Original School Essay

GFX Guilder

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I had to write a real life story about being brave and this is what I wrote.

I am a very brave person. There was a time when a dangerous person was looking for an object of mass power and I stopped him, let me expand on this story of good against evil. “Communication with the west coast has been lost, no one over there has answered a phone in a week”, a television news reporter said, while on the six’o clock news. “A helicopter recently flew over Sacramento, California and took a picture of what seems like a man on steroids, more info to come later”. “Hey Troy, that story on the news sounds crazy”, a Hispanic boy with short hair said. “I guess, I don’t really care”, the boy named Troy replied. “Let’s go to the museum and check out the new crystal section”. Troy and his friend left the house. After walking a few blocks they see the museum and go in. “Jake, it is this way”, Troy says as he points to a hallway with a bright light at the end. They make their way down the hallway and see that the light is coming from behind a locked door and a see through window next to the door. “The sign says that they are radiating some kind of newly discovered crystal”, Jake says as he points to the sign next to the door. Troy notices that as the museum staff is cutting the crystal, a shard flies under the door and lands right in front of Troy. He kneels down, picks it up, and faints. Jake calls the ambulance and they eventually arrive and take him to the hospital. “We can’t find anything wrong with him”, the doctor says as Troy starts to regain consciousness. After the doctor explained what happened to Troy, he told Troy that he could leave. As Troy walked home, he took a step and looked down. He was about to step in a puddle. A split second before he stepped in it, he noticed that everything had stopped moving! “What!” he said as he kept walking. The next day at school Troy tried to think of a logical reason of the time stopping. As he was walking to class, someone bumped him into the wall. When he hit the wall, he actually broke the bricks! As Troy was sitting in his second period English class, he felt the ground shake. All the kids started evacuating the buildings as the shaking got worse. He saw something in the corner of his eye, so he started thinking back to when time stopped. The more he thought about it, the slower time got until it was at a complete halt! He looked at the object that was flying and it was a man that looked like the one described in the news. “It looks like I can control time and this looks like the person responsible for communication with the west coast being lost.” Troy said as he got closer to the man. All of a sudden, the man started to move, even though time was stopped! “You’re going to pay for that,” the man said as he made his way to Troy. “I am Ving, the most powerful person in the universe and I am in search of a rare crystal with mystical powers”. Troy knew exactly how he got his powers, it was from the crystal shard! Ving came flying at Troy, as he went in to punch, Troy dodged and actually punched him back. His punch sent Ving flying, he must have super strength and that would explain why the bricks broke. Ving came back, grabbed Troy by the face, and smashed him into the math building. Troy got out of the building and ran after Ving. He caught up with Ving and threw a tree at him. “I can’t let this freak get that crystal.” Troy thought. Ving was hit, but didn’t stop to fight Troy. Troy noticed that Ving was flying towards the museum and he ran as fast as he could to stop Ving from getting the crystal. Troy threw some more trees at him which sent Ving flying into the museum. Ving got up and threw a wall at Troy, which knocked him out. After Troy regained consciousness, he saw Ving had found the crystal. “There is only one way to stop this monster,” Troy said as he raced towards the crystal. Troy grabbed the crystal from Ving and held it above his head. Troy expected the crystal to give him more power, but instead it seemed like it was taking away his powers! With his last bit of strength, he took the crystal and stabbed Ving with it. Ving laid there while his powers were being sucked away. “Your rampage is over,” says Troy. That is how I showed bravery.
 
...Alright, I'm really sorry, but I have to put on my asshole-critiquer hat for this. If it helps you get so much as a B, then I won't care how much you hate me.

For starters, this doesn't illustrate what is being asked. You were asked to provide a real life story, not a piece of fiction. Right away, while your imagination is good, you aren't following directions and it warrants an automatic fail.

Secondly, the grammar here is atrocious. My editting hand is going through a seizure, just so that I can eliminate all the run-on sentences and other grammatical beasties that are infesting this work. For the love of all that is good and grammatically correct, proofread your work before submitting it. While Spellcheck is not something that you should rely on significantly, it will give you an idea of what you have to fix. And believe me, there's a lot of fixing to do here.

Now I'm going to address the storyline. Absolute bollocks. I'm sorry, I hate being an asshole, but it is. Kid gets super powers and saves the world is far too cliche nowadays. There are things that deaden it, such as in that Ben 10 show where the storyline itself is original, but the general overview is a cliche: kid gets powers, beats up bad guys, saves the world. Really unoriginal.

Look, I'm really sorry about being an ass like this. But, if it gets your head in the game and gives you so much as a C on this assignment, I won't give three shits if you hate my guts. This is one of those things where I look at your age, then I look at your story, and I do a double take. 16, and doing this stuff? Sorry, but this is 8-year old stuff, not even worthy of a ten-year old.

Like I said, sorry. But, if it wakes you up, then all my assholeness will be worth it.
 
Christ dont be so harsh, it may be truthful but it was said in the completely wrong way. Give a shit. Lack of compassion destroys you :P

Ok, i cant be bothered outlining the good stuff- You need to work on:

- Grammer
- Paragraphing please
- You were asked to write true life story, in the actual exam the least they'de do is bring you down a grade but the marker is more than liable to fail you altogether coz that not what your SUPPOSED to do...silly writer :P
- You could go into more detail at certain point, eg decribe surrounding (The sky had is usual azure glow under the summer sun)
- Could be slighly more lengthy for a class essay
- Better vocabulary quality
- Link some of your sentences together...some are to short and sharp e.g "I am a very brave person" could be fixed to "I am braver than I look, but then again- looks can be decieving."

Most you'de get...General Pass in Scotland which works out to be B/C in England.

I advise reading books more to extend your grammer and vocabulary. Lord of the Rings is great me thinks personally
 
A story should have a cleat beginning, and an end. Your story has neither. You can embellish the truth a little, but writing about a guy on steroids is just lulz-worthy. This may sound cynical, but writing about being emotionally brave rather than physically brave will get you higher marks. Saying something like "I told my father that he had to stop drinking because he was ruining his life" etc. Will score much higher than "Ving came flying at Troy, as he went in to punch, Troy dodged and actually punched him back".

Also read some proper novels rather than a fantasy story about elves and witches. Something like A cather in the Rye, or Crime and Punishment.
 
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