Serious I don't want to get into the thick of it but ...

Sepalcure

Sepalcure

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I was sexually assaulted recently, a few months back, by one of my "acquaintances."
It's very shocking because I realized that the whole entire time I tried to deny the fact that he basically forced himself on me in the back of the bus I usually take home. I pretty much was numb the entire time and I just gave up trying to struggle and force him off of me.
So ... I don't even know why I'm putting this out there--I don't really care for pity at the moment--I guess I just felt like spewing it because I bottle shit up that really ... affects me. I don't know how to feel ... I've been going through a myriad of emotions and shit--part of me feels incredibly dirty and disgusting because I trusted this guy and then he just like defiled me with his fingers and I didn't scream loudly enough. I felt powerless. Part of me has felt very angry and I've been crying randomly and little things will trigger it and I've been obsessively reading other girls' accounts of sexual assault ...

I pretty much just feel numb now, I guess, I'm just asking if this is normal. I really don't know how to react. I've told my ex boyfriend about it and he's been flip-flopping emotionally and that just makes me feel even worse--like some horrid disgusting person. I feel like I could've done more to prevent this whole situation from ever happening but then ... at the same time I just ... can't cry about it? I dunno, has anyone experienced that feeling of numbness/shutting people or things out/not reacting to anything? I guess I have to seek counseling--I don't know if I really want to just feed into it and face that it happened. Part of me just feels guilty and ashamed because this guy was someone trusted within my circle of friends and the friends that I did tell hate his guts and I'm going to be alone with him on this bus ... and I'm scared shitless but numb at the same time.

I dunno ...
 
I'm very sorry you had to go through that experience. Something like this really can shake a person up. I was touched as a kid so I can sort of identify what you're going through. You're not a disgusting person and you obviously protested so i'm sure others wouldn't think negative things about you. An event like this can lead to negative things if bottled up so I suggest counseling, and calling the police. When it happened to me I just told authority figures and they helped square things away pretty fast and I never saw the people who'd made me uncomfortable ever again. Counselling helped me and my mom and a ton of other people I know immensely because it's someone to vent to without a fear of being judged so I highly recommend it. Overall time is the best healer and the numb feeling goes away after a while. I'm really sorry to hear what you've gone through. You're a valued member of this community and it really irks me that some jerk has committed this act and is seemingly getting away with it. I think something like that could get him arrested.
 
Sepalcure said:
I was sexually assaulted recently, a few months back, by one of my "acquaintances."
It's very shocking because I realized that the whole entire time I tried to deny the fact that he basically forced himself on me in the back of the bus I usually take home. I pretty much was numb the entire time and I just gave up trying to struggle and force him off of me.
So ... I don't even know why I'm putting this out there--I don't really care for pity at the moment--I guess I just felt like spewing it because I bottle shit up that really ... affects me. I don't know how to feel ... I've been going through a myriad of emotions and shit--part of me feels incredibly dirty and disgusting because I trusted this guy and then he just like defiled me with his fingers and I didn't scream loudly enough. I felt powerless. Part of me has felt very angry and I've been crying randomly and little things will trigger it and I've been obsessively reading other girls' accounts of sexual assault ...

I pretty much just feel numb now, I guess, I'm just asking if this is normal. I really don't know how to react. I've told my ex boyfriend about it and he's been flip-flopping emotionally and that just makes me feel even worse--like some horrid disgusting person. I feel like I could've done more to prevent this whole situation from ever happening but then ... at the same time I just ... can't cry about it? I dunno, has anyone experienced that feeling of numbness/shutting people or things out/not reacting to anything? I guess I have to seek counseling--I don't know if I really want to just feed into it and face that it happened. Part of me just feels guilty and ashamed because this guy was someone trusted within my circle of friends and the friends that I did tell hate his guts and I'm going to be alone with him on this bus ... and I'm scared shitless but numb at the same time.

I dunno ...
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Oh god....I'm so sorry this happened to you. I know you're not looking for pity but my heart truly goes out to you. As for the emotions you are feeling now: it's completely normal for someone who has been sexually assaulted. The feeling of being numb, random crying, feeling like you didn't do enough to prevent it (which is bull, you were in a state of shock and you likely couldn't respond in the way a person who isn't going through a trauma would react. It's easy for someone who's never been assaulted, isn't being assaulted currently, to say they would scream bloody murder. When you're actually IN the situation your brain can completely shut down due to the shock of it all). What you're going through right now is normal for people who have been sexually assaulted, so don't think otherwise.

As for counselling: Seriously, get it. Please don't think of counseling as a negative thing. It's really not. I hate how our society views it as such a negative thing. It shows a lot of strength for someone to admit that they need to talk to someone and get the help they need. This is completely unrelated: but I have a phobia and anxiety. I go to therapists, psychologists, etc. I'm not ashamed of it because by doing these things I'm a lot better off than I would be if I don't go at all. If you want to get better, please see someone and talk to them. It won't make everything better, but it will help you.

Also, please call the cops. Someone like that is not your friend. And he shouldn't be a friend of your friends. He should be in jail for what he did. HE was in the wrong, not you. He should be the one to suffer the consequences of his actions.

If you ever need someone to talk to, please feel free to pm me.
 
That's just...I don't know what to say, I am really sorry you had to face something like that. I think you should most certainly not be alone with that person; not like you don't already know that. You should really avoid this person at all costs or have a really close friend with you if you can't avoid them...

If you are having emotional problems after it happen I think -- you really should get counseling or talk to people who are truly close to you -- a sibling or parent -- and get everything out; bottling anything up is never good, believe me, I know how that can turn out and in the long run it leaves you strung out and just indifferent to people at all, and no one ever wants to be affected like that...

I am really sorry. My prayers go out to you...
 
Thank you so much, it's just really hard for me to come to grips with the fact that this happened. I would press charges but this happened approximately two months ago and instead of telling someone--my initial response was to lock it out, forget that it happened, and internalize it completely. I just told my friends that this guy didn't do anything wrong and I didn't feel comfortable opening up about what really happened until much later--he didn't just harass me through text message he'd also physically violated me while we were alone on the bus. I think what's most damaging is that my ex boyfriend is just wrestling with so many emotions: guilt, anger, confusion, wanting to be my friend/but wanting more from me to not being sure, saying he loves me, saying he wants to beat the shit out of the guy who did this, and yet not knowing if it was consensual/non-consensual, asking me why I didn't feel comfortable enough with telling him the truth sooner. I don't even understand why I tried to cover it up and blame myself--I don't even really know who I am anymore. I just feel so conflicted. I told my ex that I'm numb because of it now--that I get why he's emotionally conflicted about everything 'cause I guess it's a lot to take in--having your ex girlfriend tell you that after 6 months of separation she was sexually assaulted is probably hard to process. Problem is, I can't just be friends with this guy even if being intimate with him is going to trouble me and trusting anyone really is going to kill me ... problem is ... I care and love him too much and I guess I just don't want to feel alone and like I betrayed him in some way.

I know that I will definitely go for counseling and seek comfort in my friends. My mother already knows about it--I pretty much broke down and told her but I said that I didn't want to press charges because there was lack of evidence and so much time has passed that it has possibly lost its legitimacy. Plus the courts can be unforgiving and such ... I'm just scared that the guy who did this will either attempt to attack me and corner me again or ... do this to someone else. And I'm scared that this will push my ex away from me for good or that it already has ... part of me just wishes that I hadn't told anyone. But yeah, just, ... thank you for responding.
 
I know it's tough to force yourself to relive the situation all over again by giving a statement, but I would strongly encourage you to file a report with your local police. Even if nothing comes of what happened to you, it's important to have this on file. I can almost guarantee you this isn't the first time he's done something like this, and it probably won't be the last. So it may not necessarily help you in any way, but you might be able to protect or help another woman who gets put in your situation.

I've never been placed in a situation like yours, but I know a few people who have, and they said the same thing you have about numbness and the feelings of guilt. Counseling is your best bet to help you process some of the things that are going on, in my opinion. Like you said, bottling up these feelings isn't a good thing. They could resurface down the road and manifest even stronger. Better to deal with it head-on, I think.

You said you'd have to see him on the bus again? Maybe you could look into a restraining order? You shouldn't have to be put into a similar situation, and more importantly, you shouldn't have to change your routine because of his crime.

As far as your ex-boyfriend, you're just going to have to let him come to grips with this on his own. There's nothing really you can do about his emotions, especially while your own are going a thousand miles a minute. So take care of yourself first. He's a big boy, he'll have to find his own way.

I hate that this happened to you. I'm against the death penalty, but if I weren't, this would be the type of thing that I'd fry somebody for. If you get a chance, kick him squaw in the nuts for me.
 
In time your ex will have everything in check. He obviously cares about you. As for it being too late to report it: I really wouldn't know, but I still think you should try. And just explain why you didn't come forward sooner. I'm sure they've heard the same thing before since keeping it to yourself is a normal response to the situation.
 
I hope so and if I do file a report I want to do it confidentially. I don't want it getting out there like that that this happened to me.
There shame that I feel about it still, if that makes any sense, like people will look at me differently or blame me for what happened.
There's fear that I won't be believed but I do know that I will definitely go for counseling/therapy because I really do need to talk to someone neutral--like a trained professional who won't look at me in disbelief and doubt or fuck up my head by triggering flashbacks (I've already went through an episode of that last night). I just know that I'll need to talk so someone eventually.

And Phoenyx, you're right about my ex, I suppose I should just give him space. I just told him that I can't force his feelings and that it's understandable that he'd be confused about everything. I'm planning to give him some space to sort everything out. It's just part of me felt bitter and angry even at him because it's like--the first person I trusted enough to confide in just like--wasn't there to support me but it's like I'm trying to understand what he's going through too. I definitely still want to be with him but I have to go through the counseling and deal with this on my own ...
 
*hugs* I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you! :sad3: One of my best friends went through the same sort of thing; the people who do these things to others are just disgusting!

You should file a report. What happened to my friend happened several years ago, but because of the trauma, it took her years to file a report. Her family knew, and she had moved on, but another abusive relationship brought those past memories back whilst the police were nearby. She told them her story and they filed a report. The man who did those things to her years before was removed from his job (he was a doctor!) and was taken to court. I hear the questions they ask are traumatic for the victim, but this man does not deserve to walk free. Two months should not be too late; women can't be expected to tell the police what has happened to them immediately. It's an incredibly traumatic experience. Tell the police to protect yourself, to relieve yourself and to protect the women he may assault in the future.

I'm glad you've opened up to your mother and some friends, but I, like others, would recommend counselling. There are no doubt specific counsellors for this type of thing - you may even be able to find a support group where you can meet others who've been through something similar. Talking to them, you'll see that your emotions are natural.

You must not blame yourself for freezing at the time, nor for feeling numb now. Both of these reactions are natural; it's a defence mechanism, a method of survival, and you must not be ashamed of it. Just don't allow these emotions to harm you further - seek help so that you can regain control and work towards a more positive image of yourself! :sad3: *hugs*

Do not ride with him at the back of the bus again. Don't feel ashamed about sitting away from him; it's a wise decision, not a weak one. If anyone questions why you're doing it, if ANYONE judges you, ignore them. No one has a right to know what happened, you don't have to explain yourself to anyone, and the people who matter won't care about where you sit on a bus. The...piece of filth who hurt you may appear smug, but don't let him make you feel like shit. You know what he is - he's absolutely disgusting; he's a criminal; he's one of earth's worst human beings. YOU, on the other hand, are innocent and pure and incredibly strong; talking about it to anyone required a lot of strength. Don't forget that.
 
My whole problem with filing a complaint/report with the police is that a) there was no sign of a struggle: bruising, lacerations, etc. b) there was no physical evidence: traces of seminal fluid, blood from cuts and/or scrapes and c) a lot of time has elapsed from the time that it happened. I feel like due to these certain realities, they wouldn't take it seriously or just dismiss it altogether and there's also the fact that I consented to sex with this person before this even happened on a separate occasion--even if halfway through the sexual act I distinctly remember telling him to stop because it was painful. They may just throw my story out the window and claim that I a) falsified this completely and b) because I didn't physically resist during the sexual intercourse bit (if I decide to tell them this for validation purposes) that it doesn't qualify as rape or pressured sex and also because I willingly consented to it before so ... consent is consent whether you complain of it hurting or protest to them to stop. That's also why I'm very hesitant about reporting this guy--it's a very gray area with the first sexual encounter but the second one on the bus even with the lack of physical evidence is most definitely classified as sexual assault in a New Jersey civil court. So I don't know ... I'm having mixed emotions about going through with filing a report because I really, really don't want to be victim blamed and have to go through questioning like: "Well why didn't you scream and resist if you didn't want to go through having sex with him? Why didn't you call out to the bus driver when he forcefully fingered you without your consent?" And in essence that just makes my whole guilt feel incredibly more powerful and just makes me feel like I'm completely to blame, that, in essence I led this guy on and that I sort of deserved the aftermath of what happened. I mean I told my friends everything and I didn't leave out anything I tried to remember everything as it happened and none of them discount or feel like I'm being dishonest about it but still ... I just don't see this holding up in a court of law--I could see him walking away and laughing it off. Like ... I dunno ... just ... it's really, really confusing.
 
A thousand 'yes's and one 'no' = no.

Police very rarely blame the victim anymore. I think your report will be taken seriously. I agree with you that it may be difficult to prosecute/press charges/etc. But establishing a pattern of behavior against this guy is just as important. If nothing else, he needs to be scared.

This wasn't your fault. He is entirely to blame.
 
I'm sorry to hear what happened. That sucks in every way possible.

But calling the police is the best thing to do, you've got to think, why does this guy deserve to get away with doing something like that and what if he does it again, to someone else? He doesn't deserve to get away with it, he deserves to be sentenced. So call the cops. It can be anonymous, but call them.

It's not your fault it happened but you can do something about it by reporting it and making sure it has less of a chance of happening again.
 
This is probably going to sound really harsh, but you don't need counselling over this. The unfortunate truth is, is that this happens an awful lot. Sometimes it happens a lot more than it actually does, and by that I mean girl's crying wolf. If you don't actually have any physical proof of this happening, as you say you don't, seeking counselling and therapy may be a waste of time because there's the potential risk that they may not even believe you. I can name a handful of girls personally who went through stuff with an ex, and then pulled the whole "Oh, well he forced me against my will".. and depending on how far he may or may not go, they don't have proof.. even though it never actually happened to begin with. It's been a rising situation, something that TV is also now glamourising with stuff like Law and Order where they're victimizing the rapist, just because a girl wants to get back at him.

Now let me reaffirm myself here that I don't believe this to be your case, but it's been something that counsellors and therapists are now being made aware of. Therapy and couselling, unless you can find it somewhere, can be quite expensive. If you can find a place where you can confide in someone for free, then be my guest, but again, without substantial proof of it, they may not believe you.

That said, I can imagine what you're going through because I was near a similar situation that started to veer that way but I managed to escape from it. What you're feeling is completely normal... it's horrible, but it's normal. Women who are assaulted, physically, emotionally, sexually, usually feel shame in the beginning stages of the aftereffects. Women have been given so much power over the years that we feel we should still be able to stop something from happening to us if we don't allow it to. But the sad truth is men still over power us in some situations and it can't be helped.

What people say about the whole 'what if' situationg, is complete bullshit. You can assume that you'd know how to push off a guy or kick him in the balls and run, but the truth is nobody knows how they would react in a situation until it happens to them. Fear overtakes you in so many ways in situations like that, that common sense and logic flees out the window and suddenly you don't even know if you have full control of your arms and legs anymore enough to run. Men, in this way, have a psychological power over women, and that's through fear. Many men can control a woman through fear, and it's always a common factor of abuse. So don't let guilt and shame overtake you if/when people question you with the 'what ifs'. All you can say is, that when it happened, you weren't who you used to be and you couldn't control anything that happened to you.

It's absolutely terrible that you feel this way and I know everyone wishes they could take it away but... you have to learn to deal with it. You need to be able to move on with it, passed it, and acknowledge that you aren't going to let it control you. Horrible things happen to people everyday beyond our control, but the one thing you can control is how it affects you. You can either feel ashamed or you can grow stronger from it. You can either hide away from guys, or you can walk out and show him that even though he did this terrible thing to you, you're not going to let it ruin you.

It won't happen over night. And you won't feel better by friday. But you will feel better eventually, I think when you can come to terms with what happened and grow from it. Learn how you felt and how it affected you, but change it. Don't let it bring you down negatively and I know that sounds like an impossibility, but you have to. You have to keep on shining, inspite of everything.
 
IIRC anything related to sexual assault has no 'death timer'. That means that you can report it 30 years from now and it's still legitimate. I may be wrong, but that's my gut feeling.

I'm here for you though if you need anyone to talk to. My oldest brother attempted to molest me when I was in third grade so I know what you're going through (somewhat). I immediately told my step father who said that that's what brothers do. I obviously didn't get much help there lol.

If you ever need anyone to talk to, I'll always be more than welcome to give you a friendly conversation :)
 
Me Gustith said:
This is probably going to sound really harsh, but you don't need counselling over this. The unfortunate truth is, is that this happens an awful lot. Sometimes it happens a lot more than it actually does, and by that I mean girl's crying wolf. If you don't actually have any physical proof of this happening, as you say you don't, seeking counselling and therapy may be a waste of time because there's the potential risk that they may not even believe you
Click to expand...

What a terrific thing to say. That is like telling someone not to bother going to the hospital for a broken arm, because plenty of people break their arms every day. As for therapists or counselors demanding proof, I have no idea how a statement so incorrect can exist without breaking the universe. Police need evidence to charge, or a court needs it to prosecute. Therapy requires none. You wont be asked to prove you were assaulted or anything so incredibly ridiculous.

As for counseling itself, there should be no shame or stigma attached to it. You get sick you got to a doctor. You suffer a trauma, you go to a therapist. It is not about what has happened to other people in the past, or happens to them every day. It is about what happened to you personally, so if you think you need help getting through this then get help.
 
Well ... I wasn't sure how to reply to your post, Channy ...
I understand what you're saying that the whole prospect of sexual assault is a common act and whatnot but I'm with Wander on this ...
I highly doubt a counselor or a therapist (and I do have a former one but that's besides the point) will look at me and ask me to provide physical evidence of being sexually accosted. There is none: there is no bruising, there is no vaginal tears ... The damage wasn't inherently brutally physical but it did scar me emotionally and psychologically--that I know. That is something that I can feel and it's a confusing and numbing feeling. I find myself feeling angry some days now ... I find myself wanting to lash out at everyone. I find myself not feeling anything other days--like today and just waking up and feeling nothing really. Everyone reacts to these situations differently. I can't say that I would've handled this internally and just not done anything before this happened ... it's different when it finally happens to you. I feel in my heart and in my mind that I need to open up about this because I've been internalizing this for months and sitting there and mulling over what I could have done differently and how I could have not led this guy on.

I've been blaming myself and that's not healthy. Any counselor would sit me down and tell me this. I do know that I'm in no emotional state to be told that I don't need therapy or counseling. I don't think anyone's in a position to judge how much I can handle this on my own because they don't know what I'm emotionally and psychologically going through. This damages you ... one minute you feel like you're just this dirty and damaged thing and the next you don't feel like feeling anything at all.

It does sound harsh, hearing you don't need any counseling from someone, no matter which way you try to soften the blow of it. And honestly reading that comment shocked me and hurt me more ... not that I expected pity, far from it. I do know that I will get over this in time but I have no time period for it to tell you the truth. I think what hurts me more is that someone else in my family went through this when she was much younger than I ... by a man that used to take care of me so it's all confusing. I never thought this would happen to me, I swore I was stronger and more immune to it but now I just feel like a vulnerable weakling. That's the honest truth. Part of me wants to turn to he and admit what happened but part of me feels shame for admitting it ... I don't trust anyone's perceptions of me anymore and so that's why I feel like I can only turn to a trained professional to "hear me out." I don't want to keep this locked in and one day just blow up at someone for blaming me constantly (I've already done that and felt like shit) and I don't want to freeze up in the moment of sexual intimacy with someone and just break down crying--but guess what? That's the point that I'm at right now ...

Telling me that I can get through this is just like saying: You can get through being shot in the foot, shit happens every day, just suck it up and move on. I know that's not what you intended it to sound like but ... that's just how I interpreted it. But thanks for trying to give me advice and help ...
 
Personally I do believe counselling is necessary. The act of sexual assault is one person being forced upon by another. It intrinsically carries the idea of forceful domination and one person being in control of another. Counselling is, or is supposed to be, a more gentle process, with the idea of guidance rather than domination. Asking for help is never a bad thing.

Counselling is about healing the mental and emotional wounds. The physical trauma is gone but the mental and emotional sides remain. Counselling will guide you through that at a pace you're comfortable with. You seem to be going through a whirlwind of emotions and have been since it happened. This tells me that you're having too many lingering effects to be able to get through it on your own.

I had a close friend go through this myself, at the hands of another guy when he, a group of friends and I went out one night. He didn't know this guy, went into the bathroom, and basically got backed up against a corner by this drunk bastard and molested. He proceeded to go through a process similar to what you describe before breaking down one day in the middle of class and essentially going into a numb state of mind/expression while still crying. And he felt guilty about it for not stopping him/crying when he was supposed to be a man etc etc. The usual stigma. Our group of friends had supported him but after that we made him go visit a counselor, and she did more good for him than we ever could have.

Counselling is a good thing. Consider it. And file a police report like Jesse said. Having that on record protects and aids future victims.
 
I'm sorry this has happened to you. I really am.

Having gone through a similar experience a few years ago, I will definitely push the counselling idea to you. It helped me leaps and bounds, although I made the mistake of not seeking help as soon as it hit me (It took me a while to open up about it), which can sometimes hold an individual back, it certainly did with me.
As for the blaming yourself thing... In my case it passed. It took a long time, and I honestly blamed myself; to be honest sometimes when I slip into a bad frame of mind, I still do in a round-about way (this is very occasionally though). Best of luck with feeling better on this. This is in no way your fault.
 
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