Love and Disability

[Steve-O]

This has been a subject that I talk about to friends and family all the time, before I begin, as you are aware, I have a disorder called TAR Syndrome, it puts me in a wheelchair and I don't have arm bones, for more details on my disability follow the link Details on TAR Syndrome

Now onto the topic, one thing that many people has always asked me is the question of if I will marry one day and have kids. or if i'm able to be in a relationship at all. I never seen the point of these questions myself. just because I have a disability doesn't mean that I can't have a healthy relationship with someone. another question that I always been asked as well is if i'll have kids one day in the future. one question that I have always asked myself is if the world and people of modern society accept relationships between a person with a disability and a partner who 'don't' have a disability.

I been with my girlfriend for over a year now, unlike me Sarah is perfectly ok, and she don't have any kind of disability compared to me, one thing that has bothered me and her over the year we been together is the questions, as well as the looks we get when we are out in public. people always scare as us when we are together say in town or on a beach holding hands of hugging up to each-other or sharing a kiss. it like they are looking and thinking 'they shouldn't be together' another thing that I get is the first question that I always get asked by a friend when I say I have a girlfriend is that 'does she have a disability' just because I have a disability doesn't mean that I can't have a partner without one? Sarah also had people say to her a number of times that she with me because 'she feels sorry for me' or that her love is 'fake' so a person without a disability can't fall in love with someone with a disability? I met Sarah and I fallen in love with her, and she fallen in love with me, why should the fact that i'm in a wheelchair be such a huge problem? we are just young people in love after-all.

my questions to you are what do you think about people with a disability being with someone without one? would it matter if somebody you fell in love with was in a wheelchair? and do you think the modern socirty ready to accept relationships between someone with a disability and someone without one? and why do you think people scare or think the person without a disability with their partner just because they feel sorry for them, or even think that the relationship 'fake?

 

[seddy-0]

its not whats on the outside.. its what lies in your heart and intentions that matters. i had a friend who was disabled, she was very cool to hang out with. very religious but still cool. she had a scooter and a dog with her at all times. now. had things gone a certain way. i'd totally have dated her. i didn't care that she was disabled, she was a good person. now we don't talk much anymore due to our lives going in total different directions but if she ever came back around, i'd def. hang with her again.

for me its nothing unusual to see an able-body date a disabled person. you can't look at some one for what they are on the outside.. you gotta look deep and see what lies in their heart. if their heart is good and connects with you..then go for it.

 

[Lirael]

Gosh, Stevie, your post is moving. If you ever want to talk about this, do feel free to contact me. *hugs*

First and foremost, people should never judge others for falling in love. It doesn't matter whether one person in the relationship has a disability or not. Like Seddy, I believe love is about what lies in your heart and your intentions. Love is about what you give to one another emotionally, as you build your own collective dreams and work as a team to achieve them.

It wouldn't matter to be if I fell in love with someone in a wheelchair because it's about how they make you feel, how you connect; the discussions you can have and the places you can visit together - all of that is still possible! I know I'd still find so many things to do. I'd look at the positive aspects of the relationship, making each day count.

People can have an accident at any point in life and end up paralysed. I don't think anyone with a heart would abandon their loved one if that happened. :/

Real love is so rare, so special, that a lot of people are never given that chance to understand it. This kinda goes hand in hand with them being judgemental... I don't think people judge because they mean any harm, or even out of fear. They judge because they're ignorant. They probably don't appreciate the depths love can reach and even if they do, they've never been in your shoes. Far too many people lack empathy. Those who ask questions may not realise just how hurtful their questions are either. :/ And in regards to the people who stare... They're idiots. You and Sarah are living the life you want! which is more than most people can say. Far too many people sacrifice what they want for what others expect.

I personally think your relationship with Sarah is beautiful. Your love sounds so deep! This depth has nothing to do with your disability; rather, your disability is something you have overcome together, and that is merely proof of just how much you mean to one another.

 

[UltimaWeapon5]

Stevie! I am here to post in response about experiences and things i've had with my disability, as I also have Osteogenesis Imperfecta, meaning that for my entire life i've always had to use a wheelchair, or walk with aid. I can understand the notion of society looking at you differently and feeling uneasy about being with a person you care for and having others judge you.

I think you're very lucky to have a girlfriend like the one you have - as Lirael said, it's very very rare to find genuine and strong love that can overlook physical attributes; I myself always feel that my attempts at relationships are strongly affected by my disability and my appearance. The limitations, the effort and the stress that is so apparent to people is often not one that can be accepted and understood by just anyone.

As a result, I've found many people will try to ignore the disability and try to treat you like a normal person, but deep down it is something that affects peoples minds. Society will always wonder, will always stare, will always judge. Society is stupid. Really, that's the truth. A lot of people just don't care enough to understand and everyone is so different in how they treat people. I guess from all this, just take the notion that society is stupid and you shouldn't feel any different than what or who you are.

I also recommend being very open about your disability with people; educate them, tell them your experiences and open up about it - because honestly, people like us who have disabilities are rare, and the world cannot understand our disabilities or lives if we keep secret about it. I recently wrote a Facebook note to all my friends with a short story about how i've developed with my disability to be where I am now. It's inspirational for some, eye-opening for others, but overall, it was how I tried to make my disability known to more people.

People will always ask questions, but if they don't ask questions, they will never hear an answer. I congratulate you and wish you all the best with your girlfriend - she is a very strong person to stand by you.

Of course, we are perfectly able to have normal relationships with people, but it depends on the type of person and how well they understand. Don't ever question whether or not you have a right to be loved. Society may make you feel down about it sometimes; Even I wonder if I deserve to have love. there's nothing wrong with us, but society puts it in our minds that we're different. Finding people who can break against this common thought - yes it is rare - but they're the smarter ones in the world and they are lucky to find love.

I don't know if anything i've said helps or is relevant, but if you want to talk more about disability and love, i have stories to tell, so feel free to message me ~

I wish you and Miss Sarah all the best ~!

 

[Mermaid]

Aw, Stevie.
People who look down on you two/find it really uncomfortable are just ignorant on topics such as disabilities, I think. It really is their problem, not yours. It can be hard to ignore what some people seem to think of you, but I think as long as you're both happy, what does it matter? You seem like a nice guy, that should be what matters, not a disability. I hate the fact that sometimes some disablities get diagnosed, and suddenly it's all you are. You seem to not be allowed a normal, regular life.

I have a mental 'disability' called Asperger Syndrome, a form of Autism. My intelligence is apparently meant to be above average (I don't think so), but my social communication skills are below par. I got diagnosed with it at 14 (I'm now 20), and somehow I suddenly felt as though it was what people judged me by. I was born with it, but only now was I being judged. I got a non-AS boyfriend, who was completely normal or whatever, and some of his mates were HARSH. It's obviously a bit different with me because only people who know me would be able to judge, but I got slack. It sucked. It's tough but you can rise above it. Like I said, it's ignorance.

Anyways onto your questions... I really wouldn't be bothered if I ended up with someone in a disability of any kind. It irks me people have been like this to you two because how could it be 'fake'? Having a physical disability doesn't do anything to how you think or behave.

Sorry for the rant, but disability is something quite close to my heart - both the mental and physical kind. If you ever wanna chat, PM me.

 

[Steve-O]

First off, thanks guys for all the comments..... and thanks for all the offers to chat.... I not really the fact that it bothers me too much or upset me, it just puts me down a bit with some of the comments I got, the worse one was the day when someone said that my girlfriend was a 'fake' Sarah always been there for me no matter what, and we both had our problems, but we got through them together, and to be honest, I had plenty of other relationships during my school years.. it something that I need to get use to, as this is my first relationship when my partner not had a disability of some kind. soo we both needed to get use to the looks we get when we are together, and we have started to just ignore it, Sarah still gets angry with the looks sometimes, but she getting there

UltimaWeapon, trust me I bet their a partner waiting for you out there, with a disability I leant that you need to find someone that can understand you, and understand the problems you face with your disability, I don't know if your seen the display picture that I have from my profile..... that i'm not the best looking guy in the whole world either.... but as people get older their ideas on love change.... and someone will see your inner self and your personally never give up, I almost did to the point that I almost didn't ask sarah out, because I just didn't want another relationship to go down the pan, i'm soo glad that I did

Kitty as i call you I to have what you got, I think that has been a problem with some of my relationships in the past... at times I think people are talking about me or doing stuff behind my back... or my temper would come out due to my Asperger at times. I always found it hard to meet friends with my TAR Syndrome anyway, with my Asperger on top it made it extra hard for me, I found this to be worse when talking to a girl I liked, I never knew what to say or I would just think 'she don't like me, cuz I don't look right' it something that I had to get over, and my girlfriend has showed me that it not all about looks, and if you love someone, they will be with you, no matter what disability or problem, Sarah showed me that even a person with a disability can find love with a kind, caring and good looking person. And I hope that I never lose her, that all I can say

 

[Mermaid]

Yay, Kitty! I like that nickname
Anyways, my boyfriend has Aspergers too, sometimes it seems better than mine, sometimes worse, and he had similar problems with girls. I used to be the same with boys until I hit about 15-16.
I'm happy you've found someone who seems worth it She sounds lovely!

 

[Will Graham]

Well I don't often see people with disabilities. Maybe one person a week and that's normally if I am walking by the centre for people with disabilities, or Brian who comes into the shop some weekends. I don't think I have ever seen a couple where one or both of the people had disabilities, though I can guess at how I'd react. It'd certainly draw my eye because it wouldn't be something I'd normally see. I don't think I'd be appalled though, quite the opposite. Love is love, and I'd be impressed that someone could put aside something like a severe disability (which I suppose shows my innate discrimination against people with disabilities). I don't think I am, or ever will be, a big enough person to fall in love with a disabled person. Which makes me a horrible person I guess

 

[Squid]

I've seen a few couples where one person is disabled and the other is not. Usually it is in older people though where they have become disabled due to just being old or something through life has happened. I think it's nice, seeing them together, knowing that the partner loves them enough to stay with them even though they are almost completely dependant on them due to their disability.

I have not so much seen it in younger people. In fact I don't think I've ever seen a young disabled person with a non disabled person it's a lot rarer. I don't mean to be rude but I could never see myself getting with someone disabled unless my partner became disabled while I was with him. I don't know if that makes me a terrible person or not. It probably does but I'd much rather a healthy partner and someone I could be attracted to. It's just how I am.

I see absolutely nothing wrong with someone wanting to be with someone disabled though. It is thair choice and if they love eachother then what's the issue?

 

[Catnip]

I don't care what other people do, so I never wonder about someone else's sex life or love life; with or without a disability. It's none of my business and I don't want it to be.

My boyfriend and I had relevant discussion before. I don't remember how the topic got to it, but he asked me if I would want him to take care of me if I wasn't able to move at all (the term for this escapes me entirely). I told him I'd want him to leave me, and he got really upset. He told me that he'd be selfish to my wants and stay with me, but he'd be sad because we wouldn't be able to wrestle ever again. He said he wouldn't want anyone else because he think I'm perfect and nobody can top me - but he said in a serious way that he was pretty passionate about. Which is really cool.

Anyways, it's all about the individual. You can't say "all disabled people can never have a lover" because that's a generalization, and those just don't work for assumptions. Generalizations are only good for statistics. That's it.