Original Here goes nothing

[Oblivion_XIII]

Here's what I wrote in the middle of the night, enjoy. And some feedback would be appreciated.

Night. The wind was blowing, the house was shaking. Tip clung to his pillow, clutching his stomach fearful of what was happening. Sleet was coming from the sky. A cloud touched the earth, shaking the house even more. Tears were falling from Tip's face as he wondered, "Ist dies das Ende, is this the end?"


Lightning struck the tree next to the house. It bursted into flames. Tip cried out, "Come Save Me Freund, ich sterbe, come save me my friend, I am dying!" but, there was no one there.

Tip howled in pain, putting his arms around himself, screaming "Meine Koteletten in Agonie, my side burns in agony."

Tip flailed his arms about. Crying. Tip cried with his last breath, "Der Tod hat mich getroffen, leb Freund, death has taken me, goodbye friend."

Then, Tip's side exploded, killing him. His soul left his body to go to a new world, a world of peace.

 

[Sepalcure]

Whoa, very intense stuff here, very intense stuff. It's good, very fast-paced for such a short story but good. The only problem is that it's too fast. I didn't really get the sense that it was that apocalyptic. Try to spice it up with a few descriptions of your environment. So we have Tip (cool name btw) clutching a pillow and howling in pain . . . in a bedroom? In a house? I wasn't even sure. Is it his room? What are some of the things in his room? Is he sweating? I mean he's howling in pain, usually when we're exerting a great amount of energy to sustain our bodies 'til our last breath, we sweat. We tend to sweat when we panic too or at the very least shiver. Is he shivering? When the tree burst into flames what did it look like? Don't be afraid to put in one or two metaphors or a simile. Give a rhythm to your story, give it a style, give it a poetic style or something. I need to be hooked and I need to want you to continue reading your story.

Tip . . . who is he? Why is he clutching his pillow? Why did his stomach burst?
I'm just curious. I'm a reader, I don't know who he is, why he just died and went up to heaven. If this is just a one shot and you're never going to continue this then sort of disregard the last couple of queries I posed to you. However, if you're thinking of developing this and taking it a step further, then by all means, please try to answer these in a newer chapter or so. Otherwise, it's a pretty interesting beginning, very racy, kind of crazy and original. I like it.

 

[Aom]

It was a very sinister read, and very deep. When I read it, I could picture it in my head, and it was very edgy! It made me want to read on. I love how you mixed the German and English together and how it creates sympathy for 'Tip'. It had me thinking whether there was a personal message somewhere in this that related to your life, or some of your history. It was really good though, I hope to read more from you.

 

[Exoskeleton]

Um I like it but alot of things are left out for me as an audience member. I would like to know why Tip's side exploded and how. (He was shot? He had a bomb on him?)

Also, including Tip's last name would be helpful as I didn't know he was a person at first!

Good stuff for a short story. Wish it could have been longer. It has great potential

 

[Oblivion_XIII]

Yeah, sorry, it was the middle of the night when I wrote it. It is really an exert from the short story I am writing.

And thanks for catching my flaws, I will have more of the story up soon.