Asexuality and Faithfulness

[Smiley]

I'm coming to terms with something that is scaring me, yet feels unbelievably right at the same time: I'm asexual.
I don't have any (if at all) sexual attraction and I dont really regard it highly, if I regard it at all. To a lot of people that's really strange.

I recently saw someone anonymously confess on my university's Facebook page that they were looking for a relationship even though they were asexual, and this was a response:

"So as a point of academic curiosity, would you be upset if this hypothetical boyfriend wanted to have sex with other people?"

It got me thinking. Sleeping with someone else when you're in a relationship is cheating no matter what. If I were in a relationship with someone, I'd want him to respect that I dont really enjoy...that. I'd love him in every other sense of the word...just not like that.

My apologies. I'm rambling.
But I have a question for you all anyway:
If you were in a relationship with someone who was asexual, or just had very little sexual desire, would you be able to stay faithful?

Consider everything else they are willing to do for you. If they loved you to bits, would you stay faithful, knowing that sex is pretty much off the table?

This question is more out of curiosity than anything. I am worried about my future relationships as an ace, but that's not important here. I would just like your opinion.

 

[Bambi]

Uhm. Tbh, sex is an important part of my relationship. If it were off the cards from the start, I just wouldn't be able to get involved in the first place.

I know you don't start dating somneone and be all like OH HEY, I don't do the whole sex thing, but it would come up real quick I imagine and for me, no matter how much I like the person, it would be a deal breaker. It is on par with they want kids but I don't, for me. Sexual compatibility is important.

 

[iSmiff]

It's easy to say yes but harder to actually comit to that as a sexual person who has needs and desires that aren't being met by the person they love. Whether they consciously seek it or they just happen to stumble across it; I think a lot of people would probably cheat. There's probably a lot of people in a similar boat so it's just a case of finding the person who is similar to you in that respect that you still get on with.

It wouldn't be taboo to end a relationship over something like having kids or wanting kids like Bambi said, so to be honest I'm not sure I'd comitt to the relationship in the first place, it would be far too frustrating (for both of us, probably). Being in a long distance relationship is the only personal comparison I can draw; I don't struggle remaining faithful but that's probably because I knew when we next saw each other we'd probably be having sex, if she was asexual I'm not sure if it would have been that easy.

 

[Saints&Storms]

Well, as an asexual my self, I find no importance of sex and I have no desire for it, and never have -- now, maybe I haven't found the one, but I'm certain that I know that I am asexual. All of this considered, even if I wasn't, I would respect my partners wishes and I certainly would not cheat either, I'd be fine with their feelings and I'd respect them and that. I think there is more to a relationship than sex, and those things beside it are far more important and of far better substance, but maybe that's just me...

People I know try and convince me that that's all there is to relationships, but everyone's different y'know? I think it's a matter of any one persona priorities, it's up to what they let me more important, I guess.

 

[Cardinal Copia]

TBH if I really liked somebody in a relationship type way and they said they were Asexual and didn't desire sex, I don't think I could be with them. While sex certainly isn't everything in a relationship it certainly is a big part of it. I couldn't stay with them, then cheat on them with somebody else just for the sake of wanting to have sex. Cheating on somebody is fucked up and the ultimate sign of disrespect IMO.
I'd still wanna be friends and talk and have them in my life. But as far as a relationship more than friends? I couldn't do it.

 

[Nicus]

I'm not really sure how to answer this question... I think I'm going to have to claim a little ignorance here because I really don't have enough information on how an Asexual person feels about sex but I'd really like to understand. Is sex just not desirable or is it something that is seen as "nasty". If it is seen as "nasty", then I'm not sure if I would be able to carry on the relationship because to me sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship but it is important to me as a bonding tool, stress reliever and a way to feel a heightened connection to the person that I love (not to mention really really fun... bouncy, bouncy.. haha *cough... uh hurrrrmmm). On the other hand, if it is seen as undesirable or just not something that holds much interest then I think the relationship could work depending on how strong the communication, love, and want to be with each other are. In every relationship there are good's and bad's, do's and don'ts, up's and down's, and most importantly give's and take's. Despite being Asexual or Sexual, the need for wanting the person you Love to be happy and fulfilled should be very important to you.

The average couple from around the world (from a study conducted by men's health) sexual session usually lasts 14 mins on average and usually occurs 2 to 3 times per week. Now back to the give's and take's. If sex is something that isn't desired or just not thought about in a relationship for you, then some sort of compromise must be made if you are in a serious, loving relationship with a non-asexual partner and you both want to be in it for the "long haul" and understand that a sacrifice is being made on the sexual persons behalf in order to try to make the relationship work. With that being said, if you are Asexual and want to keep your "other half" happy and fulfilled, then a sacrifice should be made on your part as well in the compromise. You wouldn't have to keep with the average frequency of sex but the needs and wants of your partner should be important to you and taken into consideration in this also and be understood that it is a want as well as a need from a non-asexual persons viewpoint. So given the compromises, willingness to please your partner and the right amount of love, I definitely feel that a relationship is more than possible in my eyes. Sex is not the most important thing, but being willing to compromise and the want to see your partner happy, fulfilled and feeling loved is. I know it might be something that isn't thought about much or desired but in what serious, loving relationship is everything about what just YOU (sexual or asexual) want or don't want.... compromise people.. What's 14 mins of your time a week if you love someone. Although, like I said earlier, I really don't have enough information on how an asexual person feels about sex to make a proper decision... Ka-ploofff. Outtie, Toodles.

 

[Sunowo]

Well sex is important to a lot of people. These people would hardly start a relationship if they know there won't be sex. I think you should find someone that accepts you as you are, because everybody has different tastes for people, and there's surely a lot of people that would like to be with you despite your asexuality, since they probably don't care that much about sex to begin with.

Personaly, if a relation of mine starts to lack in the sexual aspect, I would never be infidel, I would simply cut the relationship and start a new one.

 

[Galadín]

Read this thread when it was first posted a number of months ago and have been mulling over it on and off since.

On one hand, my first reaction was that it's not fair to expect someone not to do something just because you don't want to do it. Basically, I compared it to the whole dog in a manger fable. Why would a person get upset because their partner had sex with someone when they don't hold any value in sex themselves? Just because one doesn't like football, dose this mean it's wrong for the other to go play the field? A sexual person has needs and desires, right? How can one ask for them to sacrifice something so integral to their being for the sake of another who will never truly understand those needs because they simply don't desire them? This thread has a few posts also explaining that the sexual person would be in a terrible situation in that the only way to fulfill themselves, would be to cheat on their loved one and that's never a great thing to contemplate.

Something still bugged me though. Although I am naturally too cynical to buy the whole "If you love them enough you'll stay true" ideal, there was definitely something there that had me doubting the sure, well argued answer above.

The thing is, asexual people have needs and desires too, and this can include ones tied to sexual attraction. Sexuality is a fluid thing and there are plenty of cases in which an asexual person will love their partner enough, that over time, they will want to experience that physical intimacy (and not because they feel obligated to fulfill their partner). It comes with time, trust and loyalty and is an emotional bond which can indeed create a sexual inclination. Even those who may never experience attraction on a physical level, they will feel a complete emotional attachment and deep affection with their partner. Obviously, if their partner sleeps with someone else, it can be a sign that they are not as emotionally invested in the relationship which of course is where the problem lies.

As a society that places a high premium on sexuality and sexual relationships, it's natural that the sexual partner's sacrifice is the first thing to be considered. However, as trite as it might first appear to be, it does come down to the whole "if you really love the person" ideal. If a person truly means the world to you and you love them such that you want to spend the rest of your life with them, then sexual orientation is a moot point. Loyalty, trust, devotion and faithfulness is something anyone in an intimate relationship deserves and should look for. Faithfulness is not just about sex, it's about being true to the person you love.

 

[The Welsh Paddy]

I think to go and cheat on someone just because they're asexual is just wrong. Cheating on someone for any reason is wrong too, for that matter. Simply put, if you're not happy, see if there's a compromise and if there isn't then just call it off.

"Oh, you're asexual so I had to go and satisfy my needs elsewhere."

That's just victim blaming and trying to justify doing something that's wrong.

I don't think I could maintain a relationship with someone who is asexual. For me, sex is an important part in a relationship. Not just for the sake of relieving myself. It's fun, makes me feel good and it's amazing being able to share that kind of physical intimacy with someone I love and care about so much. If the person was asexual and I knew this to begin with, I would steer away from getting into a relationship with them. If I was in a relationship with someone and it just seemed like we were taking things really slowly and then it becomes apparent that the person is asexual, that would be complicated. I certainly wouldn't go behind their back to get sex from someone else. But, it would be wrong of me to expect sex from someone who just doesn't want it.

I'd be stuck at a crossroads where I could just be like "Okay, I'll just never have sex then" and possibly spend the later years of my life regretting it, or I could be like "I'm sorry, this isn't going to work" and end the relationship there.

I'm trying to put myself in a position of how I would feel if I genuinely loved the person, but I really can't.

 

[Galadín]

To clarify what I was saying towards the end of my original post Costello, I'm pointing out that faithfulness is not just tied to the sex aspect of the relationship and therefore is certainly something an asexual person can expect from their partner.

Asexual people can sometimes develop a physical attraction to their partner and with time, may want to have sex with them to show their affection towards them. There's actually a lot of reasons why an asexual person might have sex, but none of them are the same reasons or impulses that drive a sexual person. However, to say that an asexual should just have sex with their partner (in order to have a compromise, please them, make sure they stay with them, etc.) would be tantamount to saying that they should engage in non consensual sex. Not only is that a hugely humiliating thing psychologically, but it is a complete degrading to any individual.

Asexual people, like any other people in any other kind of relationship, will be compromising and sacrificing many things in the different aspects of the relationship. To say that they won't be giving something up for the sake of the relationship is putting much more weight on the sexual aspect of the relationship than the emotional, romantic and everything else. There are far more ways than just sex to show your devotion.