Serious Horrible Father Wants Access

[Miss Valentine]

I'm in a really bad place at the moment. Recently my son's father, who hasn't seen him since he was a couple of months old, has started asking for access to him. Although legally I guess I can't really refuse, but my gut instinct is telling me that it's bad, really bad, and that I shouldn't be letting him near my child.

You see, my son's father is not quite all there, for lack of a better description. In fact, not only is he paranoid and possessive, he's pretty violent and cruel too. For about a year when I was with him, he treated me terribly. He would often lock me in our flat, he was really rough with me and he beat me down not physically but emotionally. He always knew what to say to reduce me to nothing, in the end I lost the ability to think for myself, and he convinced me that I didn't have the right to think for myself. He told me I was nothing, and several times I tried to leave and he would blackmail me with suicide threats. I got pregnant by accident after he forced me, and some of the images still haunt me to this day.

I left him when I found out I was pregnant, somehow I got away and my mum helped me get back on my feet. It's been a long struggle, but I feel much better now, having my son gave me back my will to live and fight, and I can think for myself again. Me and my son are happy, just us two and our family who we see often. I'm so much stronger now, and I want to make a life for us two.

But the thought of him coming anywhere near my baby makes me sick, I'm so scared he will try to hurt him somehow. True that my fears may be unfounded if he has changed , but I doubt it very much. I know his behaviour, it's selfish and possesive. Do I really want my son growing up with a role-model like that? I feel helpless because I can't stop this from happening, I feel like I can't protect my son, and it's driving me crazy.

Hehehe, funny, I feel better just for letting that out. I wondered if anyone else has been in a similar situation and what they did.

 

[Bambi]

Oh my god I know exactly what you mean, I have so been there. I lived with a mentally abusive controlling shit head for 3 years, got pregnant by accident, he couldn't have children apparently

I left him shortly after I had her he always says he wants access but never makes the effort. I too don't really like the idea of it but I get on really well with his family so it's inevitable that he will see her which isn't actually that often

Lucky for me tho, he makes false promises so whenever he says 'Oh I want to see her' I know he's likely to cancel

If you think your son will be in danger though I'd suggest taking it through the courts, maybe getting supervised access? He cant just turn up and demand access after playing absent father so long either. I've had this conversation with my ex <_<

We are on slightly better terms now than we once were but I know what you mean. I had the suicide threats aswel when I tried to leave him and those things stick with you for ages & I still feel really angry about it

I hope that helps.....even just knowing I know what you're going through rather than giving any good advice

 

[Miss Valentine]

Wow, you really have been in that situation too, it's easy to feel like you're the only one!!

I'm on really good terms with his family aswell, so far they have been really understanding about my feelings, plus they know how he can be, but I can tell they are feeling guilty about being able to see Jonny but his father can't. They suggested that they supervise him with the baby, but I still don't think it will work, they have so little control over his behaviour as it is. God it's frustrating!!

I guess if he is persistent then you're right, courts would be the way to go. It's just tiring even thinking about courts, they are so gruelling, but anything to keep Jonny safe, methinks. My ex is kinda the same, he'll cry and get angry about not seeing our son, but he doesn't make much effort to actually look like a responsible adult.

Wow thanks for replying Bam, it does help to know there's someone out there who gets how I'm feeling, it's a huge help

 

[Dean Winchester]

Jesus, some men are just a disgrace to us, gentlemen :stare:

My advice; get a lawyer or try to prevent him (legally) from getting access to your son. Based on what you've said, that man is obviously a bad influence for your son, and remember that kids usually behave like their parents when they grow up.

 

[Miss Valentine]

Thanks for your advice, Julius. It wouldn't be easy though, because such things are really hard to prove in court, that's what makes me so angry about the justice system. I don't have any proof that he did anything to me, other than my own word, which wouldn't hold weight. Plus the fact that he's now being forced to pay maintenance costs means that he would be entitled to some access, even if it was supervised

Hey, I know not all guys are like that, I still believe in the Knight-In-Shining-Armour types ^^

 

[clean_queen]

I'm sorry I can't give you advice, but you sound like a wonderful mother. I'm sure you'll be able to kick the guy away as far away from you as possible.
With court, the men always lose when it comes to children, so you have an advantage.

 

[Miss Valentine]

@ clean_queen thanks for your support

I know what you mean about mothers being generally favoured in court (happened to my own parents), and I also think I get what black_monster is saying too, it could go either way, which is frightening for me. As for talking to him about it, I would have tried long ago if I'd have thought it could have worked, he's just not a very reasonable type.

 

[Moogles]

If you can't keep your son away from him, then let's hope he turns out to be a better father than husband.

The guy sounds like a complete prick, but maybe he'll surprise you. His sudden interest in his son is sort of unsettling, however.

Best wishes. Hope all turns out well for you. *thumbs up*

 

[Miss Valentine]

Thanks, I'll do my best

Hopefully I've got a plan that might help me avoid court- I'm taking Jonny to see my ex's family next week, we're all gonna sit down and discuss everything. I think they're as surprised as me that he suddenly wants to bother, after being away so long. It's Jonny's 3rd birthday in May, so perhaps around that time I might let my ex see him, because everyone will be there so he can't put a foot wrong. Annoying though, he never bothered with birthdays or Christmas, I doubt he even knows Jonny's date of birth!