Spoiler alert: the elves are STILL on strike and will continue to go on strike after New Year.
 E N T R Y - # 1Snow Place Like Home |
It was before dawnâs break that Quina opened up their beady eyes at the sound of their alarm clock chiming off. After turning it off s/he unraveled their tongue and sat over the edge of the bed, wiping away the crusties from underneath their eyes and letting out a little sniff before blowing their non-existent nose.
Standing up s/he put on their hat and robe, shuffling out of the room and down the hall in soft fuzzy frog slippers as s/he made their way down into the kitchen. Turning on the light s/he made their way up to the coffee pot where s/he brewed up a fresh pot whilst glancing out the window at the early moon sky. The smell of fresh Kirman in the morning was a welcoming aroma to the Qu, and before long the pot was finished as s/he poured it out into the frog-shaped mug.
Quietly shuffling out to the front door the Qu opened it and glanced outside, noting the deep amount of snow from last nightâs blizzard. S/he dug around for the morning paper and quietly closed the door, walking back in as s/he began to read.
After another cup of coffee the Qu made a quick breakfast of some scrambled Chocobo eggs and a glass of gysahl juice before shuffling back into their bedroom and kicking off their little froggy slippers. S/he took her time slowly putting on layers of socks and jackets before pulling out a large coat and zipping it up. A set of earmuffs, gloves and an extra hat added one extra layer of protection, and soon the Qu was out the door into the garage.
S/he scratched their head under their thick hat and pulled on the string of the snowblower, giving it a few more pulls before the engine started and the motor began to roll. The Qu walked to the front of the house and started at one end of the driveway, walking down one end before turning and walking up the other.
S/he then walked down one end, blowing the snow to the side, and walked up to the other. S/he turned to the side and then proceeded to walk down to the other end, blowing the snow to the other side, and walked up to the other. S/he turned to the side and then proceeded to walk down to the other end, blowing the snow to the other side, and walked up to the other. S/he turned to the side and then proceeded to walk down to the other end, blowing the snow to the other side, and walked up to the other. S/he turned to the side and then proceeded to walk down to the other end, blowing the snow to the other side, and walked up to the other. S/he turned to the side and then proceeded to walk down to the other end, blowing the snow to the other side, and walked up to the other. S/he turned to the side and then proceeded to walk down to the other end, blowing the snow to the other side, and walked up to the other. S/he turned to the side and then proceeded to walk down to the other end, blowing the snow to the other side, and walked up to the other. S/he turned to the side and then proceeded to walk down to the other end, blowing the snow to the other side, and walked up to the other. S/he turned to the side and then proceeded to walk down to the other end, blowing the snow to the other side, and walked up to the other. S/he turned to the side and then proceeded to walk down to the other end, blowing the snow to the other side, and walked up to the other. S/he turned to the side and then proceeded to walk down to the other end, blowing the snow to the other side, and walked up to the other. S/he turned to the side and then proceeded to walk down to the other end, blowing the snow to the other side, and walked up to the other.
Impressed with their work, Quina stopped a moment to admire the work that s/he had done, wiping their brow before retiring the snowblower back into the garage, closing the door, and retiring inside the house for another fresh pot of Kirman coffee.
The end.
| E N T R Y - # 2 How's your mother |
Cloud Strife meets his real-life father, not the one about which he has only heard constant rumors in hamlet.
Cloud: All villagers said that after you met mom, you gave your life on the battlefield. They despised her for not being married to you before I was born. So I want to become the strongest man to protect her⌠This is just a dream, right?!
Cloudâs dad: NoâŚ
Cloud: If my mom doesn't confirm about you, I will never trust you. Now I feel regret since Iâve run out of our home right after hearing about the truth⌠Hey, I guess this thing is yours.
Cloud gives him a necklace lost half of the photo. Cloudâs dad takes another piece of the image from his pocket and then attaches it to the necklace. The photo completely shows a picture of both him and Claudia.
Cloud: Thatâs it. Magic never tells a lie. You're goddamn my dad.
Cloud hugs his dad. Feeling his sonâs warmth around the body, Cloudâs dad thinks: Thank God! He knows how to cuss. Truly my son.
Cloud: Why did you just f*cking disappear, leaving us alone under poverty and risk for many years? Honestly, I thought about killing you. But⌠Happiness can exist only in acceptance. Mom said that. So youâre still my bad father.
Seeing the son begins to cry, Cloudâs dad intends to console him. But Cloud suddenly told him: Father. Though it isnât the right time, thereâs a question I want to ask you. IâŚI like a girl in my hometown. Even now, Iâve become a soldier, but still dunno how to make her like meâŚ
A voice raised in the head of Cloudâs dad: We have no time. Make it quick.
Cloudâs dad understands and tells Cloud: Help her.
Cloud: What?
Cloudâs dad: A woman likes a man to help. Thatâs how our family always gets all beautiful women so far. Be a gentleman.
Cloud: Wow! Itâs simple⌠but okay. If you say so.
Cloudâs dad: Yes, son. Help them and make them pay.
He then thinks to himself: I'm so happy, guys. First time teaching my son.
The voice inside him: Not proud of it. You just make him follow the unfortunate path of your familyâŚ
Cloud tells his dad: I almost forgot. Dad, I must complete my duty. Wait for me a minute.
Cloud turns his back on his dad to open his cell phone. âHappy enough? Now erase his memory. Use it,â A voice raises inside Cloudâs dad. Taking an item in his pocket, he whispers, âI canât,â
The voice: Now or never.
Cloudâs dad: Since we have all escaped from Cetra world, I can meet my real son right here. I⌠I have to take him with me.
The voice: Are you nut? Stick to the plan.
Cloud turns to his dad and says with joy: Itâs pretty late, but we still go back to mom either way. Right? Iâm pleased to introduce you to my hero and friends. Theyâre also my teamâŚ
Cloudâs dad felt cold. He said: No, son. I think we shouldâŚ
âThere you are, country boy,â Zack said from behind Cloudâs dad. Cloud shakes his hand to say hello to Zack, Tifa, and Sephiroth when his dad closes his eyes and frowns.
âTry to say something clever.â The voice raises inside Cloudâs dad quickly.
âWeâre so fâcked up! This never appeared in the story before.â Another voice raises.
âNo, weâre still fine. There was another man who took a photo of them. You must be him.â
âBut he doesnât have a camera. How did that thing happen?â
Cloudâs dad tells those voices: Guys, GUYS! I canât think if you just scream in my head.
His son ran to him and pushed him to his team. From them, Sephiroth moves forward. His boots drum on the ground when he moves, reminding Cloudâs dad of his father.
âRemember! Just say something clever. Do not let anyone know who you are.â
âAnd donât let him ask you. Ask him first⌠a not too simple but not too complicated questionâŚâ
âShut up, guys! Let him think. But⌠thatâs right. You have to put him to your subjectâŚâ
Sephiroth is measuring Cloudâs dad with his eyes. Cloudâs dad tells him: Hi, Sephiroth.
Sephiroth keeps silent. The voice kept loading inside the head of Cloudâs dad: âŚWhen not killing the enemy, he likes to read books, play puzzle games, and good country boysâŚ
Cloudâs dad quickly asks Sephiroth: Howâs your mother?
The voice: WRONG TIME, MAN!!!
Sephiroth rolls his eyes at him: What? I have no mother.
Zack: Sorry, sir. Do you mean you have seen his mother?
Cloudâs dad: No, I guessed. I'm his fan.
Sephiroth uses magic to read the mind of Cloudâs dad. Cloud suddenly says: Sir, he probably knew about your mother since he can meet all beautiful women on this planet. Oh, and he even taught me how to be a gentleman.
Tifa blushes at his words. Sephiroth stops using the magic. Not waiting for Cloudâs dad retaking a breath, he asks: Well! I can see you knew my mother and were a âgentlemanâ to her. So, youâre my father?
Cloudâs dad: No, Iâm not your father because I donât know your mother.
Sephiroth: Really?! I donât think soâŚ
Cloud: Sir, I think youâre wrong. Heâs my father.
While all people roll their eyes at Cloud, Sephiroth smiles and whispers to Cloudâs dad: Oops, sorry! Now you're my fan and his father. Surprisingly, because I see youâre pretty smart, but his face looks damned stupid.
Zack laughs: No way. That man⌠Heâs younger than your mom, Cloud. Anyway, Iâm so glad that you have found your dad through many years.
Tifa: Yes, and I feel heâs my father too. Just kidding!
Cloud: Thank you, guys.
Sephiroth continues to tell Cloudâs dad: Okay, you know what? I don't know youâre that boyâs father, but I do know his mother, even know she will dance with the villagers around the campfire to welcome me. I love to dance but love the fire more. And I want you to join me on my special night to discuss more about our father and mother. So⌠is that clear?
Then he looks straight at Cloudâs dad with his Makoâs eyes. âWho are you?â His heavy voice sticks inside Cloudâs dad.
Suddenly, Tifa stepped among them. She said: Okay, guys. I see thereâs no need to be serious here. Although you donât believe him, I still agree that heâs the father of Cloud. Donât look at his face, just look at his heart, and youâll see thatâŚ
Sephiroth: Nice talking. But Iâm not done yetâŚ
Tifa put her hand on her chest, pleading: Please, Mr. Sephiroth. Heâs no harm. Donât you see that? I donât care what people say about this strange thing, but I know Cloud and always trust him with my heart. Even if he says that man is his father, I still believe him.
Sephiroth: I see. Youâre protecting him. Right?
Tifa nods: Iâm the one who stands to my Cloud. And his dad will be our guest in the village this night.
Sephiroth looks straight at Tifa, making her scared and step back. Sephiroth comes close to Cloudâs dad and says: Now I can understand why women on the planet know you, as your son said. More reasons to discover you on this night since I really want to know about all the origins, including me.
Cloudâs dad looks straight at Sephiroth and says: Okay, Iâll say one last time. Iâm his father because I donât f*cking know your mother. She isnât my type. Is that clear?
Sephiroth: Haha! It's Christmas Day. Why so serious? I'm joking with you. But I will get the answer from his mother. And⌠well, she's not my type too.
Cloud: Oh, great! I canât wait. Dad, can you get a picture of me with my brother Zack and Mr. Sephiroth? Theyâre all my heroes.
Sephiroth takes his hand off his sword and smiles grimly, saying: Right! Just take a picture here for our good meeting. Nice and clean.
When Cloud shows up his camera. A couple comes to them in the distance, saying: We love you, Sephiroth. Want an autograph too.
Sephirothâs guard runs to stop them. Seeing those guys lying on the ground, crossing their hands on their heads while the guard keeps pointing his gun at them, Cloudâs dad remembers something. He closes his eyes and feels blue.
Cloud tells him: Dad, please say something to us.
He opens his eyes to glance at Zack and Tifa, then raises his sonâs camera and says: Two heroes are standing with my son now. They will continue to serve this country well. Let me take a selfie of all of us to keep this moment forever. Merry Christmas!
Cloud Strife stands among the team. He smiles because he has finally got the best gift this year: a happy reunion.
| E N T R Y - #3 A Midwinter Night's Bream |
To mention that the myriad productions of the Tantalus Theatre Troupe often go awry is akin to pointing out that there are two moons in the night sky. Nevertheless, their 1802 winter festival performance of Lord Avonâs A Midwinter Nightâs Bream was where they truly submerged into the absurd. The playâs plot (as intended by Alexandriaâs bard) has a prince tire of his royal trappings and seek a simpler life. With the help of two courtiers and creative costume choices he attempts to transform a lowborn man with the intention of trading places, only for the group to come to mischief in the woods by fairies.
It was a beloved classicâuntil those Tantalus miscreants got their hands on itâŚ
***
âHa ha ha! What a chowderhead!â Eiko chuckled from the audience.
âYes, thereâs no chance they were ever going to get Cinna to look like Zidane! But thatâs rather the point, darling,â gleamed Regent Cid with glee as he stroked his moustache.
The stage was furnished to represent a woodland arbour tucked into bed for the night with a cosy blanket of snow. In the centre of the stage, crouched over a small campfire, sat Zidane wearing the purple robes of the role he was playing: Prince Alcibiades.
The courtiersâMarcus (playing Pausanias) and Blank (playing Phidias)âperformed the comically contorted faces of worriment as they lurched onto the stage bearing Cinna (playing Bob Rogers) aloft on their arms: the very manifestation of a foolâs king on a human litter. Cinna-Rogers wore a poor imitation of Alcibiadesâ regalia but otherwise looked the same as always.
Zidane-Alcibiades looked up and sighed.
âMethought mine eyes doth spy a goblin. Didst thou not find makeup more fair?â Zidane-Alcibiades moaned.
âAlas!â Marcus-Pausanias slapped the ground and boomed like a pride-wounded lion. âNothing we tried could salve our woes! Our pal is a terribly slippery fellow. Too abominable to aspire to thy regal situation. Even should we hammer his face tâshape, we canât get it to match thy visage, mâlord!â
âWe didst apply leaden powder, mâlord, which aided by caking the mud,â spake Blank-Phidias. âWoe! What tragedy then befell us when by frost it did harden and, upon the slightest touch, the chilled cosmetics flaked away. Then didst we apply the curled golden wig, but the cursed cold enspirited within it a soul and it blew forth in the boreal breeze to liveth its own life.â
âFie! A pox upon this winterâs night!â Zidane-Alcibiades cursed and then turned and cupped his hand to his mouth to address the audience. âNay, I am lost. Phidias and Pausanias are known to the court. Bob Rogers is mine only hope to flee crown and keep and liveth free!â
âYour highness,â belched Cinna-Rogers tip-toeing towards the prince like a gin-soaked goat, âthough mine mug hath the appearance of a walrus thrice slapped⌠Tis mine codpiece for which Iâll be judged.â
Cinna-Rogers thrusted to the rhythm of his words.
âYour codpiece?â Zidane-Alcibiades questioned, incredulous.
âVerily! Tâwill be the delight of the kingdom. Mightier than thine. Why, people looketh not upon thine eyne when thouest speak. When Hades doeth welcome my soul to yonder crystal, the part of me tâwill be rememberanced, displayed in the town hall for public sight, will be myââyourââcodpiece.â
âI really hate this part,â sighed Queen Garnet watching from the royal box.
The nobles made their exit to fetch a better costume, leaving Cinna-Rogers alone by the campfire.
âOnce they swap me with the prince, all mine filth I shall rinse. If none shall find it fake, a gillionaire tâwould me make! He he he!â laughed Cinna-Rogers.
Baku, playing the mischievous fairy Jack Frost, caroused onto the stage with thunderous clumsiness. His purple, tinselled gown and his dainty blue butterfly wings were completely out of sorts with the actorâs hairy, gargantuan frame.
âWhat a witless mortal!â Baku-Jack taunted, though his target could not see him. âThat fellow could serveth to trick the fairy queen! Yea! For I hath cast upon her a bewitchment: she shalt fall in love with the first creature she should espy here, her favourite neck of the woods! With but one ichthyic alteration, would I make this fellow the object of her affection! This a splendid course would make!â
âMeh⌠Iâm sure I could perform this role better,â shrugged Puck from the audience, chomping on an apple core and blithely tossing it behind him.
Baku-Jack thrust the length of his arm in the direction of Cinna-Rogers and enunciated a fearsome whoosh. The stage lights flickered to dark, leaving only a single spotlight looming over Cinna-Rogers as if he had been selected for abduction by the great eye of the Invincible. On the contrary, the actor was utterly consumed by a puff of green smoke.
When the verdant vapour dissipated, Cinna was nowhere to be seen. In his stead lay a singular silver fish. It flopped and panted with the acute agitation of a snared rabbit. Its suffering was serenaded by the audienceâs gasps of wonder, followed by vigorous clapping: a veritable colony of seals all performing for the same coveted meal. Only a singular member of the audience, an actual fish-man, looked thoroughly unamused by the theatrical ruse.
âI say!â exclaimed Regent Cid from his spectator seat. âThe stagecraft is spiffingly phenomenal this year!â
âDarling⌠This is no mere stagecraft.â giggled Hilda. âI lent them one of my potions for this production and Iâm over-the-moons that they used it! You remember these potions, donât you?â
The Regentâs eyes glazed over as if touched by Shivaâs frosted fingers. His gaze seemed to be directed beyond the stage, but his mind-sight was held hostage to the traumatic memories entrenched at the back of his skull. Beads of sweat ran down his face and were absorbed by his spongelike moustacheâthe only part of him that had been spared his past ordeal.
Hilda nudged her husband, and winked at him with an impish grin. Cid returned an awkward smile. âHeh heh. Well, this is my favourite bitâhere comes the fairy queen!â
Ruby had been waiting at the side of the stage for her cue to enter. She wore fluorescent pink face paint, light green wings and a light blue dress, all befitting her character: the fairy queen Rhea. But something was wrong. The cue never reached her ears.
âHold yer horses, lads! I think heâs actually a guppy!â Ruby vocalised to the other actors offstage with some urgency. âHeâs silent as a mute mule with a muzzle!â
The rest of Tantalus gawped at Cinna as he continued to flop in the middle of the spotlight.
âDid we get Hildaâs mixture wrong? Itâs too potent! Heâs gone the whole way!â yowled Marcus to the side of the stage.
âYou sure?â questioned Blank as he strained to examine his chum whilst venturing to remain hidden from the audience.
âLook at him! Of course Iâm sure!â
âBut Cinnaâs always looked a bitââ
ââLads, we must proceed!â barked Baku, waving at the stage. âRuby, yer up!â
Ruby, as Rhea, trotted gracefully onto the stage as the fish-focused spotlight gave way to a whole sea of colourful lights: the hoary woodland haunt of the frost fairies.
âOh! What a catch befalls my line of sight? I am in love!â Ruby-Rhea bellowed blissfully whilst pirouetting with glee. âA twist-horned narwhal hath speared mine heart. My blood, flying free, pours forth like octopus ink. Mine hand yearns to collect it all and to my beloved write, but I am afeared a greedy shark be nigh and would devour my dreams before mine cursed eyes! Ho! No! Sing sweetness to me!â
An awkward silence ensued.
Ruby floundered and turned to face offstage again. âErrâŚHowdya expect the next line to work if the fishâI mean Cinnaâainât hollering to me? I donât know his line!â
âGwahahahahha!â laughed Baku, âQuit stewing! I mean, improvise! Itâs what we always do in the end! Try another angle!â
Ruby held her face in her palm, then span around, picked up the fish and raised him to her ear. Ruby-Rhea swooned as she pretended to melt under Romanceâs torrid blasts before hardening with steely, yet libidinous, ambition. Then she held âCinnaâ square in front of her face and continued her lines as if the scaly swindler had said his piece to her.
âMy love for you doth groweth like the waxing moons. You are the sole contender for mine heart.â Ruby-Rhea performed with theatricalised earnestness, followed by a kiss planted firmly on the fishâs lips.
The aquatic actor continued to wriggle and writhe. Its lips opened and shut repeatedly, as if a pranking teenager had discovered the levers for operating South Gate.
âOh! The scales of my heart hath tiltedâNay, plungedâinto the depths ofââ
Snatch. Swigggle. Slapapapapap! Slurp. Gulp.
An audible gasp spread across audience and actor alike: an instantaneous pandemic of stunned silence. The sort of silence that travels with the arrival of snow, when even nature lies frozen solid in soft surprise. Blank hadn't experienced this sensation since his misadventures in the Evil Forest.
Unnoticed (and unapprehended) by Captain Steinerâs Knights of Pluto, Quina had climbed onto the stage, licked the thalassic thespian right out of Rubyâs hands, and swallowed him whole.
Steinerâs mouth drew agape like the gated maw of Atomosâa delayed reaction that was no longer helpful.
âGuards! Grab the pikes! Arrest Quina!â Steiner shouted, and two Knights of Pluto grabbed the Qu chef and held them tight.
Ruby collapsed to her knees. As she held her mouth, her paralysing horror overpowered the slimy sensation of the gooey gloop on her fingers, and its accompanying stench.
The Benero brothers sobbed backstage.
âLadies! Errââ Baku fought with frantic fury with his tangled fairy wings as he attempted to compose himself for a serious announcement. âLadies and gentlemen! Nobles and rooftop viewers! Tantalus Theatre Troupe humbly regrets that we shall have to cancel this eveningâs performance andâerrâwaaah!â
This was too much even for Baku. Cinna was like a son to the troupeâs leader. They all were.
âSo foul!â screamed Marcus. âWe should have hired Lowell instead! Heâs salty already, heâd have slid down better and wouldâve been no loss!â
For a temporary moment the Prima Vista clanked and shook like it was experiencing a minor earthquakeâas if Titan might thrust up his claylike fist at any moment and uppercut-launch the lot of them towards the moons. Instead, up jumped an earthy rascal from beneath the stage via the trapdoor!
âTa-dahhhh!â squealed Cinna with excitement as he waved his hands and danced his fingers, his naked belly bouncing to the same tune.
âCinna! But how?â yelled Zidane, pointing in the direction of Quina.
âI jusâ wanted to see if folks would miss me! I switched meself with a real fish!â Cinna then turned to Baku, âOhohoho. Were they real tears?â
âOi!â oinked Baku as he smacked Cinna over the head with a prop frying pan.
The audience laughed and cheered at the slapstick violence, but the regular playgoers and critics amongst them were already scribbling notes on how none of this was rooted in Lord Avonâs original.
âIâm⌠Glad youâre okay.â Baku admitted in earnest. âBring forth Quina!â
Steiner alternated his glance between Cinna and Quina. He seemed convinced that there were now two Cinnas: one standing proud above the trapdoor with a self-satisfied smirk; the other splashing about in the digestive juices inside the Quâs belly. With confused reluctance, the captain ordered his guards to unhandle Quina.
âSo, did Quina know that wasnât Cinna?â asked Blank.
Cinna frowned and shook his head as Quina bounced back onto the stage.
âMe thought yum-yum was Cinna. *hic* But yum-yum *hic* too tasty to be Cinna,â Quina confessed but began gulping uncontrollably.
âHeh-heh! Thereâs more! I laced the fish with Hildaâs potionâŚâ noted Cinna with a conspiratorial sneer.
Quina felt their spine soften and, unbidden, their torso flopped forward, no longer able to stand erect. Their soft, white skin cracked open and hardened into scales, mimicking the sound of breaking ice. With a painful squelch, Quina grew a tail which ripped through their clothing and slapped the fake snow on the stage floor. But, evidenced by the long tongue and star-shaped eyes, it was unmistakably still Quina.
âYou are what you eat!â sallied Cinna as he rubbed his muck-covered hands together with glee. âMerry fishmas, ya filthy animal!â
Quina checked themself out, confused. This fish-Qu monster hobbled forward a few steps with the grotesque gait of a pantomime villain. Still sentient, and enough of themself still present to speak.
âIf myself am now yummy-yummy, then if I eat yummy-yummy is still possible I can eat further yummies-yummies?â Quina quizzed, raising a fin-hand to their chin.
âGwahahaha! Ever the culinary philosopher,â guffawed Baku. âOkay this works for me! Letâs reel it in!â
With a content grin, Cinna stepped forward to the front of the stage to address the patient audience.
âIf these pungent odours have offended, hold your nose and all will be splendid.â Cinna pronounced before taking a final bow. âIf Cinna an ugly man you label, beware of what he shall enable!â
-Fin-
| E N T R Y - #4 A Joseph Brown Christmas |
It was a nice quiet Christmas Eve in Paddy McGeeâs aka Adamâs home, decorations lined both inside and outside the house it was clear the festive spirit was here. Out of all the decorations though there was one that stood out the most, it was a stuffed Pikachu wearing a Santa hat and it was called Joseph Brown. Though that wasnât what stood out, no what made it stand out was that it was wearing a Pentagram necklace underneath itâs santa hat. Why someone would compare these two decorations is a mystery but there it sat on a shelf overlooking the brightly decorated Christmas tree that was adorned with many lights and ornaments.
The day seemed to proceed like normal with Adam humming about yellow dog and singing verses of My Lovely Clicker. No one could tell why he was wrapping TVâs in plastic. It may be to prevent his TVâs from getting cracked by thrown phones but that was anyone's guess. As Adam walked through the house he noticed nothing amiss, not even how Joseph Brownâs eyes seemed to follow him around the house as he walked through it and did his daily routine. However at one point he noticed that it seemed to have moved, instead of facing the tree in the window it seemed as if it was facing the doorway to the kitchen, so he walked up to it and made it face the tree once more without paying much more attention to it. As Adam got in the throes of singing itâs a Pika-world while making sure he had everything for his Christmas dinner he didnât notice that Joseph Brown seemed to move again, except this time he fell off the shelf that he was sitting on. As Adam wound down from singing his various tunes and walked back into the room with the tree he noticed Joseph Brown on the floor, knowing full well he did not put him there he walked with quiet trepidation towards the doll and was quite creeped out as he picked it up. For Joseph Brown looked like it was smiling at him and for the briefest moment Adam thought he saw a glimmer in Joseph Brownâs eyes as it looked like the eyes were following him.
This sense of uneasiness was getting to be too much for our dear Adam, but in the end he thought it was still just a stuffed toy. So once again it went to be on the shelf except now he made it face the wall, he could not shake the feeling those eyes gave him at all. Adam continued through the day now as if nothing had happened if only to be interrupted by yelling out in randomness of someone or something called EMO SQUALL LIONHARD. As the day slowly became night so did Adamâs antics until he went to bed, and as he did so did Joseph Brown finally make his move. A sound of stitches ripping could silently be heard as lips curled and some dry air was seen flying in the room. His eyes blinked several times before becoming slanted and cruel. Using his small yellow hand he grabbed his santa hat and threw it on the ground. âFinallyâ he yipped, âI thought that turd would never go back to sleep, and that singing who came up with those lyrics.â Though all one would here would be some pika pika coming from this doll.
So as Joseph Brown made it way through the house one pawed hand now clutching his Pentagram necklace he squealed with mad glee, for nothing would stop him tonight. The stuffed doll made an effort as it started shimming up the stairs to the bedroom of his target and his desire. He was determined to see this through tonight and would do whatever it took. This would be his night, as he climbed he could feel what he took for a heart beat rapidly in his cotton stuffed body and his breaths grew more ragged, the climb showing signs of taking its toll. âTo think in just a few short hours I will finally have an actual heart, and Iâll be able to feel the sensation of actually breathing again.â Joseph Brown began to laugh but once again all that could be heard were the soft squeaks of âPika Pikaâ being heard but with the dead of night it sounded like creaking floor boards.
Finally Joseph Brown made it to his target, there he was sleeping in bed, blissfully unaware of what was about to happen. He finally made his way to the top of the bed and walked right up to Adamâs head. He placed his paw on Adamâs sleeping brow and held the pentagram in his other paw stretched out to the sky. Soon a dark chanting filled the air as storm clouds formed outside Adamâs house with lightning and thunder crashing. A distant low dark voice could be heard saying âChulaspika, Chulaspika, Pikalaschu, Pikalaschu.â Then as quickly as the storm clouds formed they vanished without a trace, nothing indicating they were there, and as they vanished the doll of Joseph Brown fell to the floor.
Christmas morning came and went, and Christmas day proceeded all the same with nothing unusual happening. Everything seemed normal and nothing to indicate last night's strange events. Even the Pikachu was where it belonged sitting on a shelf staring at a tree, but if one could look hard enough they would see it looked almost sad. So Adam walked up to it and patted it on its head and noticed the Santa hat on the floor, so he picked it up and put it on his head. Then leaning in close one was thinking he was saying âNo wonder you seemed sadâ, but in truth whispered to it âRemember now I am Adam.â So Adam turned around to rejoin the festivities remaining for the night, with only the end of a necklace hanging out of his pocket.
| E N T R Y - #5 The Jyscal Guado Legacy Fund |
Account name: wakka
Password: besaidaurochs
With that unassuming account name and impenetrable password, Wakka grinned like an excited Zanarkand monkey on heat as he feasted his eyes on the welcome sight of the home screen.
The quaint family hut home was finally nice and quiet. Lulu, ever the reluctant mayor, was tasked with making a lengthy sojourn down to the pier to meet visiting dignitaries. Their son, Vidina, was likely confined to a temple antechamber facing a lengthy spell of detention, no doubt. The empty household afforded Wakka the fairly rare opportunity to indulge in a new, most unexpected passion.
Barely a decade since the advent of the Eternal Calm, the Al Bhed were making an absolute commercial killing with a staggering uptick in consumer demand for new machina gizmos. Now regular households had access to peculiar Al Bhed machina contraptions known as a âtacgdub lusbidanâ. Paired with a new-fangled service that facilitated near-instantaneous communication across all corners of Spira, most households could now revel in the unprecedented joy of frittering their hours away watching digitally uploaded videos on the Sphere Network of adorable baby shoopufs trampling their hypello trainers.
âWhen I watch Blitz, Iâm picking up strategy from other teams, ya?â Wakka would typically say in response to a chastising Lulu. âIt may look like leisure to you, but to me, Iâm studying. Iâm probably studying harder than Vidina, ya. I need to know every detail about the Luca Goers so when next Blitz season comes, we can blow them out of the water harder than when the Al Bhed blew up their last Home.â
By early evening, Wakka had finally consumed practically all the Sphere Network had to offer in terms of recorded Blitzball content. He had even sated himself with an audaciously adventurous experience involving Guado and Al Bhed interracial escapades. The only thing left on the agenda was to inspect his electronic mail inbox, just in case the captain of the Luca Goers had finally deigned to write to grovel to him.
âWhoâda thunk that we can now read and write messages on a lusbidan,â muttered Wakka to himself. As quickly as this train of thought began did it sidle to a halt when he laid eyes on a mysterious new addition to his inbox.
From: Akaâo
Subject: HELLO jyscal guado legacy fund beneficiary
Good day.
My Name is praetor Akaâo of new Yevon St.Bevelle People Church.
Receiving this message might sound as many surprises to you, please accept it as blessings from New Yevon st.Bevell People Church made possible through diseased man with good and sincere heart towards the poor orphans. For you see, maester jYscal Guado died suddenly over 12 years ago from dreadful illness known as Death after battling with his aliveness, he wanted his money of which his kind soul had many lots to go to charity for orphans, but there is still very much lots of money left over so before he died Jyscal guado wanted the rest of funds placed in legacy fund for a kind and noble hearted beneficiary just like him.
Sir if you are interested it will make late diseased maester jyscal Guado very happy and contented that his life goal will be at last Achieved for you will be beneficiary to generous sum of 4500,0000 gil.
I hope to Hear from you soon and may the glory of New Yevon st Bevellle People Church always bless you.
Sincerely
Akaâo
Wakka furrowed his brow in sheer disbelief. However, his immediate triumphant excitement was tempered by the sight of something egregiously outlandish about this message â something so blatantly extraordinary that only a blind and foolish man would find himself victim to. He had to immediately type up a response on the lusbidan and draw the authorâs attention to this conspicuous irregularity.
dear akaâo
this sounds amazing ya! I captain the besaid aurochs and weâve won maybe once or twice but i have never been paid that much gil before. i cannot believe my luck and thank you so much for telling me about this wonderful opportunity. but I have a few questions first. 1. didnt maester jyscal guado die because maester Seymour killed him? and 2. How much gil is that anyway? Im not very good at looking at numbers.
Cheers
Wakka
Besaid aurochs captain ya
For the next few minutes, Wakka impatiently waited; his giddiness churned and bubbled, threatening to pop off the lid harder than Clasko at a Chocobo farm. Astonishingly, the response came with candid promptness and he immediately lunged his face forward at the screen.
Many greetings again, wakka
May the peace of new yevon st bevlle Church be with you again my brother. Thank you very muches for your interest as the diseased soul maester Jyscal guado be smiling from Farplane at your kindness now this instant. Be rest assured that I have noted your questions. Firstly, it is true that maester Seymoour Guado did very despicable thing but diseased maester Jyscal guado already dyeing at that time you see. He was afflicted by very terrible desert fever in Bikanel and was not long for this world until event of much tragedy happened. Secondly the diseased maester Jyscal Guado legacy fund is indeed 45 million gil.
But for fund to reach you sir, it is not free because of complexes of shipping and handling lots of monies. I will need your bank account sir to know where legacy fund moneys will go to.
May You be blessed
Akaâo
Dear akao
Did you kno maester jyscal guado? What is your relation to him? also im confused. i get 45 million gil but its not free? Also I donât have bank account yet. i just let my wife Lulu do all money stuff ya. What do I need to do?
Wakka
Besaid aurochs captain ya
Hello wakka
I am trustworthy trustee appointed by diseased Maester jyscal Guado to handle businesses of dyeing urgency after his death I knew the man very well and he inspired many like me to accept grace of Yevon His holiness. Because I am very respected Praetor I am very also respected to handle such businesses.
There are many risks in transfer of large sums of monies to beneficiaries as money can be stolen from ships by bandits, fiends and debt collecterors therefore we need to insure, which is why these matters are never free, sir. I have it in good informations that to secure safe delivery of the 45,000000,00 gils to you it will require transfer insurance fee of 20,000 gil which once paid will with all legality release the funds to you as the beneficiary, sir.
If your wife has bank account maybe she can give us information about her bank account details.
Many blessings be on you
Akaâo
Dear akaoMany greetings wakka, be blessed
Is no good. Lu doesnât trust me with the bank account and money stuff ya especially now that shes mayor of besaid. she thinks Iâm tterrible at managing gil and that I always waste my blitzball winnings on silly things like blitzballs that can turn fiends to stone ya?but I really want that money from maester jyscalâs legacy fund thing so is it possible for me to meet up with you or someone who works for the legacy fund and then I can pay the advance fee?
Wakka
Besaid aurochs captain ya
Attention: please be reading carefully
My employer at diseased Maester Jyscal guado Legacy fund can meet with you at Besaid pier. You will pay him fee there and only after that will he take journey back to Macalania and meet with the lawyer to legally approve of transfer of diseased Maester jyscal Guadoâs legacy funds to you.
Sir however as you are without bank account details or easiest ways to facility easy and quick transfer of moneys because my employer will need to make time and journey to where you are to receive the monies first, there will be additional fee for him on top of that. Along with 20,000 gil there will need to be another 15,000 gil.
Please respond quickly with your agreeing
Be blessed
Akaâo
âWho said this Blitzball was a waste of gil?â scoffed Wakka indignantly. He proudly watched as his prized premium Blitzball inexplicably transformed an entire flapping Zu into a levitating chunk of igneous rock before it majestically crumbled to dust.
He was in too jubilant and triumphant a mood to allow the usual cadre of island fiends to spoil this day. He effortlessly made his elation apparent for all to see as he paraded with a stride of pride down to the beach and towards his quarry: a hooded lone male waiting at the pier.
âThank ye!â said the hooded bloke. Wakka could not see his eyes, but they lit up like fairy lights at the sight of a sack containing an easy 35,000 gil in spoils.
âIt was nice talking to that Praetor employee of yours who wrote the emails,â chuckled Wakka, his anticipation dripping from his mouth with every syllable. âSo when can I expect the Maester Jyscal legacy fund money to be delivered to me?â
âVeeeery soon, sir. Ye do not need to worry!â replied the hooded man, his voice now taking on an eerie singsong characteristic. âYe can trust me on that or my nameâs not Oâaka the thir- I mean, my name is definitely not that. Thank ye kindly for your business, sir.â
And that should be every entr- wait, hang on. What's this taped to my whiteboard here?
| E N T R Y - #6 How I survived the K-T extinction and befriended Dan |
It's about as Seinfeld as I could get.
