Poetry Raindrops on blood red roses

[Naoto Shirogane]

I stand to the sky
Sad and crushed
Among the blood red roses.

Raindrops lay on blood red roses. as I look to the sky.
Its darknening sky gives way to the light that is hope.
I stand here and look up to that sky Just to wonder why

Light and Dark Hope and Death
Why must the good be so bad?

When those Raindrops lay on blood red roses.
And people cry their tears of Fear.
When life's End has come here.
To lay its mark on those that are near.

It gives way to light. light of hope.
Yet its rays are not of help.
They shred us and make us scream.
"Your ways failed! why couldnt you help us!?"

In times of need we pick the light.
only to realise our actions.
to see the way out is through hell.
We then turn to death instead.

We ask Death to free us from our pain.
To block out lights painful rays.
to watch as Death takes our Loved ones into a Peaceful slumber.
Only to then wonder.
Why our friends are gone.

We cry and cry on bloodred roses.
as the light of hope shines on.
Its gimmer and Glow is Hollow and black
as it drains away our love.

How could the sun shine on such a tragic day.
when its actions Kill us all?
When tears of blood are all thats left.
to shed on Lights victims hearts

Death comes to save our Beloved.
To free them from their pain.
to mock the light.
To excalim "You hold no place here!"
To the light that always Seems to Fail.

When our friends are gone We crumble.
To wonder if Death was right.
and that is ways are Release
If light was the correct one.
If pain is the way to Heal someone.
Our actions soon catch up with our Hearts.

Raindrops on blood red roses.
we stand amongst their Petals.
to grive as Death takes our loved ones.
and it seems. They cry tears too.
Blood red ones.


Twas a poem created by Moi for the birthweek event. Never got in dont know why. but Meh.

It focuses on how we Try to help our Dying friends. only to Suffer when we realise how much pain the "Help is going through" so we say "Stop!" and let Death put an end to their Pain.

It alos focuses on our feelings around the actions we take in theese conditions.

 

[nomad]

You have the idea of symbolizing things right. You make it really clear that light is hope. A little too clear, actually. Try to be more subtle than saying "the light that is hope" and "the light of hope." But you need to take your metaphors to the next level. Try to work with concrete objects or experiences and make them metaphors for something figurative. Light and hope are both very airy concepts that it doesn't mean much when one stands for the other.

I find it unappealing to read about light vs. darkness. A lot of people start out talking about these things, but they do not create any good imagery in the mind's eye. If you are trying to make a visual representation, talk about objects, places, gestures, movement, etc. And of course, your metaphors will be more powerful if you use things that people can picture and relate to, not just light and dark.

Another recommendation would be to try to cut down on meaningless repetitions and revisiting the same concept over and over throughout the poem. You could stand to be a little more concise without losing meaning.