Serious I still love her, but I'm not happy.

[Captain Squee]

The title is a true fact about my 5 and a half year relationship with my girlfriend. It was a hard truth to swallow, so hard in fact that it took one of the biggest and yet most necessary mistakes of my life to choke it down. So here's the background...

My girlfriend and I got together in high school. I was 18 and she was 17, I had just gotten out of a 1 year relationship and she was the one for me to fall on and eventually we fell in love. When we would spend time together we'd be so happy and we knew the relationship was right. Now, as time passed it was time to move on in our lives. My parents were moving to a different state and I chose to stay in New York to be with her, so I had to find a job and an apartment. At around the same time, Courtney was heading off to college. This was hard because it became a long distance relationship and I never truly believed in those. It was extremely hard, but we made it. She would come down to see me and I'd go up to see her, and when we saw eachother we were happy. Then summer came and she stayed at my apartment and I was happy then, too. But as summer was coming to an end I realized how much I hated my life. I was in a job I hated, spent my time in a depressing apartment that had no windows (true story) and was truly unhappy, so I quit my job and moved up here to live with her while she went to school.

The idea was that I'd get a job in a matter of a few months and we'd support eachother. But a few months didn't turn out to be the case. I was unemployed for 2 years while we both had to live off of her student loans. Being unemployed was extremely difficult for me and she was there for me, I certainly was not happy then. But she helped me and I love her for it. But I also felt like I was alone when she wasn't around. I had thought this was because I had really no friends to talk to, the only person I kept in touch with in high school lived way too far away because he also moved on with his life and overall things were just a bit lonely for me.

Skip forward to me finding a job last September. I realized I wanted to cook for a living, food was my passion. I got into a starting position and began to work my way up. I was happy when I was working and I took this happiness home with me. She loved it and I loved it. During my time here I also tried to come out of my reclusive shell and begin talking to people and just overall making friends. For the next part of the story, this is where the biggest and yet most necessary mistake comes in to play. This 4th of July weekend, everything being celebrated on the 3rd because Monday is usually a bad day for it, I was alone. She was with her parents and I had to stay because I had to work. The next day I was invited to a co-workers place to celebrate the 4th properly since we both had the 5th off. I don't drink, I've been a little drunk before but never anything I'd consider "hammered". But this time, I got hammered and when I'm drunk I talk and talk. I started talking about how unhappy I was with her and how I wish we were the couple I wanted us to be.

I knew I couldn't start walking home in that condition and I needed to sober up, so I stopped drinking and gave it some time and the co-worker offered to walk me home to make sure I was safe, insisting that she was able to keep herself safe while I was unsure because I'd never been that drunk before. While on this walk she confessed her feelings for me, and not just by telling me she likes me, but by telling me all of the reasons she wants to be with me and it made me feel happy again. We kissed, and I was the one that initiated it. I told her I felt so guilty about it because we were both drunk, but I know that I could have been sober and I would have at least wanted to kiss her.

I told my girlfriend about this...it was hard because I knew I had betrayed her. She is ready to forgive me and now we know that there is a problem and we're both willing to work on it. I'm just so scared. I'm scared because I don't know what life is like without her, I just know that I'm not happy anymore. I look back on our life together and I see how good we were for eachother. I can see that I had so many hard times and she was the one that was there for me, she does all these amazing things for me. I love her because she's always there for me, she's always willing to put me first, she's willing to do so much for me. Even the small things like making me cinnamon rolls in the morning or the pretty recent time she bought a sexy outfit for me. I don't want to leave her but I am not happy anymore. I feel like we grew up differently. As we grow up we drop pieces of us and pick new ones up and I'm afraid that the part of me that needed her to make my happy was dropped off and the part I picked up to keep me happy was something she can't offer me.

My mothers advice was to give it a timer. Flip an hour glass and if we can't fix it by then we need to break up. The idea of us breaking up scares me because of so many reasons. I still care about her, I don't want to hurt her. I don't know what it's like to be single. Will I ever find anyone else to make me as happy as she once did? What am I going to tell her if I still feel unhappy with her after we work on our relationship? I'm scared and I don't know what to do...

 

[Shu]

@Captain Squee, first of all welcome back sir. Long time no see.. so let's shed some light on a few things you mentioned.

1) You both were young when starting dating
2) She moved for school and you hated your job
3) You move to her and you did not have a job for two years which she was supportive during this time
4) You get a cooking job, and you love it.
5) You look inside yourself this July 4th and start talking to a girl you work with. You kiss her after saying how unhappy you are with your girl.

There are only three identifying factors I can "TRY" to give advice about, but that's if you want it.

1) You have a girl who let you move in with her and carry you for 2 years.
2) Even after kissing another girl, she still forgave you.
3) You are unhappy.

Are we sure we are talking about a relationship or you at this moment? I hate to inception this stuff, but are you sure you are just not unhappy with your life still? I mean it didn't sound super convincing that this was about your existing girl friend or not. A five year relationship is almost a marriage man. You have to think for yourself for a second. While "Time" is not friendly to some, you have to plan for the hard times if you are planning on a break up.

Your security blanket will be gone. Most people have to be alone first before a relationship. Breaking up is just needing time for yourself, if you hop to another relationship you are creating a void in yourself at that point and attempting to fill it up by confiding in another. I recommend if you are breaking up, you are doing this for YOU not for another.

I hate it, and I want to explain to you that you will be losing someone that has had your back after all this time if you choose to do this. If you are doing this, it's only to repair some damage inside yourself.

I ask you three final questions:

1) Do you wake up and worry about the future of you?
2) Do you have a set group of guy friends to just be a fella for a minute?
3) Do you want to be in a relationship at all?

 

[Captain Squee]

@Captain Squee, first of all welcome back sir. Long time no see.. so let's shed some light on a few things you mentioned.

1) You both were young when starting dating
2) She moved for school and you hated your job
3) You move to her and you did not have a job for two years which she was supportive during this time
4) You get a cooking job, and you love it.
5) You look inside yourself this July 4th and start talking to a girl you work with. You kiss her after saying how unhappy you are with your girl.

There are only three identifying factors I can "TRY" to give advice about, but that's if you want it.

1) You have a girl who let you move in with her and carry you for 2 years.
2) Even after kissing another girl, she still forgave you.
3) You are unhappy.

Are we sure we are talking about a relationship or you at this moment? I hate to inception this stuff, but are you sure you are just not unhappy with your life still? I mean it didn't sound super convincing that this was about your existing girl friend or not. A five year relationship is almost a marriage man. You have to think for yourself for a second. While "Time" is not friendly to some, you have to plan for the hard times if you are planning on a break up.

Your security blanket will be gone. Most people have to be alone first before a relationship. Breaking up is just needing time for yourself, if you hop to another relationship you are creating a void in yourself at that point and attempting to fill it up by confiding in another. I recommend if you are breaking up, you are doing this for YOU not for another.

I hate it, and I want to explain to you that you will be losing someone that has had your back after all this time if you choose to do this. If you are doing this, it's only to repair some damage inside yourself.

I ask you three final questions:

1) Do you wake up and worry about the future of you?
2) Do you have a set group of guy friends to just be a fella for a minute?
3) Do you want to be in a relationship at all?

Thanks for the welcome back.

Reading what you said, it actually makes me think a lot in a good way. I always worry about my future and I know for a long time I've wondered if I'd b happy with her forever, but I have never been able to answer myself. Perhaps that was because I didn't want to answer myself, or maybe it's because I knew my life wasn't where I wanted it. Most of the time we've been together I've been going through a period of my life where I wasn't happy with where I was going. It just concerns me because I now finally have a direction, a career, and many major life choices decided and now I'm wondering if we're really right for eachother after all.

I've never had a group of guys I could go out with and just "be a fella" in my entire life. I haven't been single since I was 16 (I'm 23 now), everything in my life has been us and I think that now that I'm seeing what it's like to not shut myself in so hard that maybe I need to live my life. I know I don't want to leave her and go with someone else, but I'm wondering if maybe I need time for me to be me and not just us. I'm going to work on being happy with her again but I think I need to discover what it's like to just be me having fun out in the world outside of the relationship. I'm going to try making this work, but as I mentioned, I'm just scared.

 

[Shu]

Thanks for the welcome back.

Reading what you said, it actually makes me think a lot in a good way. I always worry about my future and I know for a long time I've wondered if I'd b happy with her forever, but I have never been able to answer myself. Perhaps that was because I didn't want to answer myself, or maybe it's because I knew my life wasn't where I wanted it. Most of the time we've been together I've been going through a period of my life where I wasn't happy with where I was going. It just concerns me because I now finally have a direction, a career, and many major life choices decided and now I'm wondering if we're really right for eachother after all.

Well you have a lot to be thankful for in her. If there is any way to salvage it, good luck then. She sounds like a great friend in the future. Sometimes a good friend is ... better than a relationship. You might not be able to see it now, but trust me, after a year or two people change. Hell from the sound of it you went through a lot of stages of change yourself.

Just don't burn the bridge and make her feel worthless. She has done a lot for you and made you happy at one point. I think without her you will feel something missing, that won't ever be found in others.

I've never had a group of guys I could go out with and just "be a fella" in my entire life. I haven't been single since I was 16 (I'm 23 now), everything in my life has been us and I think that now that I'm seeing what it's like to not shut myself in so hard that maybe I need to live my life. I know I don't want to leave her and go with someone else, but I'm wondering if maybe I need time for me to be me and not just us. I'm going to work on being happy with her again but I think I need to discover what it's like to just be me having fun out in the world outside of the relationship. I'm going to try making this work, but as I mentioned, I'm just scared.

Just focus, I don't know anything about you two as a whole. From the sound of it, you both sound like ya'll are on different directions in life. Just again.. be thankful and move on! The next few years of your life will mold you for good.

 

[Soulcorruptor]

If I may offer my two cents which might be just shit advice so take it how you want to man. But it sounds like with all that was wrong when you moved up there not having the job not many friends or just guys to hang around with and be a regular "chill dude", seems to have an adverse effect so to say. Since now you are getting out more and making other friends and happy at your job your getting a felling of happiness you may have been unaccustomed to, before from the sound of it she was the only good thing you had in your life but now you are finding other things to be happy about. With all this extra sense of happiness it may be that you are just overlooking what made you happy before with her.

As you said she obviously forgave you so she cares for you very much, so just take things slow and try some of your usual things together if you both are up for it and see if you can still find some happiness, it might just be finding the right degree of it as there is a difference with happiness then being with that special person, and being happy with friends and a job. So just take your time and don't break up or something like that just for the sake of it for something you may regret.

 

[FinalxxSin]

.....

The only person that can truly make you happy at the end of the day is you. Yes, other people can help enhance that said happiness, but you'll have to discover on your own mainly what makes you happy as self. Far as the person that you've been with, you have it good. She has been your rock and has had your back when things were good AND when things were bad. A lot of relationships don't make it because people don't know how to deal with hard times. Anybody can stay together when everything is going right. That's easy. Far as the other person goes, there's no promises that person would stick it out with you regardless of how things were. Plus, you'd have little to no clue if the two of you would even be compatible in the long term. Worse case scenario, you and the person you are currently with could hopefully still be friends, if you seek some time to yourself. There's nothing wrong with really thinking about the long term goals and seeing if the person you are with would fit into that picture. You have a passion, then work toward it. Share what you are proud of with other people. If you are reliant upon another person to make you happy, you may very well be setting yourself up for a lot of misery.

 

[Captain Squee]

Well you have a lot to be thankful for in her. If there is any way to salvage it, good luck then. She sounds like a great friend in the future. Sometimes a good friend is ... better than a relationship. You might not be able to see it now, but trust me, after a year or two people change. Hell from the sound of it you went through a lot of stages of change yourself.

Just don't burn the bridge and make her feel worthless. She has done a lot for you and made you happy at one point. I think without her you will feel something missing, that won't ever be found in others.

Just focus, I don't know anything about you two as a whole. From the sound of it, you both sound like ya'll are on different directions in life. Just again.. be thankful and move on! The next few years of your life will mold you for good.

No matter what happens she is a great girlfriend, even if it isn't me she'll make somebody very happy.

If I may offer my two cents which might be just shit advice so take it how you want to man. But it sounds like with all that was wrong when you moved up there not having the job not many friends or just guys to hang around with and be a regular "chill dude", seems to have an adverse effect so to say. Since now you are getting out more and making other friends and happy at your job your getting a felling of happiness you may have been unaccustomed to, before from the sound of it she was the only good thing you had in your life but now you are finding other things to be happy about. With all this extra sense of happiness it may be that you are just overlooking what made you happy before with her.

As you said she obviously forgave you so she cares for you very much, so just take things slow and try some of your usual things together if you both are up for it and see if you can still find some happiness, it might just be finding the right degree of it as there is a difference with happiness then being with that special person, and being happy with friends and a job. So just take your time and don't break up or something like that just for the sake of it for something you may regret.

We're going to work on it. I'm confident it's not that I just have other things to be happy about, it feels more like I've started to see how much of myself has changed and realizing that what I need from a relationship is not something she is, or as I fear, can even offer me.

The only person that can truly make you happy at the end of the day is you. Yes, other people can help enhance that said happiness, but you'll have to discover on your own mainly what makes you happy as self. Far as the person that you've been with, you have it good. She has been your rock and has had your back when things were good AND when things were bad. A lot of relationships don't make it because people don't know how to deal with hard times. Anybody can stay together when everything is going right. That's easy. Far as the other person goes, there's no promises that person would stick it out with you regardless of how things were. Plus, you'd have little to no clue if the two of you would even be compatible in the long term. Worse case scenario, you and the person you are currently with could hopefully still be friends, if you seek some time to yourself. There's nothing wrong with really thinking about the long term goals and seeing if the person you are with would fit into that picture. You have a passion, then work toward it. Share what you are proud of with other people. If you are reliant upon another person to make you happy, you may very well be setting yourself up for a lot of misery.

This is my fault because of phrasing/lack of detailing, but I'll get that cleared up. When I kissed the other girl it was not because I had feelings for her, we're friends and that's it, she does like me but I don't know her well enough to say I'd think we could work together. And for the most part, I'm not unhappy with my life, I'm happier than I've ever been with my life, I finally have a career direction, gaining friends left and right, going out and having a blast. That was the first 4th of July party I've ever been to that wasn't just with family. I feel like I'm just unhappy with our relationship. The kiss was a mistake in every way.

I feel like I fell in love with the girl in high school and she was exactly what I needed, she fulfilled those needs. Then we grew up and I was thrust into shitty places one after another, jobs I hate, places I hate, unemployed for way too long, and in my human nature to connect with someone else I connected to the only person in my life. My family moved away, I lost touch with all my friends, I gave up what I had to be with her, but I never considered that giving all of that up would mean making her the only thing I had. Now that I'm finally coming out of my 3-4 year shell I'm seeing things in a new light and realizing that maybe we aren't right for eachother. She does things that drive me insane and I hardly could deal with them when it was just us, but now it's not just us, I have some time to be just me, and I feel relieved. I feel like being without those things is a lift off my shoulders.



And for everyone who has been reading this, here's an update. We've talked about my feelings and we're working on it. We're going to try, as a couple, to get me to be happy with the relationship once again. I just have very little faith in it, though I will not let a lack in faith get in the way of my trying. I care about her so much and I really don't want to hurt her, but I will have to if I don't think we're right for eachother. A problem is, though, as we've been talking I've been mentioning my feelings about us being too different from 5 years ago to really understand if we'll be ok and her response was that I needed to let her believe this would work or she couldn't get through it. So in other words I am to silence how I feel if I feel things aren't improving...which is a problem. To counter this problem I guess I'm just going to have to tell her even if she doesn't want to hear it, but we'll have to see how that works out. If we both lose faith then it's doomed, but if she has faith, even if I don't, I'm going to try.

I also just want to thank all of you for not being instantly judgemental. I appreciate that all of you recognize that I made a mistake and know that I have judged myself pretty harshly on this. So yeah, thanks for that, it was hard for me to open up about this (honest reason I came here is because I knew it'd be easy for me to run away from the conversation if I was being judged for my shitty actions).