Fan Fiction FFVII True

Kain

Kain

La Vita Nuova
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Feb 19, 2007
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This fanfic was actually written by my sister, but i got her permission to post it so here it is. Note that i do not take responsibility for the content, which includes mild swearing and excessive Cloud abuse...


Ok. This is the true version of FFVII...everyone gather round.
*everyone gathers round*
<EVERYONE gathers round.>

Once upon a time, there was a man who had a huge sword.
<YOU see Cloud with the buster sword.>
*you see Cloud with the buster sword*

Cloud: Look at this sword! I can only pick it up!! Woah-WOOOOOW!!!
*he falls over. a kid picks up the sword and starts swinging it in the air like a maniac*
<HE the falls over. kid picks up sword and starts swinging it in air like a maniac.>

Kid: WUSS!!

Cloud was in SOLDIER, 1st class, he said, in SHINRA INC.. But he soon left to help AVALANCHE, a group who wanted SHINRA INC. to be destroyed.
*you see Barret, Tifa and some other folk in KKK outfits surrounding Cloud*
<YOU see and in Barret, Tifa some other folk KKK outfits surrounding Cloud.>

All of 'em 'cept Cloud: One of us. One of us.

They had to do many operations, but soon, Cloud fell down into a hole on one of the operations.
*you see Barret*
<YOU see Barret.>

Barret: That's a stupid f*ckin' way to die!!

Get over it. He doesn't die.

Barret: WHAAAAT!?

Yes, he fell through a roof onto some flowers, where he met Aeris.
*you see Aeris and Cloud on some flowers. Aeris smiles, Cloud blushes, then Aeris starts beating him with her metal pole*
<YOU see Cloud with and starts some on flowers. smiles, blushes, then Aeris beating him her metal pole.>

Aeris: YOU-F*CKING-BASTARD-YOU-RUINED-MY-FLOWERS!!

Cloud: OW!! OW!! OW!!

Anyways, the SHINRA people were after him, so they both had to leave.
<YOU see Cloud and in Aeris beating him again, but this time, she?s an alley.>

Aeris: NOW-I HAD TO-LEAVE MY CHURCH-THIS IS-ALL-YOUR FAULT!!
*Cloud is curled in the feetle position, crying*
<CLOUD the in is curled feetle position, crying.>

But they soon went to Aeris's home, where Cloud met her mother. He spent some of the night there, but soon left in the middle of the night, to find Tifa. But, Aeris found out and soon found him.
<YOU see Aeris her raising pole at Cloud, threatening him.>

Aeris: BOY, IF YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN, I'LL KNOCK OFF YOUR HEAD!!!
*you see Aeris raising her pole at Cloud, threatening him*

Cloud while crying: Yes ma'am, GOD!!! WAAAAAAH!!!

Aeris: Crybaby....

So, Aeris and Cloud soon found Tifa in a carriage.
<YOU see Cloud and a Aeris carriage driving by.>

Cloud: TIFA!!

Aeris: SHUT UP, MOFO!!!
*Cloud starts crying*
<CLOUD starts crying.>

~Yet to be continued~ <!-- google_ad_section_end -->
 
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lol! an FFVII parody huh? That's pretty funny! Would love to see more ^_^
 
~Continuing Now~

So, Aeris and Cloud finally found Tifa, but she headed for a place that Cloud thought was restricted.

Cloud: A-Aeris? C-could you go see who can go in or not?

Aeris: Whatever.
*Aeris walks up to the person in front guarding the place*
<AERIS the up in place. guarding front person to walks>

Aeris: Umm...only certain sexes come in here?

Guy: No. Actually, the master here is bisexual.

Aeris's thoughts: But Cloud doesn't know that. I can make him look like a fool....MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
*Aeris leaves*
<AERIS leaves.>

Cloud: Sooo...who can go in?

Aeris: Only girls, sorry.

Cloud: Well, guess I have to dress like a girl.

Aeris's thoughts: Yes, dance my little puppet, DANCE!!!

So Cloud gets a wig, dress, and some perfume on and they soon leave to go to the place. When they got there, they were led inside by the person outside to the master's office. There, they saw Tifa.

Tifa: CLOUD!!!

Cloud: Who?

Aeris: Little b*tch...

*Aeris gets into a cat fight with Tifa, and they tie*
<AERIS with and a tie. they Tifa, fight cat into gets>

Tifa: You...little...

Aeris: Feel the anger, my little puppet....dance.....DAAAAAANCE!!!

~to be continued~
 
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~continuing~

So, they soon were called into the room, where he would make the choice. Of course, it was a hard one...but, finally, he chose.


Donny: I choose HER!! *points to Cloud*


Someone: Is that his REAL name?

Yes, that's his name. This is the TRUE version. Anyways...

Everyone: HOLD IT!! That's not how it goes....

This is the TRUE version, not the other version you played on PS, dude.

Some Girl: I'M NOT A DUDE!!

Anyways, he chose Cloud.

Aeris: Meh heh heh.....MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I WIIIIN!!!

Cloud: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!

So, Cloud followed Donny into the room, where he suspected to have hot sweet sex with Donny.....

Donny: Come here my little girl......

Cloud: Ugh.....

He started to take off his clothes, whe all of a sudden, Tifa came in.

Tifa: HIYAAA!!! *does a matrix move to Donny*<DOES a to Donny. move matrix>

Cloud: TIFA!!

Tifa: CLOUD!!

*Aeris comes in*
<AERIS in. comes>

Aeris: Oh no.....NOT THE IDIOTS!!!

Donny: HEY!! Umm....can we talk about this....heh heh? *Donny pulls a rope to make Cloud, Tifa, and Aeris fall in a hole*
<DONNY and in a Aeris Cloud, to Tifa, hole. fall make rope pulls>

~yet to be continued~ <!-- google_ad_section_end -->

~Continuing~

Aeris, Cloud and Tifa dropped in the hole, and Cloud goes to help them up.

Cloud: Are you girls ok?
Tifa: ....You were about to kiss him.....
Cloud: I-I was acting!!
Tifa: But you were almost to his lips.....
Cloud: IT WOULDN'T MEAN ANYTHING!!!
Aeris: Cloud likes men, eh?
Cloud: NO!!! I LIKE BOOBS!!! BOOOOOOOOOBS!!!!
Aps: Hello? Monster trying to kill you here.....
Aeris: Yeah, you also like d*ck.....
Cloud: NOOOOOOO!!!!
Aps: Can you AT LEAST pay attention when I'm trying to eat you!?
Tifa: Cloud....you were about to kiss him.....an inch close to his face.....
Cloud: But I'm not gay!!! .....Not that there's anything wrong with that!!
Aps: THAT'S IT!!! *in sobby voice* I can't take this anymore! I'm going to the FFIX world!

So the monster grabs a hat, tie, and suitcase, and leaves....meanwhile at the FFIX world.....Zidane and Amarant are watching the story of FFVII through a magical crystal....thing....

Zidane: YES!!! SCORE ONE FOR US!!! *gets ready to high five Amarant*
Amarant: Touch me and your dead.
Zidane: .....You're almost as scary as Sephiroth......

With the monster gone, Cloud and the team leave to the top. They soon go to the Train Graveyard, and there, they see....CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW!!!

Audience: CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW!!?

THAT'S RIGHT!!! Anyways, he walks up to them, while Aeris is praying for the trains that were destroyed, and starts to talk.

Jack: Hello, mate!!
Cloud: OH MY GOSH!!! IT'S CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW!!! *pulls out a notebook and pen* Can I have your autograph, Ja--
Jack: CAPTAIN Jack!!! That goes for you too, person whose writing this!!
Me: Sorry.....
Captain Jack: Anyways.....

Then, out of the blue, Sephiroth comes, with an empty rum bottle in his hand.

Sephiroth: Hahahaha......
Captain Jack: *GASP* WHY IS THE RUM GONE!!?
Sephiroth: Why's the rum gone? You wanna know why? Because I drank it, you bastard.

Then, as Aeris is praying, Sephiroth stabs her, and the white materia falls and is taken by a black cat. Then, that black cat gets squished by a train that slipped, and then the white materia desenegrates for no good reason.

Cloud: Sephiroth! What are you doing here? You weren't supposed to come until the end of disc one!! Now who am I going to save from the Shinra bilding!?
Sephiroth: ....You can save yo momma, biatch.

And, once again, Cloud starts to cry.

~yet to be continued~
 
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This shit is funny. I love Cloud, but I love the way he's being portrayed as a bitch/crybaby/homo......
 
~continuing~

So, since Aeris has died, and Sephiroth--

Cloud: SEPHIROTH IS A MEANIIIIIIIIIE!!!!!

WILL YOU SHUT UP, YOU WUSS!!!?

Cloud: I'M NOT A WUSS!!!!!
Sephiroth: Hahaha....whatever you say, Cloud. Whatever you say.....

BE QUIET!!!! Ahem, anyways........Cloud was crying, not knowing what to do, when Zid, who was hiding in a bush, said....

Zid: Hey, aren't you guys supposed to go to the reactor and help Barret?
Sephiroth: The talking bush is right, you should go help him.
Cloud: B-but aren't YOU going to try and kill him?
Sephiroth: Please, and have hate-crime charges against me? I'm not stupid enough to kill a black person....
Tifa: What's that supposed to mean?
Sephiroth: Look, it's not my fault the government is so corrupt.....and stupid.....and........THEY'RE GOING TO DIE!!!!!

And so, Sephiroth flew away like a bird. Cloud and Tifa left to help Barret, leaving Ja--

Captain Jack: CAPTAIN JACK!!!

......Captain Jack alone to mourn for the empty rum bottles. Once Cloud and Tifa got to the reactor, Reno fell down from the reactor.

Cloud: AH!!! It's a guy whose cooler than me!!
Reno: I'm such a badass.......
Cloud: No you're not....
Reno: Hey, do YOU have red, long, spikey hair, and have all the ladies chasing after you?
Cloud: No....but Sephiroth has the ladies chasing after him.

Meanwhile, with Sephiroth.....Sephiroth is flying in the sky, when tons of airplanes start following him, filled with fangirls.

All The Fangirls At Once: OH MY GOD!!! IT'S SEPHIROTH!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Sephiroth: No.....NOOO!!!!

Back with Cloud.....then, Barret falls down with the team.

Barret: The pillars falling!!
Reno: I'm such a badass.....
Cloud: What!? But how!?
Barret: It's all the f#ckin' Triple A dude's fault!!
Triple A Dude: Sorry....
Tifa: Don't be sorry!! Just go and die!! No one likes Triple A anyways!!!!
Triple A Dude: Um.....ok....

And so, the Triple A Dude gets a gun out and shoots himself. So it sounds like--

Some Guy: HOOPLAH!!!!

WILL YOU PEOPLE STOP INTERUPTING ME!!? GOSH!!! And now, I will start to cry. WAAAAA--

Audience: HE'S SORRY!!!

Yeah, he'd better be....anyways, Reno calls a helicopter to pick him up.

Cloud: HEY HERE DO YOU--

He would've finished his sentence, but inside was....wait. I WAS THE ONE INSIDE!!!

Me: HELP MEEEEE!!!!!
Cloud, Barret, and Tifa: THE NARRARATOR!!!!
Reno: I'm such a badass.....I'm so bad, that I'm gonna take this girl for Hojo to operate on.....yeah, what now?

And the helicopter leaves, with me inside....why me?

~yet to be continued~
 
LMFAO!!! This gets more hilarious every single time! :lol: I really can't wait to read more :P
 
Yay she put me in this chapter ^_^


~Continuing~


With me as a hostage, Aeris dead, the FFIX world spying on the FFVII world....

Zidane: *gasp* They're onto us, Amarant!
Amarant: So?
Zidane: YOU DON'T CARE!?
Amarant: No, not really.....
Zidane: ....You're no fun.
Amarant: *punches Zidane*
Zidane In Sobby Voice: Why do you hate me!?

....and J--

Captain Jack: CAPTA-- *gets shot by me*

....er......now dead......you could say that there was certainly a mess of things. But first things first. Go tell Aeris's mom that Aeris is dead......wait.....but what about me!?

Cloud: You can die for all I care!!
Barret: You shut the f*ck up! She's the narrarator! She controls this world!!
Tifa: Which leads to the question.....why did she have herself get captured?

Because, I like eggs.

Barret: What the f*ck does that have to do with anything!?

It has everythig to do with anything. How do you think Sephiroth's so strong? Because he eats eggs!

Sephiroth: Yep, that's true.....
Cloud: What are you doing here!?
Sephiroth: Oh, sorry, I'm not supposed to be here am I?

Sephiroth leaves, while whistling a tune. Once they got to Aeris's house and told Aeris's mom about Aeris's death, she started to cry.

Aeris's Mom: Why did she have to die!?
Cloud: ....Blame the narrarator.

Look, I'd rather of had Cloud or Tifa die than her, so instead of making it harder on myself, I had her die early, so the pain could be easier.

Aeris's Mom: Oh.....then I forgive you.
Cloud: What!?
Tifa: Tell me....what was Aeris like?
Aeris's Mom: Well....

So Aeris's Mom told the others about Aeris, and her being a Cetra, or Ancient. It's very long, so I will not include dialogue.....

Doomsday: Lazy bastard! *gets shot by me*

Anyways.....

Audience: You shot Doomsday!!

He didn't respect mah authoritah. Anyways.....once she was done explaining.....they headed out to save me.....how pathetic....

Team: What?

I'm going t be saved by Tifa and Cloud....

Tifa: HEY!!!
Cloud: Why do you hate us!?

I don't hate Barret. He's cool. But you guys are just plain annoying....

Tifa: Why I oughta!!

Just try and do something to me. Oh, that's right! YOU CAN'T!!! Firstly, I'm with Reno right now....

Reno: Yeah, what now? The badass has got the narrarator! That's what makes me a badass.....I'm such a badass.....

.....Secondly, I'm the narrarator. I control the story.

Tifa: Then why'd you kill Aeris?

Because I can.

Cloud: ....damn you.

~yet to be continued~
 
~continuing~

So now I'm going to be rescued by the wuss, Cloud...

Cloud: HEY!!!

The person that everyone thinks Cloud really belongs with--which really annoys me because it's Aeris that he really belongs with--Tifa....

Tifa: That's not true!! Or is it.....?

And the cool guy, Barret.

Barret: Yo, homie!

Anyways, they figured out a way to get to the ShinRa building from the city that implanted the seed of doubt in Cloud....whether he was gay or not.

Cloud: I'M NOT GAAAAAAY!!!! *cries*

All they really had to do was get three batteries, which cost 500 gil.

Cloud Holding The Batteries: Why couldn't we just kill the guy, Barret?
Barret: 'Cause, foo!! Our a**es would be in the papers all over!! We don't want more attention drawn to us!!

So they climbed the wire, and used the batteries to get through the obstacles. Once they were in front of ShinRa building, they stopped to look at it.

Cloud: *trying to hold up his sword, but fails to*
Barret: *loads his gun arm*
Tifa: *punching and kicking the air*

Then, they were off. They decided to do a full frontal attack, even though Cloud didn't want to.

Cloud: I-I'm not scared!! I just....don't want to have blood all over my sword!! Yeah, that's it!! I mean, I just cleaned it!!

Riiiiiight, you can barely pick that thing up.

Cloud: STOP PICKING ON MEEEEEE!!!! *cries*

Anyways, once they were inside the building, they killed some of the guards and went up the elevator. They went up....and up....and up......until they hit the floor they needed to be on. There, they sneaked past the guards, and got to the upper levels AKA the floors above the 60th floor. (dun dun dun.....) There, they found out a few things about ShinRa, while completing the little obstacles on each floor....and saw the scientist Hojo, president ShinRa, the Turks, governor, and heads of the different programs of ShinRa. They figured out a little about what they wanted to do with me, and another specimen....

Hojo: That girl....you say she's the last real Ancient?
Reno: Er.....y-y-yeah, sir. Now, do you think I'm a badass?
Hojo: ....Sorry, MY only love is Jenova! *dreamy eyes*
Reno: ? Woah, duuuuude, stay away from me, man!
President ShinRa: So, what do you plan to do with her?
Hojo: That is MY business, and MINE alone. You can't make ME tell you, pricks.
Space Program Representative: HEEEEEEY!!!! WHO WANTS PIE!!! I WANT PIEEEEEE!!!! PIEEEEEEEE!!!! PIEEEEEEEE!!!!
Turks: O_O
Other Representatives: O_O
President ShinRa: O_O
Hojo: O_O
The Team: O_O

O_O

President ShinRa: Okay.....now......onward.
Cloud: What do you think they will do to the nararrator?

Who gives a sh*t? SAVE ME, D*MNIT!!!!

Cloud: Fine! Don't be so mean.... *whimpers*

*sigh* Anyways....they continued with their journey beyond the 60th floor. (dun dun dun....) Soon, they got the key to the special elevator, but the Turks were one step ahead of 'em. They were caught!

Cloud While Being Hand-cuffed In The Elevator By The Turks: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! NOOOO--

WILL YOU SHUT UP!!!?

~to be continued~
 
This is showing more and more promise. I loved the part questioning Cloud's sexuality! :P Please carry on with this, it's getting better and better!
 
~continuing now~

So, now the team was caught. They were sent up to the President so he could unveil his master plan.

President ShinRa In Squeaky Voice: I'm going to take over the world. He hahahahaha!!!!
Cloud: You'll never take over the world, 'cause your high!!!
Barret: Yo man! Shut the ##@!! up!! You know what a man can do when he's high? Just look at George Bush!!
Cloud: Oh, right.
President ShinRa In Squeaky Voice: Take them away, or else you wil feel the wrath of my nuts!!!
Tifa: O_O Okaaaaaay.........

So, they were taken away....until....UNTIL.....UNTIL......

Audience: UNTIL WHAT!!!!??

Until.....GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE CAME!!!!

Audience: T_T What?

That's right!! George Of The Jungle!!!

George Of The Jungle: OOO OOO AAH AAH!!!! *swings on a vine and yells his jungle-like yell*
Tifa: George!!
Cloud: Watch--
Barret: Out--
Audience: For--
Amarant And Zidane Watching From The Crystal Ball: That--
George Of The Jungle: *crashes into a tree that magically appeared*
Everyone (Including Me): Ooooo......tree.......
Tree: *falls over and kills the people taking them away*
Tifa: Woah......very--

Odd?

Tifa: Let's just go....

And so, the alarm was sounded! They ran to a small cage....where I was.

Barret: Narrarator!!!
Me: Yeah, what up dawg? *knuckles Barret*
Cloud: Man, I was hoping we wouldn't find her....
Me: *loads shotgun*
Cloud: *cowers in fear*
Tifa: Are you okay?
Me: Oh, yeah, besides the fact that I got captured, got locked in a cage half my size, and get saved by Cloud....yeah, I'm fine!!
Tifa: Leave Cloud alone!!
Me: Yo momma sleeps with chihuahuas!!!
Tifa: What!!!?
Me: I saw her do it!! She did!!!
Barret: Yo, let's get the hell outta here!!! *shoots lock off*
Hojo: Where do you think you're going?
The Team And Me: *gasp* O_O
Hojo: She's MY experiment. MINE alone. So......I must be alone so I can sleep with Jenova....
Me: You're sick, you know that?
Hojo: Silence! I am not sick.....you are just.....just.....
Me: You slept with yo momma.
Hojo: Curse you!!

All of a sudden, a cage drops, revealing Nanaki. Yay, Nanaki!!

Cloud: Why is he so much cooler than me?
Nanaki: Get me the hell out!! >_<
Me: *uses shotgun to open lock*
Nanaki: (while he's jumping on Hojo and biting his face) Jumps on Hojo and bites his face.

Audience: So....basically....Nanaki says everything that he's about to do?

That's right!!

Nanaki: Tries to bite Hojos face off, but fails.
Cloud: You....you know you're talking out loud, right?
Nanaki: You shut up, for I am much more smarter than you!
Tifa: Why, hello there wittle puppy! ^_^ You are soooo cute!! *scratches Nanaki's chin*
Nanaki: Ooooo.....that feels good...... pounds foot rapidly on the ground.
Me: LET'S GET OUTTA HERE!!!

And so, we all leave, but when we go, we see....SEPHIROTH!!!

The Team: Sephiroth!!?
Sephiroth: *standing over President ShinRa's dead body* Uuuh....I can explain.
Cloud: What are you doing here!!?
Sephiroth: Well.....you would laugh.
Tifa: Tell us, or die!!!
Sephiroth: I'm not afraid of you.
Tifa: O_O Oh.
Me: What about ME? *grabs chainsaw* *murder music comes on*
Sephiroth: O_O OKAY OKAY!!! I.....I found this puppy.....
Nanaki: I'm not a puppy.
Sephiroth: No, it wasn't you....it was soooo cuuuuute!!! ^_^ But, I followed it here to this building.....and it told me that ShinRa was an evil man that he wanted dead, so I killed him. But.....Hojo killed the puppy..... *tear*...
Everyone: Awwww.....
Cloud: Oh, so I'm a wuss when I cry, but when he cries, it's sad!!?

Hmmm.....yeah, basically.

Cloud: GO TO HELL!!! *cries*

Wuss.

~yet to be continued~
 
George of the Jungle and everyone going aww to Sephy is hilarious. Well done! Well done, my friend! Keep carrying this on! ;)
 
~continuing now~

So, after Sephiroth told his story of the cute wittle puppy, Cloud started crying. Is that where I left off?

Audience: *nods*

Oh, ok. So, Cloud was jealous of Sephiroth being able to cry and not have people call him a wuss, but before he could act about it, like killing Sephiroth right there....a Flying Monkey came. O_O

Everyone (except me): WHAAAAAT!!!!?

That's right. It was in the sky.

Barret: Look up in the sky!
Tifa: It's a bird!!!
Cloud: It's a plane!!
Me: It's a Flying Monkey, you idiots. T_T
Nanaki: I don't get it.
The Team: o_O
Nanaki: I mean, I've just never seen someone go "OH MY GOD!! IT'S A BIRD!!"
Tifa: T_T Shut up.
Me: But he does have a point.
Sephiroth: Yeah, he does.
Tifa: But....
Cloud: They're right Tifa. You're just plain stupid for all of a sudden shouting "It's a bird!!". T_T And so are all those people who screamed it during those stupid Superman movies.
Sephiroth: GO TO HELL, STUPID PEOPLE!!!
Me: YEAH!! *high fives Sephiroth*
Barret: But you people are missing the point!! There's a FLYING MONKEY!!!
Me: ...........I once saw a Flying Penguin.
The Team: O_O
Me: And Pink Squirrels are after me.....>_> <_<
Barret: SHUT THE |=u(|< UP, F00!!!

The Flying Monkey kept getting closer, and closer, and closer....until....they realized it WASN'T a monkey!!

Audience: *Le Gasp*!! O_O
Some Stupid Guy: What a twist!!!
Digi: T_T *shoots Some Stupid Guy in the head*

Er....anyways.....it was actually......THE PRESIDENT'S SON!!!

Sephiroth: Woah....
Cloud: There's no real difference, huh?
Me: Nope.
Nanaki: HOLY ZEBRANESS!!!!
Tifa: Whaaaaaaa?
Nanaki: I, uh, can't say bad words.....
Me: You poor soul....
Nanaki: *sniff*


So, Rufus landed next to them, studying everyone.

Rufus: Why, hello....
Me: OH MY GOSH!!! HE REALLY IS A MONKEY!!! XD
Everyone (including me): *starts laughing hysterically*
Rufus: But....what about Cloud?
Me: He ain't as bad as you!!
Cloud: R-really? I FEEL SO SPECIAL!!!
Rufus: *starts crying*
Everyone (including me): *starts laughing hysterically again*

~yet to be continued~ <!-- google_ad_section_end -->
 
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