Original The Abyss Is Forever

Eight

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I thought, I might as well join in with Ami and Danny again...now I'm back and all.

Unfortunately, it's layout isn't in the best of state at the moment, (I found out a way to solve my problem, but the only bad thing is, it ignores when you start a new paragraph.

I'm going to sort it out tommorow, but if you can't wait, here it is in, 'layout not good at the moment' form

Edit = Hoozahs are in order, I've managed to sort the layout, so now it'll be easier to read, I have also put thoughts in Italics as well as the memoirs, if i've missed anything do not hesitate to tell me.

The Abyss is Forever

A prophecy, yet to be fulfilled...Summoners, Seal Masters, Fate, Blood, The Abyss, these are but a few things which will play key roles in this prophecy, I have no knowledge of when this time may come, maybe this prophecy is an illusion, a false hope...I know not. All I can do is hope...hope...for the sake of the world.
~ Denzel LaMarck, 1935 – 2003
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Chapter 1 - Summoners and Seal Masters

A ruined city, collapsed buildings, piles after piles of rubble, and the twilight of sunrise. Suddenly, gunshots were heard, a 16 year old teenager speeds through, avoiding them bullets, jumping on the piles of rubble, as he fronts flips, ducks, and dodges bullets coming his way.
Filden Gurito, a 16 year old ninja, and a born summoner. He has brown buzz cut, just over enough to be classed as a skinhead, he is about 5 ft 8 in height, green eyes, quite muscular, a scar under his left eye, and mildly tanned. His attire was a green polo shirt with a brown sleeveless jacket over it, baggy black trousers, red gloves and white trainers.

Filden continued running until he came to what appeared to be a dead end, but instead of slowing down, he simply continued running, and as he came up to the wall, he quickly rested one foot against it, and ran up it, charging towards the top of the building. As he reached the top, there was a girl and a man waiting for him up there, both kneeling down, as if hiding.

The girl was Zeria Iiyasei, 17 years old. She was 5 ft 7, skinny but strong, with long fiery red hair tied with a black ribbon. She had viper yellow eyes, pale skin, a dragon tattoo around her left leg, and two Z tattoos, one being on the back of her neck, and the other being on her left shoulder. Her attire consisted of loose black pants with a silver design spanning from the bottom of the pant leg to the calf on the side with straps on the side, a black leather lace up tank top, a long black cloak, black boots, a silver necklace, and black leather vambraces with metal bars in between the leather on her arm.

The man was Kamui Shiro, aged 17. He had pale skin, black hair, and dark eyes. He wore a black suit with a black cloak. He is quite tall.

Zeria waved to Filden, and then gestured for him to come to her, Filden rushed over and got on his knees near his two companions. Kamui looked around, and then nodded.

“Ok, now listen carefully...” Kamui whispered,
As hard as it may be for you two...
“I am going to begin explaining the plan, do not miss a single detail, for I shall say this only once...”

Filden and Zeria nodded at their leader, ready to hear the plan.

“I have a plan that will get this mission done fast, and without hassle. The first thing we have to do is...”
“Ouch!” Zeria screamed at the top of her voice, “Filden you stepped on my hand again!”
“Maybe if you stop putting it in front of me!” Filden shouted as the vein on his forehead began to show, revealing a cross shape,
“I’ll stop putting it in front of you when you back away from me!” Zeria shouted as her vein also began to show...

Kamui smacked his hand against his forehead, closing his eyes also, as the two teenagers began chucking abuse at each other.

“Loudmouth!” Filden shouted,
“Slug Ninja!” Zeria replied,
“Horse arse!”
“Mechanic geek!”
Kamui’s vein started showing up also, as he commanded, “Shut up, and grow the hell up! Both of you!”

Filden and Zeria then immediately went silent, like toddlers do when an adult shouts.

“The idea of being in a team is to work together properly!” Abigail! End training Illusionary seal!”

Suddenly, a hole ripped in the middle of the sky, revealing darkness, the hole then got bigger and bigger, as it curled to the sides, and then curled to the ground, as if it was a globe. Once the ground disappeared; the three began to fall back as if someone pushed them from the front of the bodies off a cliff.

Filden then gasped, he woke up on a chair he appeared resting on. He looked to his right and left to see Zeria and Kamui also, and on their foreheads was glowing seals, and the same was on Filden. The three then looked at each other; the seals on their heads began to fade away. They then got up, Filden then stretched as if he had been asleep for a while. The room they was in was a small lounge, there was a bookcase that took up one wall, a door leading out was on the wall to the left of that bookcase wall, and opposite that bookcase was a fireplace, and the last wall, to the right of the bookcase, had one window that stretched from ceiling to ground, and had a white line in the centre going down, and three lines going across that intersection with that line.

“Seriously...once you two learn to stop arguing, I’m pretty sure we’ll be sorted,” A young male voice said from the door.

The door then opened, and from it, revealed to be Rene Skylar. 17 years of age, and Filden’s long time best friend. Spiked medium length light brown hair, blue eyes, 5 ft 11, and slightly tanned. Rene’s clothing consisted of baggy blue trousers, a white trainers, and a red sleeveless jacket with a white vest under it.

“Hmph! No different from your argument with Faith the other day about her ‘affecting your aim by wearing a tank top’ you pervert!” Zeria growled at Rene,
“She’s got you there, bud,” Filden sighed with his eyes closed,
“Hey! I understand it was a hot day...but...” Rene then began to think,
“What? No decent excuses?” Zeria smirked,
Kamui then interrupted, “Enough.” Everyone in the room then turned their attention to Kamui, “Now, I know that no group will have everything about them in common...and I understand there will be arguments occasionally...but...”
“...We’re taking the piss?” Filden finished for Kamui,
“Well...yes. If we want to get this done...if we want any missions at all, then we need to try and get our acts together, I mean, you two, shouting at each other, you wouldn’t do that in the middle of the battlefield will you now?” Kamui asked,
Filden and Zeria both went quite, about five seconds went by, and Filden eventually sighed, “I guess we should try not to fight...”
Zeria closed her eyes while crossing them; she then sighed, “I know, I know,”
“Well, now we’ve got that established, we can try and continue up on this, say, tomorrow, with no arguments..?” Kamui smirked,

Filden and Zeria both nodded, then both walked out the room like siblings that have both been punished, Zeria first, and Filden after.

“Anyway, now your here Rene, I need to ask, have you seen Faith?” Kamui asked,
“Yeah, she’s on the top balcony...I don’t know why, she said she just needs time to think about something...” Rene answered,
Kamui went silent for about 3 seconds, then eventually said, “...Thank you, I think I know what’s bothering her,”
Rene then said, “...What is it that’s bothering her..?”
“...I cannot tell you, if you find out what it was...we fear you will tell someone who should not know...” Kamui sighed, and then went to leave the room,
But Rene quickly ran in front of the door, “I won’t tell anyone! Not a soul!”
“Not even your best friend..?” Kamui asked...but was he being metaphorical?
“...” Rene had no words...
“I rest my case...Faith is less impulsive than you...she can be trusted with this knowledge, nothing personal Rene,” Kamui sighed as he left the room,

Rene watched Kamui as he left the room...

Not even my best friend...if Faith knows...then that leaves...

“Filden!” A young girl’s voice shouted from the corner of the room that connects the bookcase wall and window wall, “Oh snap! I forgot to tell him!”

Rene turned his head round to see who shouted, he saw an armchair facing the corner, and a girl quickly got up off the armchair,

“Abi!” Rene shouted, slightly shocked.

Abigail Nilem, 17 years of age, dazzling silver eyes that show hope, with long and shiny blue hair reaching down to her rear, slightly tanned, and standing at 5 ft 5. Her attire consists of a white shirt with a dark purple jacket over it a purple scarf with both ends dangling behind her, black knee length shorts, white gloves that reach to her elbow, and white trainers.

“When did you get here..?” Rene asked,
“Well, obviously a while...how else would they be able to go into the training illusion..?” Abigail answered with one eyebrow rising,
“Oh...did you hear any of that?” Rene wondered,
“Any of what...? Once they started I was listening to my MP3...I only heard Kamui because the songs were switching...” Abigail said, slightly embarrassed,
“Lucky you...Kamui would have had a fit,” Rene sighed, quite relieved,
“Why do you ask?” Abigail asked curiously,
“No...no reason...” Rene stuttered, quite panicky,
Abigail then walked towards Rene, “Hmm...?” She leaned towards Rene, checking for sweats of panic, Rene then smiled, feeling edgy, “...mmkay,”
Rene breathed a sigh of relief, “Well, I better mosey on! I promised Ed I’d uh...pick him up a packet of fags!” Rene then ran out of the room,
“...Isn’t that Filden’s job...?” Abigail asked herself quietly.
___________________________________________________________

The Mystic Art of Seals has existed since the birth of the world. Wielders of this Art have been known as ‘Seal Masters.’ It has proven a harsh discipline, involving a mix in certain other disciplines, Alchemy, Necromancy, Clerical, Artistic, Arithmetical, Historian, as well as the ability to memorize seals, it is no wonder so many who have tried this Art have been let down.

Only a few are left in this world who have been able to take on this profession...too few, the Art is going to die down soon, especially with how lazy this world grows. The profession is under appreciated. The Nilem family have still managed to keep up this profession, generation after generation, dating back from the very beginning, to this very day.

It may end with Abigail Nilem, a prodigy...but infertile. The Nilem bloodline may end with her. The death of her brother, Alberto Francesco Nilem, after his attempt at “La Grime Arte Seal” went horribly wrong and sent him into the Shinigami’s claws for the rest of eternity, made it so the Nilem bloodline rested in Abigail’s hands.

Her grandfather, Nero De Claperio Nilem, has been researching a Seal to rescue Alberto from the Shinigami’s claws, but to no avail, The “Resurrection Seal” is not enough, he also needs to put another seal in the centre of the “Resurrection Seal”...“The Seal of Lazene.” He has been researching this for 20 years now...no avail has been made, I too have tried, but I have not long left for this world myself. I must leave this in Nero’s hands...I only wish I could have done more...
~ Denzel Lamarck, 1935 – 2003
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“Manor Galtheme,” one of the biggest mansions in the world...not even a millionaire could afford it; it is fitting for only one person...one of Royal Blood.

“Filden...The Summoner Of The King!” Filden shouted out loud,
“If you don’t shut up, the King is going have to start looking for another...” Zeria growled,
“...I’m done,” Filden said quickly,

Filden and Zeria were walking down the corridors of this Manor. Decorated with red wallpaper with an even lighter red forming patterns along it, chandeliers made with only the finest of pearls, and each chandelier is only 15 ft away from the other, flooring made of the finest wood, shining, but not to the point where it is slippery, doors to their left, and windows the same as the one in the lounge to their right.
“So...how does it feel knowing that today, you will be walking out of this building...a fully fledged summoner...” Zeria asked,
“A bit weird...after 16 years, I’ll finally have something to actually summon, despite the point I’ve actually been capable to do it all this time,” Filden laughed,
“Yeah, but you didn’t actually need it till now,” Zeria sighed,
“Yeah, I guess so...” Filden said quietly,
“Well, we still got an hour; need to do something to kill time...” Zeria sighed,
Filden began thinking... “I don’t know, if I knew we were going to finish training THIS early, I would have brought my DS or something...this is going to be the slowest hour of my life...”
“Just not that fast for me...I ain’t the one who is about to be given a power that has been known to change the world...” Zeria sighed,
“...Thanks for making that time feel longer, Zeria...” Filden moaned,
“Always a pleasure,” Zeria laughed, she then waved goodbye as she ran off down the hall.
Filden then sighed; he then walked to the nearest window and looked up into the sky... “Filden...The Summoner...”
__________________________________________________________

“Manor Galtheme” has a balcony on its top floor, which can be accessed through the Master Bedroom. You get the most breathtaking view of Galtheme, overlooking the entire East District, and a quarter of the North and South District.

A young woman waited on this balcony, staring up at the wonderful, clear, blue sky.

Faith Crest, 17 years old...and a Telepathic wonder. She stands at 5 ft 8, with fair skin, dark eyes and long black hair. She wears a black leather jacket, leather trousers, shoes, and leather gloves.

“A little birdie told me you’d be here,” Kamui said as he entered the balcony,
“...Rene isn’t a bird, he’s a bloke,” Faith said, without even turning to Kamui,
“Heh, English slang, it seems to be taking me a while to get used to it,” Kamui laughed,
“So...what’s up?” Faith turned around, and leaned back on the balcony’s fence.
“Well...Filden is getting his first Spirit soon, I assume he wants nothing better than for his friend to be there,” Kamui said,
“Still got...” Faith then looked up at the sun, “...50 minutes,”
“Heh, intelligent as ever,” Kamui smirked,
“That’s Faith Crest for you,” She giggled, “I’ll be there, and so will Rene...and don’t worry, I’m informing everyone Filden will want to invite,”
“Good to hear, I will see you then,” Kamui then nodded at Faith, and walked through the master bedroom, and through the door.
________________________________________________________

Summoners...truly a mysterious discipline...the only one that challenges the mightiness of the Seal Master...I wish I had the chance to learn this profession, unfortunately, you are born with it. I have studied the summoner for many years, and I will sum up all I have found out in these memoirs, though it is very little, I hope it will show some contribution towards the growth of the world.

From what I gathered, summoners have the ability to call upon special spirits from The Abyss to do their bidding. In order for the summoner to call these spirits, they must form a pact, signing the seal with their blood, so not only their signature binds them, but their blood also.

I knew of only one summoner, Argustav Jilin...we lost him 4 years ago when he was betrayed and killed by one of his own comrades, who turned out to be a spy for “The Incorporation.” His body was taken to the headquarters of “The Incorporation” and bisected, in their gruesome attempt to research summoners. I only wish I could have done more...

One of the most peculiar things about summoners...whenever they summon a spirit...as soon as they call them, a horn slowly comes out of their forehead...acting like some sort of satellite...

This was all I managed to find out about summoners...only this in 60 years worth of research...I only wish the future generation better luck when researching...
~ Denzel Lamarck, 1935 – 2003
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Good start. So Filden's a summoner now? This might get interesting. Yeah, the layout was a bit hard to read ... but I managed it. Update soon!
 
Well, I've managed to get on the computer and sort it out, so now it's in presentable form...It's annoying, if i copied it from word, it will have [font] and the stuff like that, and when i copied it from Notepad, it didn't wanna go into paragraphs, so it looks like I've got my work cut out for me XD
 
Yeah, I always do my work on Word. It's the best and most reliable source for writing.

Now where's the next chapter then? xD
 
Heh heh, you've portrayed Rene perfectly. Seems like it's gonna be a preety damn good story Sonny, keep it up a'ight?
 
Once again, Don't hesitate to point out mistakes, I think I may of made a few anyway.
____________________________________________________________​

Chapter 2 – The name’s “Amoeba!”

Filden and Rene were both sluggishly sitting down on armchairs in “The Lounge,” waiting for the long hour to end, so Filden can finally gain his first spirit.

“Filden, mate, I am so feeling this hour for you,” Rene sighed,
“Well, at least the pain is being shared,” Filden laughed,
“So, what’s the first thing you are going to do with this spirit?” Rene asked,
“Uhh...summon it?” Filden answered, slightly confused, “What’s the time?”
“It’s...” Rene then sluggishly raised his arm in front of him to check the time...then his eyes widened, and his face went from bored to ecstatic, “... 4:58!”
Filden’s face then went like Rene’s, they then both jumped off the chairs, and ran out of the lounge door.

Filden and Rene both ran into a big hall, “La Grande Hall Alla Galtheme”

This his wall shaped as a big circle if looked on from above, decorated in a beautiful gold colour, a great chandelier hanging above it, made from opals, and the floor was made from the finest of wood.

Filden and Rene then went from running to walking. In the room was only a few people, Faith, Zeria, Kamui, Abigail, and Filden’s uncle and guardian, Ed Gurito.

Ed Gurito 34 years old, he has short but slightly spiked blonde hair, green eyes, and 6 ft 4. His attire consisted of a blue jean jacket, blue jeans, goggles on his forehead, and black boots.

Zeria approached Filden and sighed, “Sorry Filden, the King couldn’t make it, said something about a meeting,”
Filden then shrugged, “Oh well, did he give you everything needed?”
“Obviously you just want to get on with this, eh?” Zeria laughed,

Zeria then went to the middle of the hall; she reached in her pocket and got out a scroll, opened it, and laid it out the floor. On the scroll was a Seal.

“Remember, just as we practised guys!” Zeria shouted, “You’re up Abi!”
“I’m ahead of you!” Abigail replied as she ran to the scroll,

Zeria then backed off; Abigail stood 5cms in front of the scroll, and then got on her knees. She rested her hands together, shut her eyes, and then began singing a strange hymn...

“Velum Nam Col Sol Newel...”

Her hands then began glowing bright white; she opened her eyes, as they also glowed white, she then separates her hands and quickly rested both hands flat on the scroll. The Seals then glowed bright white, the glow then increased in size, making it seem like some sort of glyph. The glyph then began to float, and rose itself 3 ft above Abigail. It then moved 10ft towards where Abigail was facing, and turned so that the Glyph was facing Abigail.

“Filden! Step into the Seal! Go fourth into the Abyss!” Abigail shouted,

Filden was a bit shocked at what was going on at first, but he didn’t let that distract him, he nodded and quickly ran towards to Glyph. As he touched the Glyph, it produced a bright light, lighting up the whole room, and as that light dimmed down...Filden was nowhere to be seen.

“So...He’s in the Abyss...?” Faith asked sarcastically,
“There will be an altar on the Abyss...he will not be able to go far...but this altar is but a mere chunk of something much greater...” Abigail replied,
“...Eh, I don’t get it...” Rene was confused,
Zeria crossed her arms, closed her eyes, and sighed, “You’d have to of studied it as me and Abi did...”
“Why did you study it...?” Faith asked,
“I like dark things...” Zeria replied sarcastically,
“So...the Abyss is scary and dark?” Rene asked,
“Pretty much...” Kamui said in the background whilst leaning against the wall,
Ed then finally got involved and sighed, “You kids today!”
“A tad random...” Abigail raised her eyebrow,
“With all your dark themed stuff and you’re meddling!” Ed laughed,
“Ain’t you worried about Filden?” Kamui asked,
“Nah, the kid’s fine! I should know! I raised him!” Ed replied.

______________________________________________________________​

The Abyss...people mistake it as the source of evil...these people are usually strongly religious people. The Abyss is actually the source of power. Whenever you light a fire, it is because of the Abyss, when a tree grows, it is because of the Abyss, when someone casts a spell, the Abyss. The Abyss is the very source of power, it will live on forever, it is beyond everything, even the universe. The Abyss is a completely different space time. Is it its own world? No one knows...but one thing is for certain. The Abyss is a very dangerous place, due to it being the source of power...

The Spirits that the Summoner has learnt to call upon are the denizens of the Abyss, so the summoner must step into the Abyss alone, and there, they shall form the pact with the Spirit...

Filden ran out of the Glyph...where the Glyph led to at least. Filden quickly stopped as he realised he was no longer in the hall. Filden examined his surroundings...

Cold...lonely...dark...these are words that can describe the Abyss. A black whirlpool spinning in the sky...looking like the world will be sucked up any second, the ground was a rough and rocky terrain, trees grey and dead, lightning striking in the distance. 40 feet in front of Filden was an altar...grey and old judging by the cracks, and on this altar was a scroll...

Filden stepped forward, and squinted.

Is that a scroll?

Filden then ran towards the altar, and when he arrived, he quickly looked at the scroll.

“Ok...just as we practised...” Filden sighed to himself...
Filden then slapped his hands together, and began charging his aura into his hands; Filden then separated his hands, and bit his right thumb so it would begin bleeding. He then slapped his bleeding thumb against the scroll, and began writing his signature.

“I Sign This Pact With My Blood! We Are Now One! You Are Now Bound To Me!” Filden shouted as he finished writing his last name.

Filden swung his right hand into the air as a burst of green energy came out of the Altar, Filden kept his hand in the air, and as the energy died down...a deep voice began speaking...

“So! I am now bound to you eh?”
“Make an appearance, Spirit!” Filden shouted...slightly shaking,
“Very well...master...”

A poof of smoke then appear behind the altar...Filden covered his eyes with both hands, and about 3 seconds later, he moved his hands away...to see a tiny little four legged creature...

“The name’s “Amoeba!”
Filden eyes then looked disappointed...”What the crap...?”

Amoeba, quite a weak spirit...but a spirit not to be underestimated! It looks slightly like a dog, but the top of its head going all the way down to it back has spikes, like some sort of hedgehog, glowing a strange cream colour, with big beady opal coloured eyes, sharp teeth, and 5 cm claws, and a tale with what appears to be a pitchfork at the end. His most powerful skill, “The Big Bang,” is not to be taken likely...

Filden then sighed, slapping his hand into his head, “You have got to be kidding me...”
 
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It's a pity you're not gonna be posting more soon but nevermind, I'm liking it so far :D
 
It's very good mate, keep it up I would like to see more soon. D:
 
From what I can gather, this story is based around certain people / characters from the forum itself? A sort of RPG story? In such a case, I won't judge it to the standard that I usually would a normal story. Instead I'll just point out several general writing mistakes and things to think of in future chapters. By the way, this is all based on chapter one, as it's the only one I've read so far. I'll read chapter two when I next get some more time...

The story itself was fine and enjoyable. The 'dysfunctional family unit' vibe was presented really well, though the characters themselves a little too 'anime-ish' (right down to the 'veins on head' description) if you get my meaning, but what I really loved were the inserts by Denzel. They really gave the proceedings a sense of substance and purpose with their explanations - a definite highlight. And with the approach of this character becoming a summoner, it suggests deeper things to come.

But yeah, that's all I can say about the story so far. On the writing side, I've got quite a bit to point out, though I'll try and keep it brief. The first thing that I instantly picked up on was the way in which you describe the characters within the story. It was a very formulaic, 'piece of paper' sort of way. A better way of describing it would be to class it as a 'list'. This, then this, then this, then this, etc... It would be far more enjoyable for the reader if you worked the descriptions further within the story. For example, your previous work:

A ruined city, collapsed buildings, piles after piles of rubble, and the twilight of sunrise. Suddenly, gunshots were heard, a 16 year old teenager speeds through, avoiding them bullets, jumping on the piles of rubble, as he fronts flips, ducks, and dodges bullets coming his way.

Filden Gurito, a 16 year old ninja, and a born summoner. He has brown buzz cut, just over enough to be classed as a skinhead, he is about 5 ft 8 in height, green eyes, quite muscular, a scar under his left eye, and mildly tanned. His attire was a green polo shirt with a brown sleeveless jacket over it, baggy black trousers, red gloves and white trainers.

Could become something more readable and enjoyable like:

A ruined city, collapsed buildings, piles after piles of rubble, and the twilight of sunrise. Suddenly, gunshots were heard, a 16 year old teenager speeds through with ninja swiftness, a brown buzz cut flashing past as he avoided the bullets, jumping on the piles of rubble, as he fronts flips, ducks, and dodges bullets coming his way.

Filden Gurito continued running, a quite muscular though mildly-tanned physique, aiding his flight. Clear green eyes focused on what appeared to be a dead end, but instead of slowing down, he simply continued running, a brown sleeveless jacket flapping back by the force of the wind, revealing an inner green polo shirt underneath. As he came up to the wall, he quickly rested one foot against it, his white trainers taking hold onto the surface, as he then ran up it, charging towards the top of the building.

It really makes a difference. Though still relatively simple, the 'profile list' is hidden and broken up amongst the story text, giving a much better read and experience. Another reason that I brought this up was that, on it's own it's quite blatant, but you then didn't go into any detail on Kamui whatsoever. So yeah, it really stood out.

The second major aspect that I noticed was that you tended to over-use a word quite a few times within the chapter. For example:

Filden continued running until he came to what appeared to be a dead end, but instead of slowing down, he simply continued running, and as he came up to the wall, he quickly rested one foot against it, and ran up it, charging towards the top of the building.

Filden and Zeria both nodded, then both walked out the room like siblings that have both been punished, Zeria first, and Filden after.

Instances such as these just become quite glaring whilst your reading it. In terms of the writing itself, it was simple and plain, very little descriptive depth. Though saying that, of course, it's fine for the type of story that you're doing. Spelling and grammar were fine also - nothing too glaring popped out at me. Oh, one last thing, writing wise to point out:

..as if it was some sort of globe.

Again, this is light-hearted, but something that I wanted to point out. You really should never ever use those lines within a story! Those three words actually say so much. In realilty you're actually telling the reader that you yourself don't know how to describe what you're trying to show them! It's a really bad no-no! Definately one of the cardinal rules of writing that should never be broken.

So yeah, apart from the writing problems (which again, I'm trying not to judge as much with this type of story) the opening chapter was a good attempt. I'll read chapter two when I next get a chance...
 
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I've only read chapter 1, and I have to agree with Unphased (We're even the same age. Funny coincidence). It's anime-ish, you use some words too often, your description is a tad choppy. My difference is, that I did not enjoy the story, because the flow was disjointed.

For starters, you should have placed Denzel Lamarck's remark at the beginning of the story, so that I know what I'm getting into at the start, instead of thinking I'm reading a Naruto Fanfiction.

Second, the beginning scene with the Genjutsu amounts to nothing. You main character is running in a city, meets up with his group, they argue and the illusion ends. All that did was establish that they have Genjutsu in your world. Plus, Filden fails this "Ninja Exam," but then you say that he's going to become a Summoner, which is supposed to be very hard. That is inconsistency. Like someone who fails English, but is also Valedictorian.

Finally, the dialogue is choppy, but every-frickin-body has this problem when they're starting, that I feel cliche' that I have to point it out. If you're at all like me when you started out, you probably think that the audience is smart enough to catch the little clues you sprinkle through out the dialogue. Believe me, they're not. Save yourself the typing and just tell people in the narrative, don't make them figure it out by the dialogue.

The key to dialogue is LESS is MORE. Less instances of talking, and saying what you want to say in the least amount of words, while still maintaining what the character wants to get across. This is hard for everyone. It takes me 20 minutes to write a paragraph, because I'm constantly rewriting and editing what's being said.

You have to constantly keep in mind what is being said, who's saying it, to who, and why. Let's look at one exchange

“I am going to begin explaining the plan, do not miss a single detail, for I shall say this only once...”

Filden and Zeria nodded at their leader, ready to hear the plan.

“I have a plan that will get this mission done fast, and without hassle. The first thing we have to do is...”

Now, read this outloud like this:

1. “I am going to begin explaining the plan, STOP

2. do not miss a single detail, STOP

3. for I shall say this only once...”STOP

4. “I have a plan that will get this mission done fast, STOP

5. and without hassle. STOP

6. The first thing we have to do is...” STOP

Now, you can clearly see why I say it looks choppy, but what redundant instances are there? You can cut out Line #2, because in L3 you establish that you'll only explain it once.

In L4 you repeat that the character has a plan, when you already establish that in L1. Also, when you say that the mission will be completed fast in L4, then it's redundant to say "without hassle" in L5. L6 is perfect.

So, you can streamline this dialogue into this:

“I'm going to explain the plan,and I'll explain it only once...” Kamui began.

Filden and Zeria nodded, ready to hear the what their leader had to say.

“We'll get this mission done fast. The first thing we have to do is...”

Also, don't hesitate to use contractions, especially in a characters speech. Most people don't say "cannot" and "will not" unless they're trying to really emphasize something: "You can not have that baby!" "You will not go in that room!"


You have a good command of the language, there's no grammar or spelling mistakes. Most people would be lucky to have that to start, now you've got to polish the story. Kudos on using Summoner's with horns, no one like to use those.

I don't know if you're going to continue this, but that's my assessment based on Chapter 1.
 
For starters, you should have placed Denzel Lamarck's remark at the beginning of the story, so that I know what I'm getting into at the start, instead of thinking I'm reading a Naruto Fanfiction.

Denzel LeMark has numerous memoirs written out. They have all been placed at suitable times to match what's just happened and what's about to happen in the story. Memoir no. 1 Acted as a small introduction, Memoir no. 2 explained Abigail's abilities, which I'm pretty sure was needed, and Memoir no. 3 Was placed just after Filden's glance into the future to understand why he is so excited.

Second, the beginning scene with the Genjutsu amounts to nothing. You main character is running in a city, meets up with his group, they argue and the illusion ends. All that did was establish that they have Genjutsu in your world. Plus, Filden fails this "Ninja Exam," but then you say that he's going to become a Summoner, which is supposed to be very hard. That is inconsistency. Like someone who fails English, but is also Valedictorian.

Genjutsu? This is not Naruto, and even if it was, it wasn't even a ninja that was 'casting' it. I don't see what you mean by amount to nothing, it is merely an introduction to the story, so whatever else would of been said could of been classed as amount to nothing, it's better than starting of with Filden sitting down bored on a setty. And Ninja Exam? He wasn't doing a ninja exam, he was training, nothing like I'm pretty sure that is obvious. What the hell gave you that hint I'll never know.

Finally, the dialogue is choppy, but every-frickin-body has this problem when they're starting, that I feel cliche' that I have to point it out. If you're at all like me when you started out, you probably think that the audience is smart enough to catch the little clues you sprinkle through out the dialogue. Believe me, they're not. Save yourself the typing and just tell people in the narrative, don't make them figure it out by the dialogue.

The character's who said the sentence were mentioned afterwards, to putting, using the speech marks is better than saying something like, 'He said yeah.' What you said there was your choice of style, not a rule.

As for what you said about how I put the sentence. It is the character's choice of words, how he speaks, and there are different styles of speaking, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't like me to put words into the characters in your story's mouths.

Some people have different choice of words, in my honest opinion, you criticism makes it sound like your trying to make people write in a style similar to your choice by the looks of things.
 
I'm in a bit of a hurry, so I'll respond witha short question.

Do you actuallly want comments, or do you want people to just say "I love this chapter, keep writing"?


I'm not trying to be mean. I'm not trying to say "You suck. This sucks. You should quit writing." My main comment is that your story flow is disjointed. And it can be fixed with some editing. All proffessional writers have editors, why is it so weird that you might need an editor, too?
 
What I'm trying to put through is, of course I will need someone to point out mistakes, but the points you seem to be pointing out seem to lack logic, and the first paragraph to me seems like you were not reading properly. Of course I want you to be brutal, but I valid points.

In my honest opinion, Unphased had better points.
 
I didn't want to repeat what unphased had said. He did cover the most important points.


I'll explain myself better later. But, I've got to go. I won't be online until tonight or tomorrow.
 
Okay. Let's handle this one comment at a time, so that neither one of us is overwhelmed.

Denzel LeMark has numerous memoirs written out. They have all been placed at suitable times to match what's just happened and what's about to happen in the story. Memoir no. 1 Acted as a small introduction...

Upon reviewing what I have said, I was not clear enough.

What I meant to say is that your "Introduction Memoir" is weak. It's not an introduction at all. It's more of a tease, which is the type of thing that gets printed on the back of the book, where people are going to judge weather they give you the time of day or not.

Color me pretentious, but I consider a prophecy a really cheap plot device. Because using a prophecy suggests that what happens is because Fate preordained it, and none of it is the fault of the characters. The stars and planets don't have to align to create an engaging storyline. Look at Romeo and Juliet, they killed themselves in the end because of the consequences of their (and their family's) actions.


I'm suggesting you should rewrite your introduction, because it is uninteresting. Spend more than one paragraph getting the reader warmed up about your world, because the next thing you do is drop the audience into a strange place. And that's a different topic, but do you understand me now?
 
Now we're talking. I'm gonna review it, and get more feedback off other's, (majority and whatnot)
 
Alright, let's continue.

Genjutsu? This is not Naruto, and even if it was, it wasn't even a ninja that was 'casting' it. I don't see what you mean by amount to nothing, it is merely an introduction to the story, so whatever else would of been said could of been classed as amount to nothing, it's better than starting of with Filden sitting down bored on a setty. And Ninja Exam? He wasn't doing a ninja exam, he was training, nothing like I'm pretty sure that is obvious. What the hell gave you that hint I'll never know.


Now, what's the best way to put this...
PART 1

It was an "Illusion Spell" and Genjutsu means "Illusion Technique."

Naruto is a 15 year old Ninja with a demon inside him. Filden is "a 16 year old ninja, and a born summoner" who will make a pact with a spirit.

Naruto meets his squad of 3 other ninja. Filden meets his squad of
2 other "Summoners" or whatever.

It's like Green Apples and Red Apples. Technically different, but fundamentally the same. Okay, maybe that's over simplifying. A better idea is Ninja Turtles and Extreme Dinosaurs. It's not incorrect that we could describe your story with the phrase, "Like Naruto, but..."

In this case, "Like Naruto, but with Summoners."

It's called being Contemporary. Things that are contemporary and show remarkable similarities will be inevitably compared to one another. For instance, any macho action movie right now will automatically be compared to 300, be that 30, 000 BC, Beowulf or Nomad. Doesn't matter if they were created independent from one another, they are all automatically compared.

For another example, Naruto himself was originally going to star in a manga about Demons and Wizards, but Kishimoto didn't want to be compared to Harry Potter, so he scrapped the idea and reused the character later. Mahou Sensei Negima is often described as "Harry Potter meets Love Hina."

The instant you chose to make your main character a Ninja, you automatically put yourself in a category to be compared with Naruto.

PART 2

I'll ask you again, what did you really do in that opening Illusion?

First, you did a description of the landscape (that wasn't there all along), and dodge some bullets.
Second, you describe what Filden looks like.
Third, the main character runs up a wall.
Then, you describe Zeria. And then Kamui.
Finally, you begin to explain the plan, but never finish.
The boy and girl start to argue, and the illusion ends.

How much of that could you have done if they had just been "sitting down bored on a setty. " Hint: It's the stuff I wrote in blue. Heck, he could even run up a wall in the house.

Besides that you didn't do much in your introduction, it amounts to nothing because it turns out to be an illusion all along.


Think of it this way. Ever meet a girl you like (or Boy, whatever), and you talk to her/him for 20 minutes. And you think things are going great. You're already planning stuff in your head. Until he/she finally utters those words, "My boyfriend thinks that, too."

The potential for a date was an illusion, and you just wasted your time. And when you made the opening scene an illusion, you were wasting the readers time.

If you're wasting the reader's time, you must not respect them. And if you don't respect the audience, they're going to walk out on you. You need a lot of Rep to pull off "it was all a dream," intros and endings.

I get what you were trying to do. You were trying to start off wit some action, but you quit before you got to the action. If you really wanted to entice the readers, you should have followed the mission through. Making it all an illusion is a slap to the face. When I read it, I wanted to quit reading, and there are other readers that must have felt the same.
 
I understand where your coming from mate, but, what your saying is a point of view, it's like saying, "I don't like comedy." I understand there will be people that don't like the story merely because the story isn't what they like, it's like people not liking FF7 because they might not like what happens or it's setting, genre, etc.

My point of view, I do not consider things like that a slap in the face, like the start of X-Men 3, I didn't feel like I was slapped in the face when it turned out they were in a training simulator, I just got a quick insight into some of the character's skills. So...what you gotta consider is that some people may like a choice of action, some may not mind, some may not care, and some, (In your case) do not like it.

(As for the Genjutsu comment, fair dos, but we're speaking English here, not trying to be Japanesse)
 
Aside from the whole feedback, do you have any idea when the next chapter's gonna be up?
 
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