Poetry A Hollowed Truth(working title)

[Sexy Beast]

A Hollowed Truth

You’re going to feel this feeling I’m feeling.
It’s not based off of the things I’ve done,
But the person you’ve become.
The bridge of your lies is lowering to the sorrow of my castle.
I’m ready to confess how much you truly hurt me.

My eyes are full of deceit,
And my heart has met defeat.
The emotional ties that once kept me attached to you will meet,
For the last time because the last goodbye will be my treat.
And then your eyes will become the new home of my deceit.

So here it is, please bare with me on this one.
You’re a horrible person because of the things you’ve done.
I know you didn’t want this to happen,
But as you can see, I have won.
Save your self-pity for someone who cares --
Because I don’t.
Hit your ass on the way out or not, I don’t care --
I just don’t give a fuck.​

As a side note, I wasn't really worried about grammar for this, and yes this is indeed a rough draft, but hey when I write up new stuff, I want to share it for the sake of getting different opinions.

 

[nomad]

This is a bitter poem. The speaker has been hurt in some way by the addressee, it seems, repeatedly. Now the speaker is vowing that this is the end and blames the addressee for pretty much everything.

Some of the sentences don't come together grammatically, and even though you disclaimed that grammar wasn't on your mind, it makes understanding the message difficult. For example, I have no idea what you're saying with:

The emotional ties that once kept me attached to you will meet,
For the last time because the last goodbye will be my treat.

Maybe there isn't supposed to be a comma after "meet," but then again, "meeting" isn't something that "ties" do. So perhaps you were forcing that word in there just to rhyme. Rhyming is great, but unless there's a reason for the word to be there, you should try to think of something else or change the rhyme completely. So it just needs a little more polish in places like that.

I think the phrase "the last goodbye will be my treat" is excellent, by the way.

Bitterness in poems usually rubs me the wrong way. The poet should be able to constrain the bitterness enough to make an interesting statement about the situation. Read "A Ramble in St. James Park" by the Earl of Rochester if you want to see how bitterness can be used to great effect in poetry. He's very vulgar but extremely clever. You can tell he's mastered his emotions to write a more effective, but still very bitter, poem.