Serious Selfish?

[T i f a]

Basically, I'm 20 and all my friends are pregnant, well most of them who are not at university. We were talking and my best friend, asked me when I was having my kids. I said, "Not on the life-plan" she almost spat her drink at me. She told me I will change my mind once I hit 37 and do IVF and I should start breeding asap. Her other friends agreed that I was selfish.

I felt a bit put out, since I don't want my OWN kids. I feel that the world is too overpopulated and I wouldn't want to bring my own child into it, because what a mess it has become. There is a selfish side to it as well. I want to see the world with no responsibility. I want to a large amount of traveling when I leave university.
I'm planning to move to China, possibly Beijing and adopting when I'm 26 (with/without partner). And have done everything I wish to have.
I just keep getting pestered about kids from my friends, some of them are a bit sore that I'm at university and putting my life before that of creating life.

 

[Soul Saver]

Selfish? Wtf?

You don't have to bring children into the world. People shouldn't be bound to having kids at some point in their lives.
That sort of "everyone must have kids" mentality is silly, to say the least.

 

[Daenerys]

Oh lord no, it's not selfish at all. How can you be selfish for choosing yourself over something that doesn't exist yet. And, it's probably more fair for you to want a child after you've done everything you want to do, otherwise you'll always regret it and some of the negativity will be taken out on the child, which isn't fair. Some people just aren't maternal/paternal, and don't want kids. This doesn't make them selfish, it's just a different life choice.

 

[T i f a]

That what I thought. I don't even have a boyfriend, or a stable job. I was only a teenager 2 months ago, going clubbing etc. I know but they keep nagging at me saying when your 30, your past your sell by date.
But tbh I thought what they were doing was selfish, they had kids at 18/19/20 and go clubbing and leave the kids with their mums.

 

[Bambi]

I have a child, but I would not say you were being selfish AT ALL. Whats wrong with not wanting children, theres plenty of time for you to change your mind and experience all the things you want to do before you commit to bringing a kid up.

My aunty doesn't have children, she's just not maternal, doesn't want them. It's not selfish; it's a choice and living her life how SHE wants to live it

Try not to be too put out by these girls, just because you don't agree on something does NOT make you selfish

 

[T i f a]

I would say I am maternal. I have a few godchildren and I'm an aunty. Who I adore. But I just don't want them from myself. I do believe I am a little too young.

 

[Toxic Variations]

My advice, to you, is this: Live your life the way you WANT TO. It's your body and it's your future and if you don't want children, of your own, then to hell with what anyone, especially your friends, have to say. They aren't you and they don't have to walk in your shoes! You have your own dreams, aspirations, hopes - you're an individual and your different, you must certainly don't have to pop out kids, because it's what is expected and it's what is proper. Having a child is a major responsibility - you give a part of yourself to that child, your life and everything in it is devoted to that life you made. You're not selfish at all! Live your life the way you want to, like I said previously and other people can live theirs the way they choose.

 

[Soul Saver]

My advice, to you, is this: Live your life the way you WANT TO. It's your body and it's your future and if you don't want children, of your own, then to hell with what anyone, especially your friends, have to say. They aren't you and they don't have to walk in your shoes! You have your own dreams, aspirations, hopes - you're an individual and your different, you must certainly don't have to pop out kids, because it's what is expected and it's what is proper. Having a child is a major responsibility - you give a part of yourself to that child, your life and everything in it is devoted to that life you made. You're not selfish at all! Live your life the way you want to, like I said previously and other people can live theirs the way they choose.

QFT.

Don't do things just because of peer pressure, do what you want to do.

 

[T i f a]

Thanks, these replies have made me feel better about myself.
I mean its not exactly what they said its the way they said it.
Like I needed to do it NOW. I mean I have plenty time to pop one
out (if I ever which I very much doubt) changed my mind.

 

[Fusilli]

I hate to be blunt, but your friends sound like arses. There is nothing worse than condescending people who try to push their beliefs on others, which is exactly what they are trying to do to you. God, I'm only 16 and don't know if I want kids at all, but I know that if I were to I would wait until I'm atleast 25... although I still see that as a bit young. They take up all of your time and change your life forever, which is a massive responsibility and personally I don't see how I could cope at 20, in many ways; emotionally, financially and just generally making time for them. It seems the sensible thing to me to wait until I have enough money, aswell as being able to take proper care of a child. What's the point in having a kid now if you can't look after it properly? That's not really fair on the child... there's no point in having kids just for the sake of saying 'I'm a responsible and caring adult' because that's just stupid. Besides, not everybody wants children and that's perfectly okay - everybody's different. Some people want to settle down right away whereas other people have their own goals and aspirations they want to achieve. I know that I want to travel the world when I'm older and do stuff that children would just get in the way off. I couldn't care less if some preacher friend of mine tells me I'm selfish, because let's face it, there IS no unselfish thing to do.

 

[T i f a]

I agree with you. My mum had her first child at 32. My sister who is 27 now.
My mum said she made sure she did everything first before deciding on kids.
And I'm happy she did. She made it clear we were all wanted. Her mother had her at 20 and made it clear my mum was a mistake. Bless my Gran she's never been on a plane.

 

[L]

Basically, I'm 20 and all my friends are pregnant, well most of them who are not at university. We were talking and my best friend, asked me when I was having my kids. I said, "Not on the life-plan" she almost spat her drink at me. She told me I will change my mind once I hit 37 and do IVF and I should start breeding asap. Her other friends agreed that I was selfish.

Ask them how painful shoving their baby out of their vaginas was.

I know I wouldn't wanna give birth to a child. Not just cos I hate kids, but because I can imagine it being extremely painful.

But yar, your friends are stupid for calling you selfish. it's not every person's greatest desire to birth a child. I for one, would rather be doing many other things than giving birth to a child, tbh. I mean, you are only 20. You really don't wanna feel like the wrinkles are growing on your forehead until you're older. xD

I know two years from now, I definitely wouldn't be able to handle a child adequately and would not want to. Selfish as it may be to want to have my own time to myself, I'd rather have time to myself than changing a shitty diaper three times a day. There's that, and you usually have to get a job to make a living.

kids + job = shit for free time.

When you're young, you're supposed to be able to enjoy life! not slave over the poopy diapers, the stove, and whatever else moms slave over

 

[frostybanana]

I disagree, you should totally have kids and further populate our civilization with inbred morons.

No reason to have such a bad image of what being a parent could be like. If you're living in the 50s, SURE, have fun cooking dinner. Now, it's not so linear.

Anyways, it's cool that you don't want to have kids. I don't either. But that's because I'm too lazy and irresponsible.

You're friends sound like the prissy douchebags you have to deal with in high school. I'm, personally, getting as far away from them as possible.

"Oh, Janet, check out my prada bag! When are you getting yours?!!!" *high pitched giggle*

Do some substituting and it might seem familiar.

 

[Moogles]

Selfish? Nah. Your reasons for not wanting to have children are completely reasonable. Not wanting to bring children into this twisted world isn't selfish; in fact, it's the total opposite. Planning to adopt a child who lacks parents--and likely a stable life--is selfish? I'd ask your friends to explain that one as well.

Even if your reasons weren't reasonable, it's your business and yours alone. Not your friends' place to judge.

 

[L]

No reason to have such a bad image of what being a parent could be like. If you're living in the 50s, SURE, have fun cooking dinner. Now, it's not so linear.

You've quite missed the mark. ;p

The point is, is that as a parent (unless you're shit at being one) , you will always be busy doing something to take care of your children. Based off observation of my own parents and a few others, anyway.

 

[Mitsuki]

Like many others have stated, there is nothing selfish about the whole matter at all. If you don't want kids, then that's that. Your friends should be able to understand that - I mean heck, I'm sure they know how hard it is to be a parent. To be honest, it's perfectly normal for other people to tell others, "You might change your mind about having kids in five to ten years or so." That's fine, I see nothing wrong with that, as long as they don't give you that "I can't believe what you're saying!" look. But to tell someone that they are "selfish" is beyond ridiculous, and I would surely be mad too, although I really wouldn't take what they say to heart since I just can't fathom as to how that is selfish really.

You mentioned that you plan to adopt a child when you're 26...now THAT is very unselfish of you. You'd actually help a little one make a life out there, and you'll be the one there to guide him or her. Thumbs up to you!

 

[Rydia]

Ok, why do they think you should be having kids asap, as in 20? By today's standards, that in incredibly young, and not a good idea of you are in college.

And no, it is not selfish to not want to have kids. I'm not sure if I even want to have kids. Right now, there is so many other things that I would like to accomplish before I settle down and have a family. Though I can imagine myself wanting kids when I near 30, but who knows. Your friends should really respect your decision on this matter. It is silly to think that someone is obligated to pass on their genes.

And if you go into adoption, here's my advice. Know what you are getting into. Some of those children do have behavior problems that can be a real pain to deal with. Also make sure that you go through a good adoption agency, cause trust me, there's a lot of crappy ones out there.

 

[frostybanana]

You've quite missed the mark. ;p

The point is, is that as a parent (unless you're shit at being one) , you will always be busy doing something to take care of your children. Based off observation of my own parents and a few others, anyway.

word.

i get what you're saying, but one thing that will probably happen, and i'm not saying it will, but it could, is that you'll find yourself with a LOT more spare time when you hit 30. 20 is pretty young, 30 is when you get a bit more settled. Not saying it will happen. You never know what's going to happen in 10 years and you might think back 10 years ago and realize you might've been a bit stubborn.

hypothetically...

 

[Scarlet]

I don't think your selfish at all. God for bid a woman wants to finish college, become successful in life, and gain respect in society. Your friends sound like that they're jealous of you. They'll have a much harder going back to school and they don't have as much freedom as you.

(I don't want to offend anyone's parenting skills! Sorry if I do.) You're friends are the ones who are selfish. They have kids and drop them off of their mother's houses? As parents they should be with their babies as much as possible and have their baby attach to them. They should not be clubbing, hanging out, or drinking. Sure, once in a while is fine but they should be with their kids as much as possible.

You're friends sound really pathetic, no offense. Screw them, live your own life how you want.

Women are also having kids at an older age now. Around here most women don't have kids until their 30-40.

 

[Rockman X]

That what I thought. I don't even have a boyfriend, or a stable job. I was only a teenager 2 months ago, going clubbing etc. I know but they keep nagging at me saying when your 30, your past your sell by date.
But tbh I thought what they were doing was selfish, they had kids at 18/19/20 and go clubbing and leave the kids with their mums.

I feel sorry for their kids. Not only is it incredibly selfish of them to leave their kids with their parents...but how do they think thats gonna affect the kids? I think I'd feel a little unwanted if I grew up with a mom who always partied and just dropped me off at my grandma's.

IMHO your friends are douchebags and regret having kids, and now they want to see you in the same boat because if you went on to have a full life, it would just rub it in their faces that they made mistakes.

Having a kid is fine, but you should have one on your own terms and when you're ready to settle down. Get all the traveling and partying and whatever the hell else out of the way with, find a stable job with good health care and income and THEN it would be feasible to have a kid. Well, that's if you want to be a nurturing parent and give the kid a decent childhood.

So bottom line, no, you're not being selfish and I think your friends are.