...in a game, in school, maybe in church, and sometimes in a teenager relationship (like around 13 to 15 years teenage range). No offense intended. I am just being realist.

BUT, at least you are honest to yourself. Takes guts to be honest about these sort of things. Maybe, just maybe you don't want to be with him anymore. Sometimes we simply cease to see a significant other in the person we once thought would be the love of our lifetime. Yeah, human nature sucks.

You are subconsciously rejecting your boyfriend since you admitted you are bored hence all the sudden fights. Like it or not, you are now focusing on all the bad things and reacting to it. It's not like you want to fight, it is simply that you can't avoid it. Your tolerance level (which was highly upgraded during your infatuation/love period) is running out of batteries. If this keeps up you'll come to the point where you simply won't be able to be with him any longer and will ultimately end in a break up, lots of tears, drama here drama there...and maybe you'll both say a lot "I am sorry", work around it, and problem fixed! You live happily ever after...or at least until the next bump on the road.

Look, relationships are not always meant to be an evergreen garden, sometimes it gets dry and looks like a mess, so you are not expected to be having fun all the time. These are the so called "hardships" every relationship should endure in order to prove that maintaining such a relationship is indeed worth preserving.

If your relationship can't stand firm during these ordeals, then do him a favor and part ways. It will hurt less...actually it will still hurt like hell.Pain is inevitable suffering is optional. That's what "growing as a couple" is all about. Sometimes they are the love of your life and at other times they feel as a torn under the skin.

Now about the new guy. You are attracted to the new guy simply because you see in him the things you would like to see in Sam...or something among those lines. There's something intriguing about the world "NEW" in human relationships that draws people apart and towards the "new someone" like moths to the flame. That's normal. No need to feel guilty about it. We are humans, we are attracted to excitement, new adventures and all the joys of the uncertain....or maybe it is just that we love to complicate stuff.

Now the thing is, if you don't love Sam anymore, don't keep him believing you do. Do him a favor and be honest. Tell him it simply won't work anymore. The less explanations you give the better so long as you give a firm, clear and final reason.

First question you should be asking yourself is if you still love Sam, like loving him as the first time (but after the whole "butterflies in the tummy" period). The second is if you are willing to openly and honestly speak these issues with Sam. Us men are mostly oblivious by nature, we don't notice most things...we usually always miss the signals and we need to be told right away that we are off track.

Does Sam knows about your current feelings? You should tell him (AVOID the bored part....DON'T mention that...you'll hurt his...ego...all men have an ego... ).

Don't feel bad, having doubts is normal. Blind love, now that's some sick stuff. You are merely trying to figure out what's best for you.

Talk to Sam, work this around....avoid the new guy for now. The last thing you need is to add more confusion to the mix.

Love is like a statue... you've gotta fix the cracks before the statue crumbles or else once you put it all together again it won't be the same and will most likely fall apart again.

Think it carefully, and solve it fast because the only person you'll end up hurting a lot might be the one who truly cares about you all along. You might even lose him and regret it.

Sorry if I offended you or if I was harsh. You are an adult, I am an adult, and this is life.
 
Hi guys, thanks for the great words and advice, don't worry, none of you offended me, I really wanted to see what others thought of the situation!

I can honestly say I still love Sam, I love him to bits but, I really don't see him putting in the effort into our relationship... and i have just stopped trying to the point where... the sex is literally non existant for 3 months... I love him but I dunno.. just something is missing, there isnt really a spark and there hasn't been for a little while.

If I tell him I want to do something fun or exciting together he'll make me think of an idea, or if I tell him we haven't been out for dinner in a while, then he'll organise that then never again until months later when I mention it again. I dunno if that is just a boy thing but lately it is driving me mad.

I also still hold bad feelings from when we first met (a lot of bad shit happened between us) Ugh I guess I am still stuck on the fact that I love him, I just don't really know how to fix us so I stop thinking things about other people and so we stop fighting like crazy people :(
 
Then just leave Squid.......that will answer your question of how the dude feels and how much you mean to him, if he fight for you then he still cares, if he lets you go with out a fight, well that would be a sad end :sad3:

a cliche but it will work.
 
It's natural that when you're fighting with your significant other frequently, that you subconsciously start looking at others and thinking they might be better. Mainly because when you get in a fight, you almost feel like you don't want to be with them anymore. But lets face facts, if we ended our relationships over 1 fight, then we'd never be in relationships. However, if it's numerous petty fights, then the relationship might be headed for disaster.

I would also advise that if you did break up with your boyfriend, that you don't just jump into a relationship with another dude almost immediately, just because you're thinking about him. The last thing you'd want to do is ruin your chances with your current boyfriend, if taking some time apart were to help your cause. Getting with another dude in that small timeframe would end it for good.

If you feel like your current boyfriend is holding you back from activities that you'd like to do because he prefers to be a homebody, then this is something you should have noticed a long time ago and confronted him about. Lifestyle differences can make a relationship very difficult. I think you should have a serious talk with him about this subject. He deserves to know how you feel.

Anyways, just my thoughts. Sorry if they seem brash or insensitive at all. Best of luck!
 
Pink,

Let me tell you one thing and not to be dissing on your homeboy mr. Sam, but even if you are just complaining, it sounds like your relationship is hardly existent.

I'm saying this about both of you. I'm not sure if you are long distance, or if Sam has little to no money to take you out to eat on occasion, but from what it sounds like ya'll don't exactly spend much time together as is, and when you do you fight. That's not good. That means if you spent more time together on a more frequent basis then ya'll would be at each others throat more.

Also and maybe you didn't describe it enough, but it only sounds like he hangs out with you when it's convenient for his schedule. This to me isn't a relationship. So you have to rationalize here, if you want to talk serious with Sam do so, if he can't be calm about it, then make him realize what it's like without you.

Good luck to you, and as far as the other guy.. well I don't know enough about you two's relationship, but I doubt that'll work out. Sounds just like your mind spinning things out of proportion, no offense.
 
o0PinkSquid0o said:
If I tell him I want to do something fun or exciting together he'll make me think of an idea, or if I tell him we haven't been out for dinner in a while, then he'll organise that then never again until months later when I mention it again. I dunno if that is just a boy thing but lately it is driving me mad.
Click to expand...

Well a few things about most men you should know: us men are terrible reading/interpreting state of emotions of most women. We are easily distracted, we are sometimes oblivious to the obvious, and when we say
"uh huh" it is because we got lost halfway during a serious conversation (hence easily distracted). But hey, don't despair! We try our best to improve.

Of course, it seems Sam takes this to the next level...

Maybe you should split up. If he doesn't care, then the best is for you to separate permanently. No need to fix something if he is not willing to do his share of the job.

If you do split up with Sam...try to avoid new relationships for a while because chances are they won't work.
 
Sam and I are both 21, so yeah we're still quite young and we're not in a long distance relationship, we actually live together.
I don't actually see him that often even though we do, he's either working late or at his friends house, all I get to see of him is the mess he leaves around the house -_-

We fight at least 3 times a day over stupid things, this morning it was over seeing the movie Tangled. I wanted to go with my friends and he wanted to come too but I didn't want him to coz he saw Tron without me and blah blah. its really petty shit, like stuff normal people wouldn't fight about.

When I think about breaking up with Sam I get scared, I don't want to hurt his feelings, I don't want a bigger fight. We share friends together and we share furniture. Ugh I don't know what to do about the furniture thing if he moved out (its my house so he'd have to move out)
I dont have enough money to buy a new fridge or something if he wanted that atm D:

The reason I didn't see the warning signs at the start of our relationship even though we had a rocky start is because I was just blinded by the fact that I had a new Boyfriend.

I was never planning on dumping Sam and going straight for the new guy btw, I was bringing him up more as an example of why I think my relationship is going sour, the fact that I can think about wanting to be with someone else is scary :'(
 
From what I have read, it seems that you are the one who makes the decisions in your relationship; what movie to see, what restaurant to go to and it sounds like you get irritated by this. In many relationships, it is usually the male who makes the choices because for a long time, it has been believed that males are much more dominant than females. But, it seems that your boyfriend, Sam, is not confident in making decisions like these, so, he asks you to make the choice because he doesn't know what to do and he thinks that your choice will please you.

For me, this outlines a few characteristics of Sam: laid-back, unsure, laziness. He prefers to let you make the decisions seeing as you suggested what to do and he doesn't like making the effort to do something special. Also, you seem to revolve around his life and he doesn't make enough time for you. The most important thing in a relationship is spending time with each other, otherwise you grow apart. He does love you to a certain extent though, that is why he wanted to go to see the film with you and your friends. It's slightly overprotective in my opinion. Judging by the fact that you don't want to hurt him, you still love him. Depending on how much you love each other, you can try and fix things.

In the end, it's up to you about what you want to do. You should do what is right for you because it is your life. I always give this piece of advice to everyone and trust me, it works.

Anyway, good luck with whatever you decide to do and I hope that everything turns out well.
 
o0PinkSquid0o said:
Sam and I are both 21, so yeah we're still quite young and we're not in a long distance relationship, we actually live together.
I don't actually see him that often even though we do, he's either working late or at his friends house, all I get to see of him is the mess he leaves around the house -_-
Click to expand...

You are total strangers living in the same house.
We fight at least 3 times a day over stupid things, this morning it was over seeing the movie Tangled. I wanted to go with my friends and he wanted to come too but I didn't want him to coz he saw Tron without me and blah blah. its really petty shit, like stuff normal people wouldn't fight about.
Click to expand...
Believe me, even normal people fight about such petty things. Even close friends. But when it comes to a relationship usually nothing is ever really a petty issue.

When I think about breaking up with Sam I get scared, I don't want to hurt his feelings, I don't want a bigger fight. We share friends together and we share furniture. Ugh I don't know what to do about the furniture thing if he moved out (its my house so he'd have to move out)
I dont have enough money to buy a new fridge or something if he wanted that atm D:
Click to expand...

Well it is natural being scared of the uncertain. You share a lot more than just material stuff, this is the main reason of your fears.

The reason I didn't see the warning signs at the start of our relationship even though we had a rocky start is because I was just blinded by the fact that I had a new Boyfriend.
Click to expand...
Love is blind. But honestly, things that start bad...usually end up worst. You really need to talk about these things with him and express your concerns. He needs to understand that you have needs, that need attention and that he should seriously consider spending more time with his girlfriend in general.

If he was like this from the start, chances are he won't change now.

I was never planning on dumping Sam and going straight for the new guy btw, I was bringing him up more as an example of why I think my relationship is going sour, the fact that I can think about wanting to be with someone else is scary :'(
Click to expand...

Well your concerns have valid reasons. I know it is easier said than done, but have you considered asking him what does he thinks of your relationship with him as of this day?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top