Serious Abusive Relationships

Toshiya

Toshiya

I'm on another planet with you
Veteran
Joined
Dec 30, 2009
Messages
1,430
Age
31
Location
Cumbria, UK
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Nice cheery thread title :dave:
This is one of only two personal threads I've made on FFF, the other one being http://www.finalfantasyforums.net/threads/55000-Relationships-and-different-religions which is entirely relevant as it's about the same person.

Basically, I was with my ex from September 2012 (unofficially though, cultural/religious differences) through to October 2013, minus a month's break in August 2013. In October, we had a huge argument and the police ended up getting involved. I had bruises all up my arms due to him grabbing me and I'd been kicked in the stomach about 5 times. His flatmate had called security after she heard him threaten to break my neck. He got a police caution for actual bodily harm as I reported it but didn't press charges because, even after everything, I didn't want to fuck up his life.
Since then I've struggled a lot with getting him out of my life. He's on my course, he lives in the accommodation block opposite me, and he even does taekwondo with me. I've spoken to people at uni - friends, the campus police officer, my accommodation warden. They've helped me see just how bad the abuse really was - not just that incident but psychologically. For the whole time I was with him my life was dictated to me, what I could do, what I couldn't do, who I could be friends with on facebook and follow on twitter, which in my eyes is completely irrelevant to real life anyway. I'd end up feeling really bad about talking to friends online, or wanting to go out, and if I was on a night out I would be so careful that nobody took a photo of me in case there was a man near me or in the background just in case he took it the wrong way. It got to the point where he'd get mad over the fact that I was going on holiday with my nan (seriously, what am I going to do in Italy with my nan...) and a lot of other stuff I thought was ridiculous. I've always liked doing what I want to, I love traveling, going to music gigs, going out for food and on nights out with friends, and these were all things I used to get whined at for doing when I was with him. His view on women was that they should do exactly as the man says and not talk to other men... which I can't deal with.

And now I'm not with him I still can't escape it. I try and delete him from everything online and he has access to another friend's facebook account - but I don't know whose. So I get texts and whatever saying 'why are you friends with this person' and 'why are you going out for dinner with this person'. So I've ended up deleting my facebook account for now - just to stop THAT form of harrassment.
I just can't seem to escape the guy. I could get him into lots of trouble, thrown out of his accommodation etc so he can't see me any more, but I just can't bring myself to do it. For some reason I just cannot break the connection. If he tries to talk to me, which he still does, I'm just not capable of shutting him out and ignoring him, and I just don't know why. I know in my head he's treated me horrifically and that being with him never was and never will be good for me, but 6 months later I'm still struggling with everything and I don't know what to do. I don't even know why I stayed with the guy for so long anyway. The amount of arguments we had was insane and somehow everything was always my fault, and like an idiot I just apologised and begged him to reconsider.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking here... has anyone been through anything similar or know someone that has, and how did you deal with it? Because I'm not sad/depressed or whatever, I'm actually quite happy with life at the moment, it's literally just this I'm having a problem with. I'm never going to move on with my love life or whatever the hell you want to call it if I can't cut whatever tie still keeps me from wanting to cut this guy off completely.

tl;dr
 
If someone is harassing you through other people, I honestly think you can report them at the police for that. I'm not sure how it works in the UK, but harassment in any way, shape or form is never okay. ESPECIALLY if this guy has laid hands on you. You should not have to go to the extremes like deleting your personal Facebook that you have friends on just to escape him.

I also think you can talk to people at your Uni about it, not friends, but like the people that are there to help their students out, explain the situation.

First and foremost, DO NOT respond to this guy. He probably knows he's controlling with fear and your top priority should be to not show that, and seek out as much help as you can with this.

I would rather not go in to personal experiences, but I do hope you start asking for more help right away. Connections may have more information about what you can do about people like that in your country.

Best of luck, Charlotte. If you need to rant, you just give me a shout. Don't just hold something like this in.

Ps. If the police got involved with you the first time, I'm pretty positive you can contact them and tell them he's still harassing you, make sure you write down what you want to say to them and that you have all that he's doing listed. They can also give you tips and information on who to contact, just tell them you're at wits end, they're obligated to help you.
 
Oh I know I can get him into trouble :hmmm: I know that. I just need to try and get over my mental barrier of still caring what he does and not actually wanting to hurt him.
Thanks Kira :sad3: I'll get there eventually.
 
Hmm...I don't know much about relationships, but it seems a lot of people think 6 months is some kind of limit for feelings and thoughts. It's not. Even when your feelings are through, you may still continue to think of past romantic partners from time to time, which is normal since they were a part of your life, and because of that now a part of your memories.

And about not reporting him - I personally think you should be brave and report him. You want to move on, yet you're letting this guy harass you? I say keep your facebook and keep doing what you want to do in life and let the cops take care of his harassment. Don't ever let someone stop you from living your life. If you don't report him, you may not move on and anyway, his behavior is unacceptable.

Part of why you may want to still have him in your life is low self-esteem. You may not want to admit it to yourself, but are you afraid of not being able to find someone else? Or if not that, then you may be the normal type of woman who find these "bad boys" exciting and addictive, a habit that should stop. Or you're probably used to him and his behavior, which is why it feels addictive. But like any addiction, the cure is to just stop and resist every urge. You already realize how bad his behavior was and how bad it effected you and that you want to move past this - I think stopping shouldn't be that hard. You just need to take the brave step of reporting him and then feeding yourself with positive affirmations and new goals for yourself for a better future.
 
Six said:
First and foremost, DO NOT respond to this guy. He probably knows he's controlling with fear and your top priority should be to not show that, and seek out as much help as you can with this.
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I agree with the contact part. You shouldn't contact him at all. However don't hide your fear from the police. The government are cracking down heavily on violence against women (about time) so it'll work in your favour if it's documented that you're fearful of him. Get a restraining order and press charges next time. Abusive people exploit kindness and being charged for his behaviour may in the long run end up saving his life, your life and the life of any woman he may involve himself with. You're not responsible for his actions he is, if anyone should suffer the consequences of them it's him.
 
Charlotte, you do not want to just "get over this", you want to report the actual shit out of this guy. If he's not doing it to you, he'll do it to someone else. I know that probably seems like a huge obstacle right now and it may seem "easier to just ignore and move on", it's not about getting someone in trouble either. It's about reporting someone who's being a dick for no reason.

Getting him in trouble would be shitty in your part, he actually has to be held accountable. Period.
 
Of course you're all completely right. But I still have no idea what I'm going to do. I have no idea if I'm going to be able to work up the willpower to either report him or ignore him :gonk:

ff1-10, there's an element of truth in what you're saying too I think. Sad thing is I think I'd managed to convince myself he's the best thing that I ever had and I won't find someone else. Of course, I will, I just need to get over my mental block first.
Dammit :gonk:
 
...Wait, did I misunderstand, are you still in love with this guy?
 
Six said:
...Wait, did I misunderstand, are you still in love with this guy?
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I wouldn't say its that strong. Just that for some reason there's still part of me that doesn't want to completely cut all contact. I just need something to push me over the edge and finally cut all ties/report stuff, I know that.
 
in a situation like this you need to be someone on the outside looking in. putting aside your own personal experience, if a friend came to you and asked you the very same question (hypothetically of course, although i suppose literally works too) what advice would you give them?
 
I think Jacks Smirking Revenge really hit the nail on the head. If it was anyone else I'm sure you'd be telling Jen no one deserves to be treated the way this guy treats you. We've never reall spoken about it in detail but it sounds like all he gives you is grief. Sometimes it's better to just get rid and try to move on, however hard that might be. Abusive relationships aren't acceptable at all; and the other stuff he's doing should make it a no brainer? He needs to learn a lesson or, like @Six says; if it's not you it'll be someone else who maybe might not handle it as well as you seem to. If a girl properly hit me once, let alone you getting kicked 5 times id consider getting rid. Someone who can't control themselves like that can't be good for you.

(Tried @ ing you Jack but it failed...)
 
iSmiff said:
Someone who can't control themselves like that can't be good for you.
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I think he's in perfect control. :/

My first boyfriend was manipulative on a smaller scale - it was a long distance relationship, so there was only so much he could do. However, it was enough to make me wary of any man who tells you what you can or can't do, and what you can or can't like. I remember feeling absolutely terrible and guilty about the smallest things: liking Disney (seriously), not wanting to leave home and my A-Levels to live with him, talking to my best male friend about why men watch porn...

Like your ex, my first boyfriend tried to control who I spoke to and said things like 'I don't know what I'm going to do if you keep talking to him' (whilst crying). He made me feel stupid about liking certain films and music. He used emotional blackmail time and time again, which worked because I wanted nothing more than to make an unhappy person (which he was) happy. I thought that I could 'save' him and make his life better. At one point, I even told myself that my own life and my own happiness didn't matter. 'I'll be okay,' I told myself. 'He won't be if I leave him, but I'm strong, so I'll be okay.' I wasn't being big-headed when I said this either... He called me up once telling me that he had taken an overdose because the distance between us depressed him. He told me he didn't know what he would do, suggesting he would commit suicide, if I left him. Do you feel as though perhaps you can cope with this emotional burden, whereas he couldn't cope with the police?

Following on from that, did you ever feel as though you were saving your ex somehow? Or did you feel that he needed you...? (I have a friend who's going through this at the moment, and I hate having to watch... but the only thing I can do is listen and offer advice. :()


Another friend of mine went through a relationship in which she was mentally AND physically abused. Her boyfriend used to hit her - once, she ended up in hospital - and he tried to control who she spoke to and what she did. Her father used to do the same, so she thought that it was okay... However, like you, I think she knew that it wasn't. :/ It took her many months to break free.

Do you feel like he is family? Or an important figure whose filling in a gap and cannot be replaced? I ask this because my friend felt that this boyfriend was her 'family.' Her mother is in a mental institution, and her father passed away whilst we were in sixth form. :( I think she felt secure...somehow. I know that abusive partners can make you feel as though they are the only person you can trust. You may not think that consciously, but perhaps your unconscious mind feels it. If it does, your unconscious mind may believe that he is family, and it's hard to report an abusive member of the family to the police. :/

This friend got married to her ex eventually, when she was around 19 years old. She eventually left because he abused her to the point she ended up in hospital, but she still maintained contact for the sake of her son - they had joint custody. Then stole her son - I say her son because she was raped, so the baby wasn't his, but he was down as the father - and took him to another country for several months! The police in the UK got involved, but he was in a country where the man's word is law, so I am guessing their police would not have helped. :/



Another friend of mine was only able to report her abuse 10 years later - she's in her 30s and was abused and raped by a boyfriend she had in her 20s. It took a lot of bravery to report him even 10 years later because she didn't want to ruin his life, but she felt liberated one she had. If she could go back in time, she would have reported him sooner. For your own safety and your own sense of happiness, I would report him. I doubt you'll ever feel GOOD about doing it, but that's because you're a good person, and your kindness has been abused by someone who knows what they're doing. But you need to report him in order to break free. For a few days or weeks, you may still feel bad about it, but that's better than the alternative - wearing a secret scar for years, and then breaking down, having lost part of your life. :/ Things will get better sooner than you think, as long as you tackle it.
 
Lirael said:
I think he's in perfect control. :/.
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Thats even worse then. So either he's not in control and therefore is an aggressive threat with anger issues or he like you say is in control then willing physically attacked someone he supposedly cared about with some degree of forethought. I was giving him the benefit of the doubt by saying he lost his temper but I'd argue the latter is even worse and more disgusting.
 
I never thought about putting myself in my friends shoes really. If it was a friend going through this of course I'd be telling them to get out of it because it's not good for them, it's dangerous etc. but now that I'm the one in it I see that it's a lot easier said than done.

Thanks everyone though. I know I need to get rid and youve all helped give me a kick up the backside that hopefully means I'll stop talking to the guy forever.
Lirael - I identify with most stuff you said actually, though not necessarily about the part about him not being able to cope. He kinda always made me feel like he'd be absolutely fine without me and was kind of doing me a favour by staying. That's sad about your friend... It's nowhere near as bad as what you've said hers was by the sound of it.

So many times I've broken everything off 'for good' and made it so I think he can't contact me but he'll always find a way - then when he talks to me I'll always cave in and talk back rather than ignoring him. It's the same with reporting him, I reported him initially when the police got involved but I couldn't bring myself to press charges. I've spoken to staff at uni but when it's come down to it I've not wanted to take it any further... Somewhere I just need to find the extra bit of willpower I need to get free and stick to it.
 
I do not know you Toshiya, but I have some advice that I'll freely give.
While there are comments in this thread that I agree with, a forum let alone the internet is the last place I would seek advice from, theoretically including me, unless you have personal friends that you communicate with on here or the internet in-general.

Abuse is a serious issue. I would seek out your family first, then legal council. I would also seek out professional help with a counselor/psychologist as well, preferably someone with good morals and ethics. I have a doctorate in psychology but I'm not a licensed counselor. Still, from what I'm reading I strongly suggest you receive help. Don't be ashamed to ask for help.
 
The precise reason I've posted on here is so I can get the views of people that dont necessarily know me. Friends will just give me sympathy and I don't necessarily want that, and most of my friends know the guy in question. I don't make a habit of broadcasting my problems here though :lew:

thanks for responding
 
Toshiya said:
The precise reason I've posted on here is so I can get the views of people that dont necessarily know me. Friends will just give me sympathy and I don't necessarily want that, and most of my friends know the guy in question. I don't make a habit of broadcasting my problems here though :lew:

thanks for responding
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I would ask: How do you feel about your friends just giving you sympathy? Your feelings are important. They are valid. It matters.
Anger is an emotion, but abuse is wrong. I wanted to respond because abuse is something I detest. I hate abuse with a passion. It churns my stomach when people are abused, verbally or physically.

Also, thanks Six for the like on my above post. Good comments by you as well as others.
 
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I know two people that have been in a serious abusive relationship and it was all because their partners had a mental disorder (MPD and Bipolar). You really need to just remove yourself from them and I know that can be difficult if you still have feelings. It's not something anyone should have to go through or put up with.
 
spoonyrogdrumps said:
I would ask: How do you feel about your friends just giving you sympathy? Your feelings are important. They are valid. It matters.
Anger is an emotion, but abuse is wrong. I wanted to respond because abuse is something I detest. I hate abuse with a passion. It churns my stomach when people are abused, verbally or physically.

Also, thanks Six for the like on my above post. Good comments by you as well as others.
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I don't really like sympathy. Support is all well and good but because my friends and family all like me and would therefore be a bit biased towards my 'side' if I've got a problem, I get more sympathy and 'aww I can't believe this is happening, how awful's than actual, useful support (such as some people on here telling it as it is). It's nice to be comforted to a point. But I'd rather get this sorted once and for all.

Thanks, everyone :dave:
 
I'm sorry to hear that, but this kind of thing happens a lot more than you think. Your friends might be better than other people's friends, but I have seen people in these situations just lose such a large amount of respect from their friends and feel like they've been abandoned by them because they can't standing watching them do what they are doing to themselves.

I hope that it all works out for you. Don't let what has happened define who you are and who you will become.
 
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