If this isn't considered cannibalism, then we have collectively failed as a society.
Welcome to FFF Sims Lifestream, brought to you by a semi-regular Twitch stream and from an inconspicuous Californian home. The FFF Sims Lifestream is an auspicious social experiment using EA's The Sims 4 to see what fresh, fascinating new insights can be gained pertaining to the human condition, though personally I believe it will simply be an ominous confirmation of the fact that the human race is a mistake.
In today's introductory episode, we focus on the goings-on in House 1, aka TURTLE PARADISE. The following stooges let loose on the house are as follows:
We have six halfwit housemates in an expensive house full of expensive equipment in an expensive neighbourhood. Let's pray that none of them are dimwitted enough to erroneously attempt to use a standard household appliance and ultimately start a fire...
WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, LET THE SOCIAL EXPERIMENT BEGIN WITH:
DAY #1 - SUNDAY
8:30am - People are actually voluntarily up and about at 8:30am on a Sunday morning. I call shenanigans. At the outset I find myself already haunted by the terrifying prospect that as a social experiment, Love Island may be more accurate a damning portrayal of what young adults are like when they're sent off to live in an idyllic paradise while also forced to interact with each other for our amusement.
So as far as I am concerned, it is the crack of dawn and Olivia decides to start things off with an intense political debate with Kira. Now I don't understand Sim-speak. It's as incomprehensible as other unintelligible real-life languages such as Singaporean English, or Dutch, or the mumbling noise that England team footballers produce when a microphone is shoved in front of them after a match. Maybe Olivia and Kira are having a heated exchange over the optimal income tax rate of Simsville, or perhaps Kira is acting callous and dismissive when it comes to equal rights for hotdogs. We may never know.
Also, yes. Olivia is dressed up as a hotdog.
9am - Dan finds a job as a criminal after only a few, simple clicks on a computer. I wouldn't know, so I have to ask: is that a thing? Are there real life thieves' guilds out there that now have an online presence to seek top millennial talent? Is there a LinkedIn equivalent for bandits, armed robbers and Serbian warlords? What do they look for on a CV? A verifiable body count? An impressive list of felonies and prison sentences?
10am - Tom, seemingly not as beguiled by the prospect of a life in crime, also finds a job, but as a scientist. Frankly, I think this is a stunning achievement for the man. Well done, Tom. You lack any real qualifications and yet somehow you've landed yourself a very prestigious, professional job in a laboratory staffed by members who inexplicably place enough trust in a man whom they've never met before and with a very dubious education and work history to waltz right in and start mixing the alkalines with the acids.
For the next few hours, we see Mitsuki allegedly troll the forums, as opposed to doing anything actually useful or productive. Hey, Mitsuki. How about you look for a job as well? I'm sure there's someone online looking for an aeronautical engineer with zero actual experience at all in the field. Okay, I kid. Mitsuki is in fact looking for a job and it doesn't take long for her to successfully land a gig in some kind of culinary field. Don't ask me what exactly, but let's pray this means she doesn't start a fire simply by making toast.
Olivia meanwhile initiates her standup comedy career. She confidently strides before a microphone and launches into a volley of diabolical jokes. Instead of inciting a concerted attempt to throw her onto the grill and smother her with condiments, the Human Hotdog is somehow funny enough to draw a modest audience in the form of Tom, Mitsuki and a creepy Adriano.
2:30pm - Dan and Tom engage in a very gentlemanly conversation in the outdoor dining area. Given this incarnation of Dan is a mischievous criminal troublemaker, it's very conceivable that he's either attempting to recruit Tom into this same seedy crime cartel business...or based on the image below, he's strongly insinuating that Tom is very...physically inadequate down below. Kira enters the conversation and at one point starts thinking about a pair of boxer shorts with luscious pink hearts, which is a choice of sleepwear that I swear only Tom wears when he snoozes at night. As such my headcanon can only picture a Kira concurring with Dan about Tom's pathetic numbers on FFLogs in front of his face, leaving poor Tom feeling utterly dejected and emasculated. Don't worry, Tom. DPS isn't always everything.
U WOT M8
Tom does not take kindly to this flagrant display of insolence. Rather than take it out on Kira like any rational, thinking person would, he takes it out on Dan instead. A fiery tirade and heated exchange follows in that dining area, prompting Kira to simply shrug her shoulders and walk out. Oi, come back, Kira. Take your share of the responsibility for what you've done here! Typical.
SERIOUSLY, LOOK AT THAT ADORABLE, ANGRY FACE OF HIS.
Ah, boys will be boys...
At this very moment, Tom's bladder protests, for it is full. Tom has to hurry and find a bathroom, as the humiliation of wetting his boxer shorts decorated with luscious pink hearts in front of Dan and Kira would be the second most embarrassing thing to happen in this house since Adriano joined. With the biological clock ticking before the tinkling inevitably begins unabated, Tom grabs his crotch and darts back into the house. He will not stop until he finds safe sanctuary in a toilet. Or alternatively he could simply answer the call of nature by urinating in a bush, but only savages do that - and all the savages are currently residing in the other house next door...
Detecting this to be the optimal time to go for a heartfelt apology for making fun of Tom's damage output size (or lack thereof), Dan leaps after Tom with intent to say sorry. I'm starting to suspect that this is just Dan conducting mischief again, but personally I wouldn't get in the way between a man with a bursting bladder and nature's sweet release. So all we can do is watch the pair of them have a forced conversation at the top of the stairs until Dan finally wisely decides to allow Tom to urinate in peace.
Yes, I just typed all that out. If there comes a time when one stops to introspectively question what they, a grown adult, are doing with their life, this is the time. Moving on then!
4:50pm - Because everyone else is able to easily acquire jobs with just a few mouse clicks on a computer, Olivia, the stalwart Human Hotdog of the house, decides to initiate her career as a secret agent. Now, I've actually looked into being some kind of MI6 agent in real life, and they have very rigorous tests and requirements for ideal candidates. As far as I know, Olivia lacks these skillsets and one of the last things any agency would want for their employees conducting sensitive top-secret work is for one of their agents to be hot-headed and intensely abrasive. But let's face it. Olivia is probably telling porkies. She's probably off to be a hotdog stand mascot.
Minutes later, Tom tries to dispel the earlier humiliation from his mind by apparently zapping Mitsuki with a hand buzzer for a laugh? Sure, why not? It's not like Mitsuki will make his DPS numbers any lower in retaliation.
5:30pm - EVERYONE STRIPS DOWN AND GOES FOR A LOVELY SUMMERTIME SWIM IN THE LUDICROUSLY TINY OUTDOOR POOL. I refuse to call that a pool. It's a bigger-than-average Jacuzzi, surely. Unfortunately, no one opts to swim naked.
Hang on a moment, who is the silly sod swimming with a tank top on? Is that you, Mitsuki?
7:00pm - Still wet from the swim, Kira climbs out of the pool and almost immediately gets a job as a doctor. Okay, originally she wanted to be a vet, but veterinarians up across Simsville have wisely come to the unanimous conclusion that they don't trust the woman to take extra special care of patient cats or pet spiders. Kira will be trusted to diagnose and recommend treatment for actual human patients instead, because we all know that the value of man is worth less than dogs or cats.
9:00pm - Presumably to celebrate the absurdity of acquiring a job as a doctor with no actual medical qualifications (at least no legally sound medical qualifications), Kira decides to boogie on the dance floor. Dan refuses to relinquish the dance crown to her and pulls off his own sick moves just inches behind her. All I can think about is that pair of tight magenta Speedos.
That booty don't need explaining
10:57pm - Adriano elects to sleep on the bench outside in his Speedos like a stray cat.
11:39pm - Now drugged up on ample cups of coffee (Kira reckons the coffee machine should be binned, but thankfully her wishes were overruled), Olivia decides to finally go to sleep. Because that's what a normal person does in preparation for bed especially with the prospect of "secret agent" work in the morning: they drink enough coffee to fill the pool up with.
She wanders upstairs into the master bedroom; Tom is already happily snoozing away in the king-sized bed, no doubt dreaming of ways to enact his retribution towards Dan. He is only rudely forced out of his sweet slumber when Olivia approaches. That's right. Olivia literally just waltzes into an occupied room and approaches the occupied bed, prompting viewers to sit up straight and wonder: is she about to disrobe on the spot and climb into bed wi-NO OF COURSE NOT.
Now jolted wide awake, Tom throws himself on his feet to confront this intruder. Tom is a man of principle; he is a man with a strong sense of right from wrong and a man who commands natural authority in his voice and demeanour. If there is anyone capable of evicting this dastard, unwanted guest from this room, that man must surely be Tom. Who does this Olivia think she is? He quickly and firmly orders her to leave the room at this very inst- NO OF COURSE NOT.
Tom points his head down and meekly leaves the room, allowing Olivia to get into the king-sized bed in his place. Within moments, Olivia is fast asleep, having just successfully woken a man up and evicted him from his own room. If I were Tom, I would be absolutely livid if two of my housemates in one day have made a laughing stock out of me. I'd start a fire just to spite them. Vindictive thoughts would cross my mind. My blood would boil. I would demand this injustice be addressed in any way, shape or form. Some method of karmic retribution is necessary. But what exactly can Tom do to ensure the hand of equity is dealt on the likes of Dan and Olivia? Revenge is a dish that shall be served...right after a midnight snack. Tom shrugs and saunters downstairs to make a midnight snack. As Sunday gives way to the very early hours of Monday, he marches into the shower, which is totally something you would do if someone kicked you out of bed.
DAY #2 - MONDAY
1:45am - The ominous chimes of a creep sound the air as Adriano quietly prowls the upstairs landing like a Scooby-Doo villain. He's certainly dressed like a Scooby-Doo villain. He just needs someone to tear his face off. With no Scrappy Doo to impede him, Adriano checks himself into the very room where Olivia is residing. What evil moves him at this very moment is simply unfathomable and a slumbering Olivia lays defenceless. A few more steps forward and Adriano will fully have the vulnerable Human Hotdog at his mercy. God help me, for I will never be able to wash away the mental horrors of what is about to transpire...
As if a kindly divine shepherd has heard my distressed call, the Speedos-bearing villain inexplicably stops in his tracks and turns round to exit the room. Olivia may be sound asleep and not consciously aware of how close her bacon came to disaster, but fate has smiled upon her this day. The question is, how much safer will she be? Is this lucky avoidance simply a one-off, or is she indeed regularly blessed with a ward potent enough to drive away the most vile of creatures in the night?
3:05am - EUREKA! Apparently a dose of daily humiliation and sleep deprivation is all you need to have a breakthrough at 3 in the morning. At 3:05am, a light bulb turns on in Tom's head and with this brilliant stroke of innovation and enlightenment he comes to the horrific realisation that he's the only sapient digital character in a game controlled by an actual human being on another plane of existence. This human being fancies herself a deity, happily taking control of each individual in this world and deliberately shaping and manipulating how they socialise and interact with one another. This deity is also capable of pausing time and fundamentally altering the physical structure of this very house! Essentially, everything Tom knows is a lie. It's all a veil of fabrication. It's a sham. He is a soul trapped in a video game and that is terrifying.
No, I'm joking. None of that immediately sprung into Tom's mind. In fact I have no idea what his sudden burst of inspiration is or where it has come from. Sorry, real Tom, but digital Tom isn't a smart Sim. Olivia is probably going to humiliate him yet again.
4:00am - And right on cue, Olivia proceeds to effortlessly walk all over Tom yet again. At 4am the game master rudely wakes her to have a bath. Seriously.
Tom is currently in the bathroom still recovering from his stroke of genius when Olivia casually barges straight in. Tom is well within his rights to tell Olivia to politely wait outside for him to be done, but you'd think the occupant of a bathroom would lock the door first to avoid having an intruder unceremoniously walk in on them in the blissful afterglow of their inspiration rush. Olivia is firm that she is to have a bubble bath at 4am and commands Tom to leave the room immediately...again. Tom meekly replies and bolts it with all the grace and glory of a defeated Brazilian national football team.
That said, a bathing Olivia is too good an opportunity for the Peeping Tom to miss out on...
5:25am - Evidently the creep quota has yet to be filled, for Adriano is now standing over the beds of both Mitsuki and Kira. Both women are happily snoozing away; Kira is fondly enjoying a delightful dream about unicorns. Maybe she's dreaming of felling EX Primals on Final Fantasy XIV. Or maybe she dreams of herself as an endangered, mythical animal, forced to gallop as far as possible from everything and everyone she's ever loved, as a terrible calamity threatens the total extinction of her kind. Christ, I hope it's not the latter. I've made myself depressed.
Heeding the command of the sinister, unseen Californian game master from another dimension, weirdo Adriano then proceeds to "spray the monster under the bed", which alone brings up very troubling connotations for a term that makes little to no sense to me in this context. What is he actually doing? Just spraying the beds? With what? Pesticide? His deodorant? An acidic concoction?!
Fortunately the girls wake up before Adriano can do anything more. Instead of gouging his eyes out and hanging him upside down from the ceiling lights as a punishment for everything he has done in the night, the girls fail to seem nonplussed at the presence of a creepy man in their room while they have been asleep who has just sprayed something wet and sticky onto their beds.
Mitsuki has to answer the early morning call of nature and Adriano walks in while she's yet to finish her business on the toilet. Somehow the creep STILL isn't punished for his antics. What does it take for this man to be dealt the equitable payback he so desperately deserves? Does he have to actually kill everyone in the house with an inferno first?
While Adri's antics occur, the sun slowly rises in the east and we see Dan calmly snoozing away on his own bed...disconcertingly dressed as a red bear with part of his costume magically clipping through the bed covers. What can a commentator even say about this?
7:00am - Tom has been on the piano for hours now. Is this what the Eureka moment was about? The light bulb in his head lit up and he was essentially inspired to go play a musical instrument? Good for you, Tom! I definitely encourage people to take up new challenges and learn new life skills. That said, it's generally discourteous to play the piano during the early hours of the morning when some other housemates have to wake up at practically the crack of dawn to get ready for work.
Speaking of work, Kira has to leave for her first shift at the hospital. Yes, a hospital. She's dressed as a hospital doctor and not an ordinary GP. She could well be working in ER today. KIRA. Citizens of Simsville, I highly implore that you all avoid the need to rush to hospital anytime soon, not because your medical insurance policy may not cover the full extent of your treatment and you may be saddled with a medical bill in the five figures, but Dr Kira could very likely just kill you in the wards.
Fifteen minutes later, the Human Hotdog leaves the premises also to go to work. What exactly her job is or indeed where she even works remains a mystery to us all. I have a sneaking suspicion she doesn't actually work. I suspect she simply steals money from vulnerable elderly people. I refuse to believe a woman dressed as a hotdog will ever be trusted with tasks pertaining to national security.
10:00am - Tom spends like fifteen minutes in the game room to work on his biceps. At 10am he springs up to get ready for work as a scientist in a...laboratory presumably? Good grief, knowing how easily Tom can be ordered around, his own lab rats can tell him to stuff it and Tom would gladly comply!
10:25am - Oh helloooooooo, who do we have here? The presence of a lovely maiden in the neighbourhood strolling past the house ignites Dan's senses. Like a wild animal driven only by a biological instinct to hunt for a partner before mating season abruptly ends, Dan immediately discards his bear suit in favour of the usual casual wear. This is a good idea. Wearing a red bear costume to meet up with a potential date would be one of the silliest things you could ever do unless it's a furries' convention.
And who is the lucky, gorgeous maiden destined to fall for Dan's natural, irresistible charms? Why, it's none other than Queen Brahne herself, the reigning monarch of Alexandria and known by many to be the brutal conqueror of entire kingdoms, the purveyor of genocides aplenty, and by Burmecians as the Slayer of Rats. For a mischievous criminal like Dan, the prospect of a loving relationship with the female equivalent of Genghis Khan leaves him palpably giddy. Think of everything they have in common. He does crime and she does war crimes! She is every bit the woman bigger in everything than he is, and what more can a modest man ask for than to be dominated?
The smitten Dan confidently crosses the lawn to meet with Brahne. Dan is so brimming with confidence that even Genghis Khan herself is mildly taken aback by how unabashedly straightforward the guy is in his desire to cradle her in bed later tonight dressed as a fluffy red bear. Having barely been initiated, the conversation quickly turns south and the awkwardness is so tangible that it mixes with the air and floats all the way to Olivia's workplace, because her comedy trait levels up during this torturous flirt scene. I have no doubt that Olivia is somehow watching Dan Casanova at work here and is currently raucously laughing with her colleagues. Poor Dan. He has to think of something quick to salvage this conversation, because he has now also heavily implied that Brahne's mother is a llama. I believe this is supposed to be a breathtakingly vile insult in Simsville, because Brahne appears taken aback, visibly insulted. To be honest, I would be insulted too if someone called me the daughter of a llama. I don't spit everywhere for one, which not only means I'm not a llama, but that I'm not a footballer either.
Somehow Dan reins in his idiocies and actually pursues a relatively normal conversation with Brahne, with pleasantries and even a series of overt flirty messages exchanged. Cupid seems to have other ideas and elects to abruptly flee from the scene, because Brahne suddenly remembers that she has several other engagements to attend to today - no doubt involving more annexations. She breaks the conversation up and leaves a forlorn Dan to quietly traipse across the lawn back into the house, now scarred by this tragic comedy of errors. Yes, suffice to say, it has not ended well. Frankly he should have put on his Speedos and performed an energetic dance number for her, because it surely cannot be any less effective than just now.
12:25pm - Putting on trousers is too much unnecessary hard work for Adriano. The wannabe mob boss finally rises from his bed to walk downstairs and prepare a brunch. He pops the grill on and presumably opts for a grilled sandwich. It's foolproof. Surely no possible disaster can arise from simply operating the grill, right?
THE GRILL IS ON FIRE AND SMOKE IS BILLOWING AROUND THE HOUSE, IGNITING THE FIRE ALARMS. A PANICKING MITSUKI AND DAN CHARGE INTO THE KITCHEN AREA TO GAZE UPON THE SHINING EMBERS, AGHAST AND PETRIFIED. APPARENTLY FIREFIGHTERS HAVE YET TO BE INVENTED IN THIS WORLD AND UNLESS ONE OF THEM THINKS FAST AND PROPOSES A SOLUTION, THIS INFERNO WILL QUICKLY TAKE HOLD, SUFFOCATE THE THREE OF THEM AND REDUCE THE HOUSE INTO A SMOULDERING COLLECTION OF INTRICATE, CHARRED MATCHSTICKS. UNFORTUNATELY, SIMPLY THROWING ADRIANO INTO THE FIRE TO APPEASE THE GOD OF FIRE AND COMPEL HIM TO SPARE THE HOUSE DOES NOT APPEAR TO BE AN OPTION, THOUGH IT IS TEMPTING TO SIMPLY THROW HIM INTO THE FIRE ANYWAY.
Preferring to avoid a grisly barbecued death, Adriano finally kicks his cognitive functions into working order and realises that a fire extinguisher would be very useful in order to actually extinguish a fire. He races out of the house, perplexing the viewers on the other side of the screen at first, because from their perspective, Adriano has simply legged it, never to return, never to take responsibility for his own stupidity, and willing to allow his two present housemates to die a smoky death. Alas, Adriano does have a shred of nobility and sense in him, for he promptly returns with the fire extinguisher and puts out the fire, instantly saving the entire household and dissipating the black smoke in an instant. How fortunate that nothing else in the house appears to be flammable. That probably just means the house is not biodegradable and therefore bad for the environment. Well done, everyone!
With the fire quelled, Mitsuki casually replaces the grill for a measly $1,300, because it's not like this household is expensive to maintain or anything. It's about time that everyone in the house chips in with the finances even if it means getting a job. In the meantime, Adriano turns the stove on and proceeds to cook the first meal of the day when really another housemate should tie him to the bench outside and ensure he never touches another kitchen appliance ever again. This is what happens when Kira, Olivia and Tom leave the house. Common sense leaves with them.
3:00pm - Kira and Olivia both return from work, none the wiser. I do wonder what their reactions would be if they come back to find a smouldering wreck. Olivia would probably still find a way to start a heated political debate with Kira on the street.
4:20pm - Feeling the pressure after $1,300 was spent to fix his own bizarre blunder earlier, Adriano finally channels effort into finding a job. Naturally, the wannabe mob boss finds a job as a criminal, which is appropriate as starting a grill fire was criminally stupid.
6:45pm - Speaking of criminals, Dan is given his marching orders for his first real crime gig. The game master orders him to leave the house and go start a street fight somewhere. Unfortunately for Dan, this is not his day. While firefighters do not appear to exist in Simsville, the police have been invented, and presumably he and his street fighting accomplices quickly find themselves nabbed by the rozzers. This is naturally what happens when you start a street fight. Things have a habit of escalating, especially if this is America and at this point Starbucks can start selling guns and I wouldn't bat an eyelid.
Shortly afterwards Tom returns home from a busy day of doing dubious science. Knowing him, he may have been working to genetically modify and create a brand new life form capable of more rolls per minute than Neymar. With all the science done for the day, Tom goes for a kip.
Olivia is also enjoying an evening snooze, but the game master demands entertainment. Olivia is unceremoniously woken up supposedly to use the bathroom, but her mood is now inconsolably angry. Not just any old angry. She is bloody livid. She is incandescent with rage. She sees red. There has to be a reasonable way to vent out this anger somehow, but rational thinking generally goes out through the window when you're overcome with unbridled fury. Instead of seeking some way to calm down, she marches downstairs with the express intent to confront Kira for...some reason. And boy, does she take it all out on Kira. The shouting match of the century is underway between the two women.
Of course the more hot-headed hotdog wins in the end and storms out of the house, leaving a poor, dejected Kira. There is no time to find a way to console Kira though, because Olivia has just marched outside to kick a trashcan over. Because when you're hotheaded, you need to take it out on the bins. It's not like the bins don't already have a rotten existence as the repositories of anything from burnt toast to Adam's vomit.
11:00pm - Kicking the poor trashcan and unloading all her anger into Kira for some reason hasn't helped. Olivia still feels discontent and frantically searches for a more constructive outlet to externalise what is left of her pent-up fury towards. Naturally she decides to channel her inner Bob Ross and take up the paintbrush in front of an empty canvass. And that is exactly what she does. The Human Hotdog proceeds to splash her paint haphazardly at a blank canvass, creating an abstract masterpiece that the real life Kira can only describe as a load of guts. That does sound like something a hotheaded Olivia would paint, which means she is nothing like Bob Ross. I'll tell you what Bob Ross would do. Bob Ross would calmly and gently paint one tree in the middle of a moor and then paint another, so the first tree receives a happy little friend and would never have to be alone. Gosh, I am welling up already just thinking about Bob Ross's paintings.
12:00am - ONCE AGAIN, TOM FINDS HIMSELF RUDELY EJECTED FROM THE KING-SIZED BED, only this time by Kira, who is probably still an inconsolable wreck after the bizarre row earlier with Olivia. Tom does not resist his umpteenth unceremonious removal from a room and returns downstairs to prepare yet another midnight snack. Fortunately for all of us, Tom is at least smart enough to avoid starting a fire.
12:30am - We close off the very first episode of FFF Sims Lifestream with an image that many viewers will find disturbing. We urge those with a weaker constitution to pry your eyes away from this thread immediately, especially if your stomach violently turns at the thought of cannibalism.
Yes, cannibalism. You have been warned.
Personally I find this image of the Human Hotdog chowing down on hotdogs to be disturbing not because of the debatable cannibalism on display here, but because the very thought of a single person enjoying six entire hotdogs with a liberal dollop of mustard at half past midnight on a weekday evening is downright disgusting. This woman is a lunatic and I actually wish she was caught up in the grill fire.
THAT'S ALL FOR NOW, FOLKS. BUT STAY TUNED. EPISODE 2 IS DUE SOMETIME SOON.
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this was such a fun read!
So much lols that moment.
