Polyamory?

[AddleBoy]

So, I've been reading a couple articles and listening to a few podcasts about polyamory for a while now. For those of you who don't know, here's wiki's definition of polyamory; a definition I agree with:

Polyamory is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. It is distinct from swinging (which emphasizes sex with others as merely recreational).

The idea sounded very interesting to me because I don't think I believe in people having one true soul mate or one true love. I believe that people can be compatible with more than just one people. I understand that this doesn't work for everyone, and that there are people who prefer to be monogamous (probably the majority of people). I've been in a couple of monogamous relationships myself, but this is the first time I've potentially become part of a polyamorous one.

A few of you have probably heard me bitching in the shoutbox about a girl I like recently. This girl and I have been good friends for about 4 years. We've both been in relationships with other people throughout most of that time, but I also just found out that we both were into each other during this time, too. However, she moved to another state a year ago and got another boyfriend. She came back home for winter break recently and we've reconnected a bit.

She confessed to me that she and her boyfriend are in an open relationship, and that they can have sex with other people on three conditions:

1. It's with someone the boyfriend doesn't know. (I've never met the guy.)

2. She tells him about it. It turns out that the boyfriend gets off on it, too. It's a fetish called cuckolding where a person is turned on by their partner having sex with another person. I find it interesting.

3. He's the one at the top of the 'relationship hierarchy' so to speak.

I've agreed to these terms (I'm a little sad that I can't be her most important relationship, though), so now I'm in sort of a friends with benefits situation. The only problem is that we can't find anywhere to be alone. She's stay with her parents, and I'm staying with my parents, and we seem to always be hanging out with her sister and her sister's boyfriend (who are both friends of mine). My friend doesn't want her family to find out about it because they're rather traditional, and wouldn't understand. I only have a week with her before she goes back out of state to college. It's really frustrating.

But, I really just wanted to hear your opinions about polyamory vs. monogamy. If there's anything you don't understand about it, do you have any questions? Do you think a relationship like this could actually work? Polyamory can come in many forms with different terms of engagement, so there may be misconceptions about what it means to be polyamorous.

 

[Orlandu]

I think this practice is fine its very old fashion to be ruled by word of others on how relationships work, like you said people are different, it works for some but not others so don't pass judgement (whoever disagrees) on something if its new to you.

I take part in this but am asexual so I refrain from sex most of the time because its not my goal 100%, in the end I want a relationship with a network of people who are all types (more helpful in my opinion); if I were to have a child by someone in my network of relationships I will be there in an instant to try my best at raising the child (my only view in which monogamy is right) with that person without leaving.

As for your situation my suggestion is to rent a hotel (at least shell out some cash and get a nice one I usually drop around 100$ on a regular one night hotel visit) tis all I'm saying ! *thumbs up to you my friend and may the force be with you*

 

[Sheechiibii]

Some people like monogamy, some people like polyamory. There's no right or wrong as long as everything is safe and consensual. People like different things and I think everyone should be the person they want to be, and be with the people/person they want to be with in the way that makes them happiest. Polyamory can definitely work and people in polyamorous relationships can be just as happy as people in monogamous relationships I'm sure.

 

[Toshiya]

I told you I'd actually give you a full post so here ya go :dave:

I don't get this concept myself. I'm not a buyer into the whole 'one true love' theory, I believe you can love more than one person - but at different times. If you're polyamorous then I think, personally, that you're still going to love one person more intensely than the other so I don't think polyamory ultimately is a good idea. But you know - each to their own, if you find you can love more than one person at the same time then I guess it's possible.

For me, if I was with someone I know I wouldn't be able to stand the idea of him going and sleeping with someone else. If I was with someone and they told me they loved me, but they also loved someone else, the only thing I'd be able to think is 'why do they love someone else to? don't they love me enough?'
Maybe it's just because we live in a world where having one partner at a time is the norm and that's why I think it's such a strange concept but I just can't see polyamorous relationships working out.

In your individual case, Addle, it doesn't sound to me like you're ultimately going to be happy in the situation you've agreed to be in. Not least because you've already said you want to be her primary love - you're already jealous of her current partner and from the sounds of it she's not going to break up with him in a hurry. It seems to me like if you start a relationship with her, you're going to eventually want her all to yourself as your feelings get stronger and then it won't end well.
Those are just my thoughts.

 

[Ilyena]

I think relationships are entirely dependent on the people involved so right vs. wrong can be different for each relationship. People should do what's right for themselves and their partner and not worry too much about what other people feel they should do. Obviously if one person wants to be polyamorous and the other person wants to be monagamous, it isn't going to work out. If the partners have an understanding or open relationship and are aware that their partner will be seeing and sleeping with other people, I don't see an issue with it if it works for them.

My friend was actually in an open relationship with her current boyfriend for a while. They had certain rules like no oral sex except with each other and some other stuff and while it isn't something that I would consider, it worked for them.

To add to what Charlotte said above though, at some point her boyfriend did eventually get jealous of the other guy so I guess it wasn't as great as they thought it would be. I suppose it can work with some people though.

 

[Shenorai]

Personally, I'm fairly certain that it's difficult to successfully pull off true polyamory in this day and age. Not because of legal issues which is a completely different animal, but simply because there are so many untrusting people who throw themselves into a relationship and want to be able to say, "This person is MINE. No one else can have him/her!"

That mentality becomes a trigger to a rough relationship simply because the 'victim' half of such a pairing is treated more like an object to be owned out in public eye rather than a person who is loved. A trophy to show off. But that's another matter.

Finding people in this day and age who are okay with being in a relationship with multiple people, sure that can be common in itself. Some people keep their relationship open for the sake of the thrill, but I don't see the intimacy in that. Yet having a relationship with multiple people where not only does everyone know who is involved, but they are completely fine with what goes on between each member?

If you are able to pull that off, you're one lucky sonuva bitch.

 

[Master Cat]

I apologize in advance if I'm sorta echoing what's already been said. To each their own, but I'm also pretty skeptical on how successful this sort of relationship would turn out. I feel like someone who decides to participate in this would end up holding back a lot of their true feelings for fear of seeming like a "cop out" or like they can't handle the terms of agreement. Seems more like a business deal than a relationship to me. And I especially don't like the idea of there being a sort of hierarchy where one person is apparently loved the most, meanwhile everyone else has to accept their position as a "less significant" partner.

It's almost like when I watch the Sister Wives and I feel like the first wife is getting the short end of the stick since the husband keeps finding more and more wives. But obviously these are very different types of relationships where they actually are aware of one another's presence and there's no anonymity with that...

I do believe that it is possible to like more than one person at a time and to even have strong feelings for someone who isn't your significant other. Sometimes these aren't fleeting feelings, but they persist over a long period during your actual relationship (I'm obviously speaking from personal experience). But I couldn't imagine being in multiple relationships at once and being able to invest a fair amount of attention and intimacy in each one. And I would hate to feel like I have to place one person over another in a romantic relationship.

I suppose my main issue is that of commitment. Having a mutual commitment with one other person would make me feel more special than having multiple entanglements of less committed relationships. But I think I have a bit of a possessive personality and I do get jealous from time to time, so I would obviously be incompatible with the nature of amorous relationships. xD

Is monogamy the norm? I suppose it is. But it's often short-lived, terminal monogamy, where people break up and find new partners, and the cycle continues on. It's not necessarily "one true love" or "soulmate" like what little girls used to read in fairytales. Or people just "play the field" so to speak and don't commit to any particular person. I think there's a growing number of these types of "relationships" nowadays, if you can even call them that.

 

[Sheechiibii]

A few people have mentioned that over time someone may become jealous or try to hide their 'true feelings' if this is the case then that person is likely not suited to polyamory in the first place. People who are suited to polyamory can and do pull it off well, but many people make the mistake of thinking they can be polyamorous when that's not what they need in a relationship, and that just leads to heartache.

 

[Donald Trump]

What I want to know is, is polyamory cheating?

As for whether it works or not, what I would say that monogamy doesn't work out particularly well. Divorce rates are around, possibly above 50% and that's just marriage. Most people have numerous monogamous relationships that don't work out.

I don't like to offer advice, but if I were you, I would hit that. You may not be her 'primary lover' but secondary seems better than none at all.

 

[Mighty_Bazooka]

Is monogamy the norm? I suppose it is. But it's often short-lived, terminal monogamy, where people break up and find new partners, and the cycle continues on. It's not necessarily "one true love" or "soulmate" like what little girls used to read in fairytales. Or people just "play the field" so to speak and don't commit to any particular person. I think there's a growing number of these types of "relationships" nowadays, if you can even call them that.

As for whether it works or not, what I would say that monogamy doesn't work out particularly well. Divorce rates are around, possibly above 50% and that's just marriage. Most people have numerous monogamous relationships that don't work out.

To be honest, I've always thought it kind of funny that we adhere so closely to monogamy, not just because of these reasons, but because polyamory and in fact polygamy have been around for much of human history, and in some cultures and societies it's even been the norm. From my point of view, there are many different people in the world, many different relationships to be had, and many kinds of love can develop, so I can actually see where polyamory would make more sense. All parties involved are consenting adults, and if you find polyamory makes you more happy than monogamy, then I don't see why it's so bad.
That being said, I have to agree with Toshiya, you sound pretty unsure, so I'd be careful - especially since she's got a life in a separate location from where you are now. Also, her boyfriend's rules make it pretty clear to me that he's not open to the idea of her having other lovers so much as he is kind of giving her a free pass. I daresay if it weren't for his fetish, he would probably feel very differently... Ah, hope you don't mind my conjecture! Just be careful, tread lightly is what I'm saying. ^^;

 

[Sheechiibii]

Poyamory is not cheating, as long as everyone in the relationship knows and is fine with what is going on. Cheating is going outside of the boundaries of the relationship. If you're in a poly relationship and the agreement is that you'll only sleep with others who your primary lover has met and given permission for, and you go with someone they haven't met and given permission for, then that would be cheating. It all depends on what the boundaries are in that particular relationship.

Polyamory is good for those who are suited for it. But if you're the type of person more suited to Monogamy you should be careful because it would be easy to get hurt in a situation like this. From you're OP it sounds like maybe poly isn't right for you. Feeling sad that you won't be her primary lover indicates some jealousy and possessiveness (not necessarily bad, but they hint you may be monogamous).