Serious Something just doesn't seem Right

[Irihi]

I really wanted to get people's opinions on this, because it's really starting to eat me up inside so here goes.

Lately my husband has been texting, calling, and hanging out with this girl. He says he went to high school with her but they just recently started talking, well everytime I ask to see what they are talking about he says no or will delete their conversation so I can't read it. He'll even do it right before he goes to bed thinking i'll get up in the middle of the night to read their conversation.

I tried to add her on facebook, just to be friendly, not to start anything. The first thing she did was text me husband saying, "Your Wife or 'Whatever' she is just request to be friends with me.' They had a whole conversation about it, and instead of denying my request or accepting she decided to let it sit claiming that she 'didn't know me' to be able to accept me. But that was the whole point in me trying to add her, so we could get to know one another. My husband defends her everytime I say something nasty about her and didn't tell me that he went and hung out with her, ALONE, the other day while my son and I sat at the house all day. He was claiming to work on his car, but he lied and I just found this out lastnight while in the middle of eating out.

It completely ruined my dinner. Anyways this morning I decided to actually check his phone, I do have trust issues with him because he has cheated on me 7 times, all while we were just dating, four of them while I was pregnant with our son. Anyways when I went to check his phone he had put a security check lock on it, doesn't that seem sketchy? I know his FB pass and hopped on to see what was going on, he's also been talking to this girl whom he said he 'Hated' one that sent him half nude pics when we were dating. She said she doesn't have her phone on now but when she does he'll be the first one she texts, now am I wrong or is marriage a sacred bond that you are completely devoted and committed to your spouse?

I just don't understand why he is doing this and deep down in my gut I just keep getting this feeling that he is cheating on me again, he won't take me out with him anymore saying he's just going to work on his car, he stays out till REALLY late and won't come home to till after one, this other morning it wasn't until after 5:30 that he came home, and we don't get to spend time together at all.

He acts like nothing is different, still being somewhat affectionate, no where near as much as before, and everytime I try to talk to him about it he gets mad and goes off on me saying I need to stop accusing him of cheating before he actually goes out and does it.

Can you blame me? He's cheated on me 7 times already, I was in the hospital on Valentine's day because I thought I was losing our Son and he was with this chick screwing her, his Bestfriend is the one that came and sat with me at the hospital and the chick had the nerve to text his friend saying that it wasn't her fault my husband didn't want to be there, he could leave anytime he wanted to that she wasn't stopping him.

To this day that chick, everytime I see her, she won't look me in the eye. I guess it's because I told her the next I saw her I was going to show her what I really though of her. I just don't know what to think anymore, I don't know how to get proof that my husband is cheating and he's not just going to openly tell me that he is. He says 'What I can't have friends that are girls?' I tell him no because all my friends that were guys I had to drop because he didn't like me talking or hanging out with them even though I've been completely faithful to him and have NEVER thought of cheating on him, it's not how I was raised.

What do you guys think? I just...needed my story to be heard out, and I want to know what you all think I should do, people say 'Leave him' but I don't have proof he is cheating.

 

[Mermaid]

I'm sorry to say, but if he has indeed cheated about 7 times, what makes you think he cannot do it again? It sounds too fishy to me. I know you have a child together so it makes things hard, and I understand it'll be tough to stop it all when you have a son, but maybe it's for the best. I'm sorry you are going through this sweetie. PM if you ever need to chat...

 

[Irihi]

It does sound extremely fishy, and see his best friend's Wife, she and I talk about it all the time and even she agrees that something just doesn't quite seem right there. I've never cheated on my husband but he's accused me of it a lot and when he does that It's a sign he's doing something he's not supposed to be doing. My mother always said 'The guilty with accuse.' It just kills me, I mean it hurts me feelings all the time when he goes out without my son and I, makes me think he doesn't want to be around us...I just don't know what to do anymore and I hate to just be completely biased when I talk about the girl but she is very unattractive in every sense, my husband even told her about how I had suspicions that they were messing around. She laughed about it and said 'No'. But....doesn't that seem like all the signs of cheating?

 

[Lirael]

I was in the hospital on Valentine's day because I thought I was losing our Son and he was with this chick screwing her

First of all, could I ask: why did you marry this guy? He wasn't there to support you at a crucial stage in both of your lives and the life of your son. What's more (and slightly heartbreaking), he wasn't there because he was with another woman, which is possibly the worst excuse/reason anyone can give. I doubt he'll support you in the future. :/ (that sounds so blunt and cold! Sorry.)

all my friends that were guys I had to drop because he didn't like me talking or hanging out with them even though I've been completely faithful to him and have NEVER thought of cheating on him

Also this... It suggests that he is manpulative. Whilst he may not abuse you physically (you haven't mentioned that he does), he is abusive. He has distanced you from people who were once important to you. You sacrificed a lot for him in the name of love, which I can't criticise you for because I've been there before and done it myself. However, I can tell you that it was wrong for you to have done that. You shouldn't have had to. :/

The fact he asked you to stop talking to your male friends combined with his mysterious talking to girls just makes alarm bells ring! :/

he has cheated on me 7 times, all while we were just dating, four of them while I was pregnant with our son

Did he know you were pregnant? *hugs* If so, that accenuates the immorality of his behaviour and makes it far worse.

I've never cheated on my husband but he's accused me of it a lot and when he does that It's a sign he's doing something he's not supposed to be doing.

Here we have another example of abusive behaviour. He's possessive, by the sounds of it. He enjoys having you there, but treats you like dirt. He thinks little of your feelings.

Personally, from what I've read, it doesn't matter whether he's cheating right now. He is not a good father. He is not a good partner. If he is cheating again, and from what I have read, I'm almost positive that he is, you need to leave. There's no point confronting him about it, though. :/ He'll probably deny it...

Perhaps you should leave for a short while 'to think' and see what his response is? Try to give you and him some space, time to reflect. Distance can help a lot, even if it means you both come to decisions that at the moment seem less than ideal.

I know it's hard. It's not easy to give up on something when/if you have hope. It's not easy to lose the people you love - but the future could be even harder if you stay with him.

If you need any personal advice, feel free to PM me or add me on msn (I can PM you my email if you want it).

Edit: I would also like to add that you're young! This means two things. First of all, you're still learning, so mistakes here and there will happen, but don't make a mistake that could cost you your future happiness.

Secondly, your youth means you have so many opportunities lying ahead! Relationships to develop and explore, a career to build, and a son to invest time in, love and raise. This guy is NOT crucial. No guy who does that is, but the point is you'll meet so many more people, given the freedom away from him to do so, and you'll develop positive relationships which will make you feel whole again. I am willing to bet that if you're not sorely unhappy, you're drifting. Don't drift any longer. Losing him might hurt at first, but in the long term, you'll come out feeling brighter and better and more like yourself than you've probably felt in a long long time. You'll feel restored and renewed. Don't lose yourself!

Now is the time to live positively. Now is the time to reach out for what matters. Now is the time to use our past mistakes to build strong foundations for a bright, rewarding future.

 

[Shu]

Moved to Temple of the Ancients.. - I'll respond after lunch though for the actual topic. - for now, all I say is.. stay in there.

-- mm soup and back

Alright, I used to empathize with folks who were cheated on and etc etc. Since I've had it happen to me twice with an ex. Gave her the benefit, and then said.. eff it on the 2nd time. So let me start off by saying..

Your life is not something to be lived on egg shells. You love someone, but you don't want to push them away out of confrontation. Though, I will say one thing, he will never let you see the phone convos. If he keeps this up, who knows what else he could be doing aside from cheating on you. Watch your bankroll, that's all I'm saying.. these folks are pathological.

Seven times? Alright.. let me break this down. You need to respect yourself and say.. you need something. There are plenty of people out there who are willing to reciprocate the same kind of love you have for you husband. Being married people use it as an excuse as a fall back plan.. so if they cheat on you, you'll still be with him.

Well guess what? If you spend all your time worrying, all your time analyzing every little detail, you have to wake up one day and say... well is he worth your time?

I've seen some folks work their way through cheating. Though, I will say this.. it will never be the same. Why put up with it? I'm sure there are friends you have.. unless he's put the distance between them and you.

If you are living your life to serve him.. you are gravely mistaken. Those times have changed. You'll establish psychological complexes inside your head. You will start being OCD about the stupid crap. You'll end up mental and alone after he finds someone else who will take more shit than you.

I don't know the fella, but 7 times.. come on. Get some respect girl. Take it easy..

 

[ribbit]

I agree completely with Lirael. After he cheated on you the second time you should've been thinking about leaving him. I can understand wanting to give him a second chance after the first time, but if he's gone and done it another 6 times, there's really something wrong with him and the relationship. Not to mention the emotional part of it. He appears to be very controlling and hypocritical. Had he cheated on you before you were married at all? That would've been the warning sign to get out if it's true :\ If he continues, you're going to have to leave him. 7 times cheating is a lot, and not good for you or your son. It may be hard, but it would be for the better. You deserve much better than that.

 

[Harlequin]

I don't know the fella, but 7 times.. come on. Get some respect girl. Take it easy..

I agree with Shu here. Pretty brutal but the best advice always is. He doesn't respect you, move on or endure a lifetime of this crap. You don't need any kind of proof to leave him and you're better off without this type of thing in your life, especially with a son to look after.

 

[Rapture]

7 times My heart really pours out for you, cheating is like a hot poker to the heart.

I understand you love him and you are married, you have a child and etc. However, there comes a point where you are so emotionally worn down and mentally drained because the relationship is so toxic and you really need to rid yourself of this circular relationship of lies and cheating.

My first thought is that if you think the relationship is honestly worth putting the effort into even still...and you think you can forgive him at some point, I personally would suggest couples counseling. Try it and see how it works out. If it doesn't work, you can always say you did everything you could to be able to save the relationship.

If it were me, I wouldn't even bother with the other woman. Leave her to herself. To me, she wouldn't even be worth my time.

I wouldn't even bother trying to see the text messages and etc. MOST of the time physically seeing evidence of infidelity is just a small affirmation of what you already feel you know is going on in your heart. ...and like you said, I would've already taken cues to the fact that he is being so secretory and spending so much time away from you with little to no explanation to you.

Ultimately, its up to you though. I can understand how a situation like this would tear someone up inside. I wish for the best for you x

 

[Richard B Riddick]

I've known people like your husband in the past.

Based on experience, I would say they're narcissistic, egotistical, man babies with the minds of 12 year olds.

They think cheating on someone means they're "clever" and "smooth". They like to pretend they're a "pimp" who is "breaking the rules" and "abusing the system".

Its a power & control thing and a way of bullying or abusing people, also. In the way that some middle eastern men like to pretend they're "badasses" for oppressing women.

See what he does? He purposely drags it out and makes it obvious something might not be right. Maybe because he gets off on it? Then he tries to convince himself hes a rocket scientist for not letting you see messages. Like, hes smart or clever. In his mind hes probably thinking: im getting away with this im such a "badass" and "pimp".

But, of course, he's likely too much of a coward and a chicken to pick on someone who isn't a lot smaller and weaker than he is.

Probably a typical person who wants to pretend they're something by being oppressive and douchebaggy.

But, then, a lot of people are probably like that including a good number of women... So, no big deal, maybe?

 

[Ilyena]

7 times and you still married him?

I'm with the people who have told you to leave him. Anyone who cheats on you seven times and sleeps with another woman while you're in the hospital having his child has no respect for you whatsoever and never will. Your gut instinct is probably correct as you've been through it with him seven times before. He already expects that if you do find out he's cheating, you'll just forgive him like you have before. I say let him go and get on with your life.

 

[Squid]

What do you guys think? I just...needed my story to be heard out, and I want to know what you all think I should do, people say 'Leave him' but I don't have proof he is cheating.

I was reading it and cringing at how little respect you have for yourself. There is no point buttering it up because you've had plenty of time to get yourself out of this situation.

You don't have proof he's cheating on you... except he's cheated on you 7 times before that and that is MORE than enough reason to get the heck out of the relationship... I don't know why some women do this to themselves, it's sad. He knows you don't have any respect for yourself so he's gonna keep doing it knowing you'll never leave him because 'he says he loves me and he might change one day' No. No. No.

Also you're not really setting a good example for your kid.

Get out. If not for yourself, then for your kid. Or accept your husband is a dropkick and hang about.

 

[Kandy-Sugar]

Yeah I would never have married the dude regardless if I was pregnant or not.

Steve never hides anything from me.

Anyone who put locks on their phone and such are definitely doing something wrong. My friend had the same thing happen to her and when she did find out his code she logged in and found a heap of nudes from some chick he used to be with. She of course was dumb and stayed with him.

Anyone who forgives someone for cheating and stays with said person is just silly. There is no good excuse for cheating and there is no reason why anyone should put up with it.

Steve knows very well that I'm outta there if he does anything like that and it's the same with me. He's been cheated on before and he knows that it's just a horrible feeling to have, knowing you can't trust that person anymore.

There are men out there that are decent and would never do this to the one they were with. You really shouldn't hang around too long in the hopes he might change because he's obviously not sorry for screwing around now, so he won't be in however many years time more than likely.

He really does sound suss. I don't even get why these guys want a girlfriend/wife/kid etc etc if all they want is to stick their willy in anything that walks. Why they put themselves in a situation that they're obviously not committed to is beyond me, but you really don't need to put yourself in this situation either.

As I always say, if it doesn't feel right then it more than likely isn't. =/

Hope you sort this shitty situation out. Don't let him put you in danger either. Who knows if he's wearing protection or not when he's out? He could be giving you anything that will end up staying with you far longer than he will unfortunately. =/

 

[Six]

I agree with Tyler on this fully.

Although I will say, I can only partially say I get how you feel, moving on, and making that decisionis never going to be easy, but just read your own story there for a second. He cheated on you seven times, and you're with him not because you do not have prove of the current situations.

I respect privacy a lot, despite the fact in the past I felt the need to check for myself, too, either because people made me feel insecure, or because the situation didn't add up. To be honest, if you think about it, that should not be the way. If something concerns you or bothers you, sure, he may get upset with thinking you don't trust him, but you have to work the issue out together, and from reading your story, he is not putting you at ease with what he's doing, while if you think about it, weere he to do that? YOU would feel better, and he would to.

So, no, I don't blame you feeling the way you do. Honestly, think about you and your little one here. The thought is scary, but judging from your story, this guy honestly isn't worth it. It might take you a while to realize this, but don't let him get the better of you and do it again. Get smart before that.

Best of luck. =/

 

[Richard B Riddick]

This is the type of thing where you wish you could threaten him into submission with child support payments and make a real man out of him, huh?

You have kids and a family. Man up. Stop playing childish, elementary school, whose sleeping in whose bed, games.

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Once I was sitting in front of a wal mart at around 1 am in the morning & a group of women employees were taking their break chatting...

I could hear them talking. One of them was talking about her boyfriend or husband cheating on her. She's all...

"I grabbed him by the balls and squeezed and twisted as hard as I could & he was screaming..."

And, later on, she was talking about how the police eventually came and had to pull her off of him.

That's the type of woman your husband needs to fool around with, I'm thinking...

Strangely enough, I always walk in on women saying things like that. Once, I walked in on my aunt when she was sitting with other relatives saying things like: "I control all the finances. TOTAL CONTROL". lol It was kind of funny.

 

[Bambi]

I'm amazed you stayed with him after being cheated on not once, but seven times? WHo needs proof that hes cheating now, thats more than enough reason to fuck off and go - or boot him out. Have the locks changed while hes off 'working on his car'

I have a kid myself and left my ex when she was still a new born. Just becasue you have a child together shouldnt make leaving him more complicated, if anything it makes leaving him more important. Once she came along I wasn't putting up with his crap anymore and told him to jog the fuck on. The dude will liekly try emotionally blackmailing you, but you just have to rise above it. He told me if I left him he was gunna go kill himself. I told him I couldn't wait to hear the news he was finally dead and out of my hair forever. Funnily enough, 6 years later, he's still alive and kicking

You do need to be ruthless and get rid though. I find it hard to sympathise when you have allowed him to get away with this so often, to forgive him once, I could just about find acceptable, but 7 times?! Are you insane? Married or not - he's ruined it not you, so you shouldn't feel like you are the one throwing the marriage away and pushing the father of your kid out the door. He's brought it on himself. He knows youre a push over and is massively taking the piss

Do you really want your kid to grow up thinking it's ok to treat people like that? Becasue that's what will happen if nothing changes.

 

[Irihi]

So um...guys I've made up my mind, I'm leaving my husband. This morning I got on his phone, after finding out the security code, and seen her sent nude pictures to another girl and after getting on his FB he sent about 5 messages to 5 different girls asking them if they wanted to hook up, one of the agreed to do it tonight and what makes it worse...I'm friends with the girl...I feel like puking right now or just curling up into a ball and disappearing.

The weird thing is however, is that he told the girl how I came back to him and how he's about to 'Screw' everything up. The original word I didn't think would be appropriate to put on her. He kept calling her baby, told her he loved her. So I've made up my mind, I'm not putting up with it anymore. I'm leaving him for good, I've done dealt with this too much. I'm not doing it anymore.

 

[Squid]

I'm very glad to hear this, I hope you go through with it. There is no point wasting you or your kid's life away on a man who doesn't give your feelings a second thought. You'll probably find someone much nicer down the track anyway!

 

[Irihi]

I never thought I would ever go through something like this, I swore that after I seen my mom go through it that I wouldn't and yet I made every mistake she did. The only good thing that came from this was my son, he's my everything and without him I don't know what I'd do.

 

[Irihi]

Honestly this whole thing has just made me sick to my stomach and I hate to say this because it's been over two months now but I think I might be pregnant again. This really freaking sucks you guys, but I will do what I must to ensure the good future for my children, my husband is acting exactly like his dead beat father did.

 

[Thief of Hearts Joker]

Well I've read this from the first page and I'd like to say good for you, I wish more women would leave their Abusive/Cheating spouses more to keep from getting hurt, but it seems like something is always holding them back from doing it.

I'm glad you've made up your mind and I wish you the best of luck on creating a new life for yourself and your child