Serious Friend Issue

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ff1-10

Blue Mage
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Mar 29, 2013
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So I'm currently having an issue with a friend, and I don't know...if I handled it correctly, if I was right/wrong.

I chose her to interview for my class about an interesting topic concerning her life. Before the week it was due, I already let her know about it and we set up the time that it would be the Friday that just passed. She's a busy person, and I know it, and this is two days before the paper is done and I already told her when it was due, yet I was okay with it because I know she's busy. "I'll be free Friday." That's what she says.

Thursday night comes along and she tells me, "I don't know if I will be able to because I will be running around trying to get my car fixed. I'll tell you about it some time." I ask her if she can then do the interview on the phone. "I don't know, I'll try to make time for it."

WTH! I finally told her how I felt. There were two occasions when something emotionally upsetting happened to me and she made me wait 2 weeks, and then 3 for the other one and the only reason why it stopped at three weeks was because I called her up because I was tired of waiting around. I never even got a text saying, "Hey I got your text. We can talk about it some time." She knew how important/hurtful those things were probably to me, and yet she stalled on me for that long. Even if I was president, I would never make her wait not even to a week after contacting me. In reality, I actually make sure to get back to her before the day ends that she contacts me.

I told her how I knew his was gonna happen, how could she do this to me, mentioned the other two occasions, and how I'm hurt by it. It's been 3 days and she hasn't responded.
 
You're right to be upset, but there is no real need to hold "I knew this was going to happen" over her head. The reality of the situation is that it is on you just as much, if not more, because you chose someone very occupied to make room and waited so long to get it done.

Personally, I wouldn't rely on someone who makes me wait on serious emotional problems to be there for me when it counted and would stop confiding in them. I would suggest the same, but not every relationship is built on logic, but rather history and bonds and that is just as okay.

In the future, just don't rely on them for something with a deadline like this. Make realistic decisions about your schoolwork. That being said, I hope you and your friend work this out and that all is well. If you confide in them and actually wait 2 weeks for something serious, it eludes to you caring about this person a lot...so I just hope it works out.
 
That's true. I do feel like I was a little too harsh on the words, but I don't regret what I said. I feel like if it were me, I would drop what I was doing and be there for her. We've known each other since middle school, and now we're in college. We used to be best friends and things drifted a part and we've actually somehow gotten to being consistent about keeping up with one another this time, so...I really wish she would just be there for me as much as I am willing to be. And yeah I guess if she's not...I really need to rethink how I care for her.
 
I personally don't think you should fee bad. Sometimes, situations like these are needed to get a clear view of who's there for you, who's genuinely just busy, and who doesn't give a flying whatever about you and your well being. I do not think you're wrong in asking her, it shows you put faith in her to help you out with something.

I don't think it's fair she said it was fine, and then bails on the last second. I have a hard time dealing with people who aren't upfront or stick to their word, and that easily pisses me off. So, I don't think you're wrong in that.

I do think you should avoid setting yourself up for failure. Let her make the effort next time, it's okay to wait it out sometimes to see if they end up doing it - ifthat would prove something to you.
 
Yesterday, I actually did write to her again saying that it's already been 2 days since I wrote what I did and she hasn't even responded, even though the topic I brought up was about her not responding to my texts and/or calls in a reasonable amount of time. And, she's left me with no one for the interview and still hasn't even contacted me about it, which tells me that she doesn't even care. No response even when I wrote that. Today she has not written anything either. It's like...how could you do this to me? She's either taking her sweet time again because of her "busy" life, or she's never going to speak to me again. If somethings are up, let me know! But she told me, "I'll tell you about it some time." Some time!? It's the reason why you're bailing on me and "some time"!?! Ugh...very frustrating. Or she's shocked that I even stood up for myself because this is the first time I've ever actually gotten "mad" at her after all these years. I feel like I give and I give...and all I'm asking for is for it back or for something close to it.

And thanks, guys, for the advice. It really means a lot.
 
Some people are like that though. They can take forever to tell you what exactly it is that you did to upset them. Meanwhile it leaves you hanging, playing the guessing game and/or trying to apologise for something you haven't a clue you've done.

There can be two sides to that coin: one, they're unsure, ashamed and possibly afraid to tell you how they feel (hence the avoidance); two, they've already judged you and/or the situation and for some reason wish to distance themselves from you. Either way, it still leaves you without a chance to talk things out and find some sort of compromise or neutral ground.

These situations are awful (possibly for both parties) but for your own benefit, there will have to be a level of acceptance of how things are between you. Since she isn't prepared to hear you, perhaps it would be best to hold you peace and give it time.

I'm sorry about your situation and hope it works itself out in the end.

I also hope this post didn't come across as high handed, I don't like to presume and give advice on such things, particularly since I hate it when people judge situations they have little to no idea about.
 
Still no response. What do you say to someone like this? I honestly mean this when I say it wouldn't be surprising if she finally actually said something two months from now.

Edit: And I mean like, what do you say when this person actually "shows up" (responds) after so long?
 
If this has happened before why have you allowed it to happen again with no backup plan? Don't rely on her again, simple.
 
Harlequin said:
If this has happened before why have you allowed it to happen again with no backup plan? Don't rely on her again, simple.
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You don't just cut someone you consider "close" off like that, it's really not that simple. Also, if it's "usually" a close friend, your mind doesn't automatically think "hey, let's make a backup plan here."

However, I agree with what @Harlequin is saying, do not rely on her again. I'm a people person, I get along with pretty much everyone, and I also like to keep my friends close. However, this seems to just hurt you in the long run, @ff1-10. Some people just aren't worth it. It may sound harsh, and please remember, this is obviously an outsider's point of view that's looking in, but I think that was your point when creating this thread.

I know the feeling where for a long while you've just been good for someone and then when they can manage on their own, or are too busy it's too difficult for them to even respond to a simple text. People like that, in my opinion, are really not worth it. Especially if you consider them friends. If it were me, and they decided to finally respond to me in the next couple of months I'd personally be over it. I'm super understanding when it comes to real life issues, but people that don't care to check back up on you, while you do that with them should really not be considered friends. Friends to me are people I can count on.

Just because you're hurt and upset doesn't mean you shouldn't forgive and forget, though. In your own best interest it's probably best if you do both. That doesn't mean you have to get lured into the same shitty situation with this person again in the future, though. Let's say you've learned your lesson. You can be there for her if it makes you feel better, but don't let yourself get taken advantage of.

A good person doesn't equal being a push-over and not speaking your mind. You're still a good person even if you were to cut certain people out of your lives. Make choices for you, not to please everyone else. It doesn't make you a bad person. At all.

I hope you feel better soon, feeling down about stuff like this can really be dreadful. Don't hesitate to post your issues or talk to us on the forums. People will have different opinions, but I'm all for helping our community out if they need to get something off their chest.

Remember: don't get bitter towards friendships in general. She's one person. She's not the whole world. ;)

Hang in there. =]
 
Six said:
You don't just cut someone you consider "close" off like that, it's really not that simple. Also, if it's "usually" a close friend, your mind doesn't automatically think "hey, let's make a backup plan here."
Click to expand...

I see what you're saying but there are some situations that call for it. I'm not saying she should definitely cut her off, but just don't make that mistake again. If someone lets me down I don't necessarily cut them off but you learn to place them in the category they made for themselves. When we arrange something with friends we all know the ones that are probably going to come through and the ones that are going to flake. It doesn't mean you can't rely on the latter or if they let you down you have to take drastic action regarding your friendship, but rely on them and sometimes it'll come up trumps and at other times it'll bomb. Take the risk of relying on them for something important and you'll probably end up in @ff1-10's situation, having no one else to blame but yourself.
 
Harlequin said:
I see what you're saying but there are some situations that call for it. I'm not saying she should definitely cut her off, but just don't make that mistake again. If someone lets me down I don't necessarily cut them off but you learn to place them in the category they made for themselves. When we arrange something with friends we all know the ones that are probably going to come through and the ones that are going to flake. It doesn't mean you can't rely on the latter or if they let you down you have to take drastic action regarding your friendship, but rely on them and sometimes it'll come up trumps and at other times it'll bomb. Take the risk of relying on them for something important and you'll probably end up in @ff1-10's situation, having no one else to blame but yourself.
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Right, I agree. It actually stemmed from a converstation I had with Mitsuki the other day that sometimes, people who have relationships falter, give up on friendships altogether. I don't think she should do that. One person bringing you down is not worth giving up on amazing friendships you can have in the future.

I agree though, if you set yourself up for disaster you have no one to blame but yourself. I think the key question to ask yourself here is "is this person worth it?". If you can answer that, you stick with them through their flaws. However if you make yourself unhappy, I'd say it's time for a drastic change, like Harlequin said.
 
"Is this person worth it"? Everyone is worth another chance.

It seems to me that ff1-10 wants to forgive her friend and try again, if only she would have the opportunity to talk to her. There are very few occasions in which distancing yourself from a friend helps, since it hampers all chance of reconciliation. I believe that even if you risk being hurt again, you should keep trying, and only when the other person pushes you away for good should you stop.

What I'm trying to say is that, even when a person lets us down so many times, it can only be a good thing to give them another chance. I don't think we should judge a person by asking ourselves "Are they worth it?".
 
We don't all need to share the same opinion. Heavily depending on what someone does, definitely not everyone is worth another chance, hence the suggestion that she could ask herself that, only she can answer that.

You definitely don't have to be a rug for people to walk on if you've already given them so many chances. Again, I hope it works out for you in the end. Everyone deserves to have friends around them that care. =]
 
Six said:
We don't all need to share the same opinion. Heavily depending on what someone does, definitely not everyone is worth another chance, hence the suggestion that she could ask herself that, only she can answer that.
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I know we don't all have the same opinion; I'm just stating my own. I just fundamentally disagree with the belief that not everyone is worth another chance. I think it's wrong to base your actions on your human judgement of the worth of another. I believe that even if you have given someone many chances before, you can try to forgive them one more time; to do so is a sign of courage and kindness, not the actions of a "Welcome mat".

ff1-10
I guessed you were looking for opinions on this issue, which is why I mentioned the above. If this wasn't your intention, I apologise.
 
ff1-10 My apologies for this thread turning into something it shouldn't. Derailing it is pretty inconsiderate.


Again, like I said before, I hope whatever needs to be done on your end works and you come out a happier person. If you need us, we're here. =]
 
If I were you ff1-10 I'd be disappointed in myself for having relied on someone whom I knew had a history of letting me down. It's easy to criticise from the outside looking in and we do it even when we know we shouldn't but there's your answer really. It's nice to be able to rely on people, but it's always a gamble. Take risks on the wrong people and your relationship is going to suffer.
 
well growing up there are always going to be people who you think are friends that are not really your friends

some people just aren't good at consolation. personally, i am one of those people. i don't like to listen to people's personal problems because there isn't a lot i can do to help them with them in the first place, but it especially irritates me when there is absolutely nothing i can do about it and they are kind of just throwing themselves a pity party and expecting me to say hell yeah to everything they are saying while they mentally beat themselves down.

sometimes there are things you just have to deal with yourself. or maybe i just feel like that because i don't need or even want support from someone else in my struggles because it amounts to nothing more than consolation, which generally brings me more negatives than positives.

so because i am jaded like that, it is difficult for me to even tell how much someone really even appreciates support and makes it even harder to say something that is meaningful.

but i think that, even as hard as it is for me to understand, to be able to say that you love someone even if only in a platonically strict manner, it is a line you will have to cross. and if someone doesn't want to cross that line, it just means that they aren't going to be there when you need them. doesn't make them someone of despicable character, unfriendly or someone that you can't enjoy spending time with - it just means that they are not dependable. It happens.

I mean, I kind of have a friend who is this way. He hasn't seen one of our friends in a while and has gone to a friend of that friend's home a few times to "retrieve" him and it's really shaken the boat. The friend in question gives the other friend shit all the time for never coming around, but he just doesn't get it because he doesn't work the job that we do. It'll keep you busy.

its like when we go to party man we're trying to get fucked up and see some titties not stroke his ego. but he has so much anxiety and such poor self image. it's really hard to listen to him when hes all like poor 'lil 'ol me! its like hes a cool dude to chill with when he is chill but when he is full blown its so hard to handle him, i dont even feel like im talking to a guy that i even know.

it's like, i've been there. i know what it's like. and i know that no words of advice that anyone ever gave me changed anything. its like, you can tell someone how to get over it, how to deal with it, give them the answer to life and it just doesn't mean shit until you really, fully comprehend it. it's like i'm speaking in riddles until you gain the drive to really understand.

and even then, you know it's not any deep complex philosophical shit. you think about it and expect it to be, then you realize it's not and think that can't be right, but you know that it is. then everybody who posts simple answers to what seem to be complex questions for the inquirer seem like less of an asshole. and i say less of an asshole because there are people who just actually don't give a fuck and throw out answers to questions like they're making a mcdouble.
 
Thanks again, guys.

It's true that I shouldn't have trusted her as much considering those other times and knowing how busy she is. I didn't think she would do this to me, though, for a school assignment, but surprisingly, she did. And when I asked her to, she felt honored, but now I know that even so and even though it was really important for me...she still didn't even show up.

I do feel run-down from this friendship. We used to be best friends back in our younger school days but grew a part before getting to high school and she never talked to me about it. I thought we were close enough that she would at least sit down with me and confront me about the change before completely going off, but she didn't. She just...left. We went to the same high school and she and I would say hi here and there and she was there a few times when I wanted to talk about something, but...for a long time after that, she just seemed to avoid me and act like I wasn't even there. She told me she felt guilty for not keeping me as a friend and didn't know if she should approach me because she felt like I hated her, which was actually true. I actually did hate her for leaving me and acting like I didn't even really exist and easily hanging out with other people in front of me. But I'm kind of over that, considering we kinda talked more about it recently and because of that, and because we had been talking more consistently, Idk...that past grudge just went away. And I don't really hold that against her anymore, considering people are allowed to go away for their own growth, but I guess I just needed time to realize that and I guess it's the inner greed of being attached to the person and wanting them to be there with you forever. But even so, I'm saying it because it had a big impact on me getting worn down by/from her. So now that there's this issue, I feel like I'm being stepped on again which tears me down even more.

We ended up going to the same college, too, and after exchanging an awkward glance, she wrote to me via FB and wanted to try, yet again after failing quite a couple times in high school due to her not keeping up, to reconnect. The disconnection happened again after a few meetings, then in the summer I reached out to her because I didn't have anyone else to turn to about something and that's when we discussed reconnecting again and being more real about it this time. And I feel like it really became that because we had talked more consistently and hung out and...things were just more consistent and seemed to go in a more positive direction, but then...this. And now she's not saying anything.

It's true that I wanna forgive her, but this time it's on my own terms of her having to respond to me within a week when I contact her and wanna talk about something important. I don't think that's even asking her for a lot. And if she can't do that, then, I was going to tell her that I can't do this friendship with her anymore because I've dealt with enough from this friendship. I wouldn't despise her or act like she's not there...but she'd be an acquaintance.

I care because I have just about almost complete trust in her, which I think is not only hard for me but a lot of people to find and have. And I know she feels the same because she's confided in me about things that she hasn't told anyone else. Why do this to me then? Idk. It's hard to let go, but at the same time, I'm tired and I feel disrespected, so if she can't do that for me then I'm gone.
 
Don't beat yourself up too much, it's not your fault. Trusting friends and people in general is completely fine. It's just that when you start feeling like you're being taken advantage of or just used for whenever they're bored, it's really not a nice feeling to have. Which is what I was gathering from your previous posts, hence Tom and I bringing up the suggestion of either distancing yourself or breaking contact, you know "learn from your mistakes". You have to do what's right for you, outsiders can only give their opinion if they've been in similar situations, or have an idea of how they would react in your situation. What's right for someone else may do the complete opposite for you.

For me, I've just learned to set a limit for myself. Everyone makes mistakes and I don't think you should hold a grudge, it's extremely hard to let go of those but the truth is everyone is going to continue to make mistakes. Grudges stop you from developing yourself, because you have this negative cloud hanging over your head. For you it's best to make a decision you're happy with regarding this situation, continue to feel stepped on (like you said) or change something about it. Cutting contact, giving what you receive, etc.

However, I honestly hope you won't "do what she did to you", don't stoop to silly levels. Make mature decisions and go from there. It's okay to admit if you've made a mistake, it doesn't define who you are or what friendships are. And, you know, sometimes... You just gotta remember that some people grow apart even without fights or malicious content being involved. It happens, sadly. Even though you want to keep loved ones close to you.

I'm sorry it's been so difficult for you. I don't think the ups and downs helped much at all and only made you more confused. I think without looking into the opinions of others too much you should ask yourself what's best for you. Only you can judge your situation. =]
 
People are strange.

That's something I remind myself as I walk this earth and meet the people I meet.

People have all sorts of social quirks. You just have to learn to know the person and either adapt or confront (verbally, and with gentle concern, obviously!).
Try and understand the psychology behind the person. From what you know about her and the situations in her life can you explain her behaviour? Don’t waste hours on this task if it’ll create more grief, but a quick game of ‘In Her Shoes’ may help.

Her letting you down and failing to respond to you is repeated behaviour and seems to be part of her character now, unless something deeper is happening there behind the scenes.

It might be that this person is friendly on the outside and always offering to be there for people and do things, but when it comes to the moment itself she backs out. Sometimes being a ‘Yes’ person isn’t always the kindest approach if it leads to letting people down all of the time. From what you know, does she let others down too?

You mention that she admitted to feeling guilt for losing touch with you in the past, and then she kept her distance because of this. Perhaps this still continues to an extent and she feels as if she is letting you down, and doesn’t know how to face it. Perhaps during a phase she attempted to branch out with new friends (it happens), and eventually felt guilty about leaving you behind. Now older and busier, although she has spoken with you and made suggestions of friendship with you again, she may not be able to (or may not be comfortable with) returning to how things were before, particularly if that guilt is still with her.

As others here have said it depends on how much you are willing to cope with. If this is how she is forever now, would you be happy if she only responded to you on a casual and unreliable basis even though you want a deeper connection again?

If you think that you can cope and just accept that this is how she is now, then once you come to accept this you might be able to move on in this way, keeping her at the casual distance that she is keeping you at. If that is impossible, and you’ll be upset and left hanging on by her, then perhaps it is better for you to let it go. There doesn’t have to be an event or a scene made about it, and things can still be cordial, but if you put her at the very back of your mind and focus on befriending others or on developing other elements of your life then in time you might develop friendships containing reciprocated respect and happiness. The sort of friendship that you want and deserve may blossom elsewhere.
 
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