Serious Important things to discuss before deciding with a potential life partner

[Rydia]

Not sure if this is the right section for this but...

I am surprised at how many people that marry and did not even discuss some very important issues before hand.

What do you think is important to talk to your SO about before deciding to spend the rest of your life together?

Having kids. Needs to be discussed and agreed upon. I've see people divorce because one member wanted kids and the other didn't. This just seems like common sense.

Where to live. This one also surprises me. Husband eventually wants to move from Maine to California, but wife wants to always stay near family. They are both surprised years later in the marriage when they find this out. Do people not discuss their goals in life anymore?

Finances. Don't let your SO think that you have more or less money than you currently have! Just imagine the problems that could happen especially if your SO is under the impression that there is not much money. This happened with by brother in law and his wife. She thought they had much more money and would go out shopping. Her husband would tell her not to shop so much but never why. She was shocked to eventually find out how much debt they were in and that they were using revolving credit cards to pay off their house.

Pets. If you're and animal lover and want to own cats and dogs and among other animals. Don't marry someone who hates animals.

Holidays. Ah a big one. And causes so many fights when both sides of hte family is having a party at the same time. This acutally cause a little fight between me and John and we decided to alternate going to his family's house and my family's house each year. This wasn't a problem in the past because his family had always done Thanksgiving on Friday and not the day of.

Lifestyle. Want to live frugaly or live big? Seen this one cause big fights in married couples too.

 

[Valvalis]

This is an interesting discussion idea because it also brings into light the different issues with married vs. permanent significant other. Some people decide never to marry because they don't want to have a "big change" like that, but will stay with the same person in a relationship their whole life; others don't see marriage as changing anything except for legalities. A lot of people use marriage as the defining stage of "seriousness," but at some point there has to be a place where nonmarried people have these same sorts of issues, I would think

For discussion points, I would say children definitely, because that one's kind of obvious. So many people have children just because it's "the thing to do" and not because they actually want them--hell, many people need to discuss it with themselves more first, let alone with their significant others.

Pertinent diet trends are also a good one--i.e. if one's a vegan and the other loves raw meat, and it becomes an inconvenience for some reason for either one of them. Sometimes it doesn't matter, but if it's too ingrained in someone's lifestyle (i.e. someone who hunts/fishes for sport all the time and eats their catches, vs. a vegan farmer who raises a greenhouse in the backyard for food or something)--there could potentially be issues there.

Pets, for similar reasons to the children one, though they are by far much less of a hassle in most cases. Also, because some people have borderline allergies and may not want to deal with the annoyance forever, even if it's only a small one.

Religious/spiritual beliefs--Since it affects people's thinking about the next life, what to do in the case that reincarnation occurs, or whatever, this one's pretty important. If either person in the relationship is serious about such things, and does a lot of rituals/practices for it, then the other person may not be comfortable with that if they have a different belief system or just aren't very active in such things. Also, things like whether it's okay to date other people if something happens to one of them--something I've always wondered is if, supposing a person is widowed and then remarries, what happens in the next life (if there is one) when all the three people are together and meet? So those kinds of things need to be sorted out between couples as well if they're in it for the long haul.

Activism or intensive hobbies--if someone is a huge political activist, or has intensive hobbies that occupy tons of time, that's important to figure out ahead of time, because not everyone has the same interests or level of dedication to things.

Outdoor or indoor person--Because serious couples often take trips together, it's also important that you agree on what types of vacations and travelling you like. If a city person and a nature person get together, there's not a good chance of them wanting to take the same kinds of trips, and since vacations are rare for most people, you shouldn't have to compromise on things like that

 

[Mitsuki]

Oh jeez, I hear ya'. The one thing that really drives me nuts is the holidays. But I'll get back on that one.

Finances: We've never had any problems with each other when it came to this. We try to be frugal when we can, and although financial issues is common in relationships, we have never ever fought about it. Sure it stresses us out, but that's normal.

Kids: We both want kids and talked about it plenty of times back when we were still dating in high school. We are also on the same page when it comes to raising our daughter, so no problems with this at all.

Lifestyle: Again, we're on the same page with this. He doesn't like to go clubbing, and I've no desired to either. He doesn't drink or smoke, and neither do I. We both want to live comfortably, and we're not really that materialistic.

Pets: Okay, this can be a bit of a mild issue at times. He's a firm believer that dogs should stay inside the house and well, I'm not exactly too keen on that idea. My place has to be immaculate, meaning no fur on the couch or no poopy footprints from cats tracking all over my kitchen. We do have a dog but he's living with my father-in-law, and he pretty much stay outdoors, but then I see their glass sliding door and it horrifies me. Not looking forward to when my dog finally lives with us when we get our own place. I love him and all, but I also want cleanliness.

Living situation: Not really a problem. We both love California. I guess my biggest annoyance is having his sister live with us, but well, that can't be help right now. I just hope that when we do move again, she'll find her own place too. That and we live way too close from his dad and stepmom. Like, two minutes drive away. Sorta like "Everybody Loves Raymond" I guess; I want a bit of space sometimes.

And finally, holidays. Although he and I are actually understanding that we need to spend time with each other's family during the holidays when we can, I always hear something from his siblings, especially his sister living with us. "Why are you guys going to L.A. again?" Uh, because we have family there as well? She's never actually said something directly to me before, but she'll bug my husband about it constantly, knowing that I'm sitting there listening to her make a rude comment. When it comes to the holidays, we spend half the day with his family (since they live so close), and then later in the afternoon, we head to my family's for the night. I guess some people still have a problem with that, but whatever. It's none of their business.

I know a lot of couples will alternate spending time between family members each year, but this is something that I don't like to do. We've always made it work where we both make it to any family events / parties / holidays each year, and unless one family is living too far away from us to the point that it's impossible to visit, things stay the way they are. It just sucks when his siblings say something inconsiderate because I get so pissed off that it creates a tension between me and my husband for some reason. One thing is for sure - his sister seems to be the root of our petty fights a lot of the time.

 

[Bambi]

I guess it would just be kids and the financial side of things. Other than that, I'l just go with it and deal as and when they crop up, I dont think Id ever sit some one down and be like, right, we're moving in together we need to discuss pets and holidays. Id rather just tackle issues like that as and when they crop up

Kids however, dude needs to know I wont change my mind, so if he's hankerin for some sprogs down the line, will be really be able to handle that I vehemently refuse to ever have more? And no dear, I wont change my mind. Ever

You can't be bad with money and live with me. This is probably the biggie for me, moreso than the kids issue. If the washing machine breaks at the same time as the PS2. Don't you fucking DARE come home with a new console... and yes, that's happeneded and it was when they cost a lot more than they do now Like, if we are skint, don't be coming home with luxury items or going out, we knuckle down til we are past said skint wave. Bills ALWAYS have to be paid on time, none of this red letter lark or, 'il do it the morn'

Infact, just give me your share of the money and Il make sure everythings paid

Lol. Im a nightmare with money And despite my wave of mad spending recently, I manage it appallingly well. So if you are terrible with money and can't actually make it to next payday with out having a few quid left in your account. Well... words. We will be having them

There are other smaller issues, like my not really being a massive family person, so im not gunna constantly want to be calling round to see their fam/have them round here. Unless its someone like Andys mum, i liked going round there, we still talk now and we split up time ago xD

I don't mind the other drinking, as long as Im not expected to all the time, weekends for me and thats it. And even then I wont always bother if Im not off out (yes, i know this is a new thing, but kelly growed up since getting ill Im also aware Im hungover today <_<)

If you turn into a dick ed when you drink, well, id appreciate it if you didnt do it around me, or in the house, go unleash your idiocy in the pub, with your mates. But saying that, I wouldnt even entertain wanting to live with someone like that again, so I dont think we'd need to have this discussion

Im sure that if i was considering living with someone again, Id know him well enough and he wouldnt be a total wanker, so the only thing we wojuld really need to cover is the kids and money issue

edit* Going back to the money issue, if you have masses of debt, credit cards etc, i want it all clearing, or as good as before Id even entertain living with you. if its like, for a car or summat then fair enough, but not if you have 20 loans and credit cards and loads of shit on finance. Im not inheriting ANY ones debt when I have none of my own

 

[Dee]

1. Where you think you might want to go in life.
A good number of people have goals and they have plans. And if they're sticking to them, that might be something you wanna discuss before getting into anything serious (like marriage). Even if your SO doesn't intend to be so gung ho about following their supposed plan, it's a good idea to be on the same page.

2. Kids
Do you want em or not? Do you want them later? Do you want them now? Do you want them at all? Can you even stand the sight of one? Probably a good idea to discuss your stance on having or adopting kids (or not, for that matter).

3. Money
Either you have it or you don't. Either you're working for it or you're not. In any case, if you would like to have money of your own, you should let your significant other know. It's not a bad idea to have some cash stashed away that is yours and only yours. Also, things like bills, taxes, rent, loans, all that good stuff. Figure out a plan before you combine your lives to make moving forward a little easier.

4. Family
You're lucky if you get along with your significant other's family, but if you don't, it's also important to include them if they're either not aware or assuming it's just something that happens.

5. Hobbies
So you don't really need to do every little thing that your partner does, or be interested in the exact same things, but it's important, I think, to have a respect and understanding (unless it is potentially harmful). For instance, my older brother who split from his girlfriend of three years eventually grew apart and she turned to working out and partying. Now, my brother is a DJ so he's at the club at least once or twice a week because that's how he makes extra money. When they weren't communicating, her answer for everything eventually became to rely on working out, at least three hours a day. It was a hobby of hers before, but it just became too much. He used to say little things, little comments as well which sort of irked her but she kept quiet. Bottom line is, at least respect what your significant other finds interesting.

6. Communication
I think this is key here. Lots of people get into marriages or life partnerships and end up fudging one of the most important aspects of a relationship. Some people don't like to communicate, some people do. There needs to be a balance, however; a little bit of give and take. Because if communication is not happening, then all of the above issues are going to get lost in translation.

 

[Kandy-Sugar]

I honestly don't understand how people can get married within the year of meeting their significant other. I mean how could you possibly get to know them and sort out all the things you want in life before making one of the biggest decisions of your life?

I know someone who just got engaged this year and they've only been together a few months and are getting married next year before Steve and I. =/

Steve and I have been together for three and a half years and only just got engaged and then we're still not getting married for ages yet.

Stupid people are stupid. <_<

Anyway the key things that I think everyone has to talk about before settling down with each other are:

1. Steady Income.
2. Religion.
3. Wanting children.
4. Lifestyle.
5. Owning your own house.
6. Pets.
7. Hobbies.
8. Holidays.
   

1. Steady Income: Steve and I earn about the same even though we're in different careers. Never really have any issues other than I would like to save more. We can always pay our bills and spend money on things we want and go out etc. But I do like to know that we have a bit stashed away in case of emergency, which we do. But I would like more. >.<

2. Religion: This is fine with us. Steve used to be a Jehovah's witness but said that he'd stopped about six years before he even met me and says he won't ever go back. He's changed too much. So it works out great for us. We're both non-religious people and that's how I'd like it to remain and I'm sure it will.

3. Wanting Children: This one for us isn't so set at the moment. Currently we both think that now is definitely not the time for us. Though we're keeping an open mind. We would love kids if we did have them, but we also want our own life first. So we've decided that we will wait until our thirties and more than likely will only have one.

4. Lifestyle: We live pretty peacefully. We go out together and entertain ourselves every now and then but most of the time we just like to sit in and be with each other watching a movie or playing a board game with a few drinks. <3 The only thing that we're both a bit annoyed with is his smoking. I don't like it, he doesn't like it but he's addicted unfortunately. We've tried everything we know of to help him quit but yeah. =/ We won't be going anywhere near a house mortgage until he's got out of that habit.

5. Owning your own house: We both want our own house. It will happen one day after all our bills have been paid off. So there's no arguing there about one of us not wanting to spend the money on our own house while the other wants to just rent. It works out nicely.

We're renting at the moment and we're both fine with that until we have our own place. We've constantly spoken about where we want to live and it's in the same sort of area we're in now, though I wouldn't care if he wanted to move to an entirely different state if he wanted to. I've always wanted to leave QLD and experience life somewhere else, but it's not that important to me if it doesn't happen. So I'm up for anything. =)

6. Pets: We only have fish at the moment which is totally fine. They don't make a mess, ruin our house or anything.
When we do eventually get our own house and are a bit older we would like to get a dog or two though. On the same page with what kind of dogs we want too. XD

7. Hobbies: We're both pretty outdoorsy sort of people when it comes to certain things. We like fishing, going to theme parks etc.
Though we're also on the same page when it comes to holidaying. We prefer a nice hotel over camping. >.< Camping is good fun when you're a kid but I like to have my own shower and such now that I'm older and our privacy. XD

8. Holidays: Not an issue. Steve's parents are Jahovis Witness's so they don't celebrate anything anyway. We just go to my families every year.

 

[blakstang98]

Children - Naturally, if a person wants kids and the other doesn't, then there poses a big issue. There really isn't any compromise to this, either you want them or you don't. But keep in mind that if the couple is younger, then the thought of not wanting to have children or not can change over time. We're on the same page on this topic, so I have no issue there.

Life activities - I guess this can be looked at a few different ways. Just general activities that a couple can go out and do. If one is more of the outgoing type and the other is a homebody, then there will be this conflict of what to do or where to go. I've experienced this before, and it was annoying. Thankfully not the case now. Though this is something that compromise can be made for, just because sometimes someone has to gain some comfort and crawl out of their shell a bit. But both people keeping their feelings on activities the same without wanting to compromise will hurt the relationship in the long run.

Politics - Politics should never be a factor in a relationship, but some people make it a factor. Honestly, I'm not much of a political person, even if my posting habits say otherwise. I'm also not a hardcore right-winger as a come off to look, I just have to counterpoint a forum that consists of 98% liberals. But some make it to be enough of an issue to start unnecessary arguements, which can ultimately make a relationship die in a fire.

Religion - Like politics, should never be a factor in a relationship, unless consideration of how to marry comes into play. I'm not a religious person at all. I'm so indifferent towards the subject that I don't classify myself as one religion or another, I just prefer to sidestep the conversation. But some can be hardcore about religion and force it into a relationship, which shouldn't determine your love for a person. I've experienced others trying to incorporate religion into my relationship, and I stood my ground. If I love her, it's not for religion, but personality and other things.

Steady sex life - Now, the title might seem superficial, so let me explain myself. I think sex should be something that is wanted in a relationship, as opposed to going through the motions for the sake of having sex. I also believe that some sex should be had. I'm not saying everyday, or even every week, but enough to keep the passion alive. I mean, if you can't be intimate with your partner, then it'll be hard to express your true feelings to them.


I mentioned politics and religion for this, even though I don't see them as topics that should be an issue, mainly because they both tend to be strong topics in relationships. Loving someone for who they are instead of judging them for their views on various topics is the best outlook. I wouldn't love for political, religious, financial or pet thoughts, but about how I feel with the person and how they make me feel when I'm with them.

 

[Jquestionmark]

Kandy-Sugar, I completely agree with your concern over people marrying too quickly. My wife and I were only together for a few months before we got engaged, but waited a full two years (and were living together during it to make sure we could stand each other that much) before getting married. I've had a few friends rush into marriages, and seen all of them fail pretty spectacularly (the big one being gamers marrying non-gamers, the non-gamer seems to always assume they'll grow out of it once they get married...).

Being married, I've already had the discussion, so I'll give the rundown on what we discussed before we tied the knot:

1. Children - It's important to come to agreement on if you both want children, how many, when, etc. I have a good friend who was able to convince his SO to compromise (he wound up changing his mind anyways, and they'll have a kid come March), but that's pretty rare. You can't go into marriage expecting totally different outcomes - if one of you really wants kids and the other is fully opposed hard times are ahead.

2. Home-ownership - My wife and I were gung-ho about getting a house, so this wasn't a big deal for us. There is a very big difference between condos and houses, and it's important to be on the same page as far as where you want to ultimately end up.

2.5 Location - Where you settle down is kind of joined in my mind with the house thing, but it's worth mentioning. Some people love the mountains, some love the desert, some love the ocean shore. Some locations give you a two for one, but if you both want to live in different places, it makes it hard to be together.

3. Finances - A good friend once told me that two things can ruin any relationship - money and sex. Money can be handled any way, so long as it's agreed upon. Some people like having separate accounts and paying bills half and half, others enjoy joint accounts for everything (must make buying gifts difficult), and others like a combo of the two. Doesn't matter which, as long as you work it out in advance.

4. Religion - You don't have to be the same for things to work out (though it's highly recommended, especially if one of you has a very zealous family), but I mention this in regards to children. Which religion, if any, you want to raise your kids with will be a deal breaker far quicker than personal discrepancies. You can work out differences between each other, but when it comes to deciding how the kid will be taught, it's best to sort that out well in advance.

Things that didn't come up directly in conversation, but we made sure that we were compatible on:

5. Gaming - I've mentioned this already, but it's important to re-address. Fun tip for non-gamers(none of the people reading this, most likely): do not expect a gamer to stop playing because they put a ring on your finger. Fun tip for gamers: If your SO is a non-gamer, make sure they really and truly understand that it's something you enjoy, and they shouldn't expect you to change a major hobby for them. It's unfair of them to ask, and it's something you should never be forced to do. I've seen some giant arguments on this one, and I don't want to hear about more. It seems like a little thing to many, but gaming is a major hobby, and forcing people to shelve something they truly enjoy is an awesome way to create epic resentment.

6. Diet - Not likely you'll make it past dating without figuring out, but worth noting. Obviously, tofu eaters and meat eaters will have to find a way to make meals work for both, but it's not a deal breaker (unless you're with a vegetarian that doesn't eat meat on humanitarian grounds - can be a bit more trouble).

7. Pets - Like kids, they are everywhere, all the time, and wrecking your stuff. They will break/ruin things, so non-pet owners should think about what they're getting into.

8. Interests - Similar to the gaming thing, but more general. You do want something to talk to your SO about, right? People with totally different interests can work out fine, but it certainly takes more effort just to have a conversation topic.

9. Sex-drive - As previously mentioned, this or money can ruin any relationship. Make sure you're looking at the same level of drive, because sexual tension/frustration can drive you insane. Having matching kinks/fetishes is very important too. I have a pair of friends that are engaged, and one is very missionary-style/simple/low-drive, and the other is into all sorts of stuff/crazy/high-drive. It's not causing huge issues yet, but it's easy to tell that one of them is getting very frustrated in the current situation. Sex can be a deal breaker, so please please please make sure you're compatible before you tie the knot.

 

[Sum1sgruj]

I honestly don't understand how people can get married within the year of meeting their significant other.

I don't think that time has too, too much to do with the outcome of marriage. If two people are not compatible, marriage will not succeed no matter how long the preliminaries are. Sure, getting married in less than a few months is absurd, but the only thing that needs being is substantial income between the couple.
The rest is made by the initial bonding to begin with.

That being so, I say only one thing is needed,, as with everything else in the world:
Money

 

[Kandy-Sugar]

Kandy-Sugar, I completely agree with your concern over people marrying too quickly. My wife and I were only together for a few months before we got engaged, but waited a full two years (and were living together during it to make sure we could stand each other that much) before getting married. I've had a few friends rush into marriages, and seen all of them fail pretty spectacularly (the big one being gamers marrying non-gamers, the non-gamer seems to always assume they'll grow out of it once they get married...).

This is something that all people should do in my opinion. Glad to see that you're one of the smart ones. XD

People don't realise how much they don't really know their partners until they actually live with them. You need to make a groove in that area of your life together before getting married in my opinion.

That way marriage is less of a shock and more of a celebration and formality at that point. Not so much a 'WOW! BIG CHANGE!'

I don't think that time has too, too much to do with the outcome of marriage. If two people are not compatible, marriage will not succeed no matter how long the preliminaries are.

A substantial amount of time is definitely needed, but yes it doesn't always have much to do with the outcome of marriage as people do tend to change over time. It does always help to give yourself at least a good four years before making such a committment though.

Steve and I are actually giving ourselves 10 years from the date of meeting/being together until the date we actually get married. Another six years to go. XD

When people first get together, they are still in that, 'Oh I have a boyfriend/girlfriend' stage and are very careful about what they do around their SO.

So getting engaged/married that quickly is not a good idea.

Give them a few more months and their little quirks and such will start to come out, but not fully until you move in with them.

People can hide things they don't want their SO to see because they'll only be with them a few times during the week while they're living seperately.

Then they get engaged and then married and then move in together and then, 'OMG now that we're married everything has gone to shit!'

Not always, but in most situations that I've seen this has been the case.

What the couple fails to realise is that marriage is not the problem here. It's the way they went about it. If they had of gotten to know each other first, moved in with each other (which all takes a great deal of time) and then got married, they wouldn't have this problem.

I see too many people saying, 'As soon as we got married it went to shit.'
It's not the fact you got married, it's the fact that you moved into together once you were married and you had no idea that your new husband/wife was so feral, annoying, etc. =/